The Joke Thread

#151
#151
A wee bit of Irish humor. Enjoy.....

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either.."
- - - - -
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the
other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.Gallagher declares, "Your
husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

 
#152
#152
UTN '74 said:
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the
other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.Gallagher declares, "Your
husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
Click to expand...
:eek:lol:
 
#156
#156
CountVolcula said:
A guy walks in a bar and hes a little depressed. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices and asks:

"Would you like to see something amazing?"

The guy replies "sure, why not"

The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out this tiny grand piano and then he places this tiny man at the piano. He begins to play.

The guy asks "Where did you get this amazing little man?"

The bartender replies "I rubbed on this magic lamp and made a wish"

The guy asks the bartender if he could rub the lamp and he agreed.

The guy rubs on the lamp, makes his wish, and all of a sudden the roof comes off the bar and a million ducks fly in.

The guy is pissed. "This lamp doesnt work. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks"

The bartender replies " Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Click to expand...

Millionth time I've heard this & it's still awesome!
 
#157
#157
Behr1213 said:
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these #itches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Click to expand...

1st time I've ever heard this & I will be repeating it to EVERYONE!!!!!
 
#160
#160
A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
 
#163
#163
How much did it cost for the pirate to get an earing?
















A buccaneer
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#164
#164
A Blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they Don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been Buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the Pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist Who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"
 
#165
#165
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
#166
#166
Some people can piss their name in the snow, EB can piss his name in concrete (but it strangely enough is in Knowshon Moreno's handwriting?)
 
#168
#168
GASOUTHERNVOL said:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Click to expand...
lol
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#169
#169
superdave1984 said:
The Dr is in.
Bottom line is, sex is for both partners. If she doesn't want it, you aren't doing your job. If she's stressed, do more around the house. If she's just not interested, find out why. Is it lack of desire? Lack of energy? Lack of time? It's about pleasing your partner as much or more than you want to be pleased. Biology dictates that men and women have very different views of sex and pleasure. Women and men both need to take the time to learn what their partner wants and needs. It isn't just about her pleasing him or the other way around. It's mutual or it is nonexistent. Sex is less physical than it is about the connection between the partners. Make jokes if you like, but a satisfying sex life is very important to a marriage. Not just the amount of sex you have, but the quality of it and how it makes you both feel. As for not getting any and cheating, that's crap too. Cheating is almost never about just sex. It's about deeper issues and how they are left to fester. You made a commitment to each other. Honor it. Men, find out how to please your woman. Seriously. Women, do the same. Search for the real intimacy that you share and make your sex life better than it has ever been before.
Click to expand...

.
 
#171
#171
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms—Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies. "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold, of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver?"

"Why silver?" asks the man. "Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change
 
#172
#172
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."
 
#173
#173
Son kills butterfly, Dad says no butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills honeybee, Dad says no honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills cockroach, Son says, Dad do you want to tell her or should I....
 
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