The Joke Thread

#201
#201
Subject: Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shat inside!"
 
#203
#203
one day two dudes were at a red light when they all of a sudden get beaten up and carjacked by a turtle. they call the police and the police get to the scene. cop asks what happened, and the guy driving says, "a turtle carjacked me and my buddy." cop says, "well did you get a good look at the guy?" driver says, "not really. it all happened so fast."
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#204
#204
One day this guy was driving when he sees a sign on the road that says, "apples, 5 dollars." He thinks to himself damn that's expensive, I better check what all the fuss is about. He takes a left and arrives at the orchard where these 5 dollar apples are growing.

He finds the guy running the show and says, "so what's the deal with these 5 dollar apples. seem kind of expensive." the orchard dude says, "well they're special apples. try this one. it's a peanut butter and jelly apple." so the guy bites into it and says, "well that's impressive. i taste the peanut butter, but not the jelly." the orchard guy says, "well you gotta turn it around." so the guy does and says, "wow, that's delicious. pb&j apple. who woulda thought!" so he shells out 60 bucks for a dozen.

the guy tries to leave but is halted by the orchard dude. he says, "wait. you gotta try this ham and cheese apple." so the guy bites into it and says "i'll be damned, this tastes like ham!" then he turns it around and sure enough, "wow! This tastes like cheese!" so he buys another dozen, and tries to get on his way.

the orchard guy says, "i know you're in a hurry, but you have to try my super special apple. it's 50 dollars an apple." the guy says, "well, i'll try it, but why's it so expensive?" orchard guy says, "well, it's what i like to call a p**** apple." the guy is shocked by the prospect of an apple based on the female anatomy but says what the hell, and takes a bite. as soon as he bites into it, he shouts, "my god man, this tastes like s***!" the orchard guy says, "i know. turn it around."
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#205
#205
RhodeIslandVol said:
One day this guy was driving when he sees a sign on the road that says, "apples, 5 dollars." He thinks to himself damn that's expensive, I better check what all the fuss is about. He takes a left and arrives at the orchard where these 5 dollar apples are growing.

He finds the guy running the show and says, "so what's the deal with these 5 dollar apples. seem kind of expensive." the orchard dude says, "well they're special apples. try this one. it's a peanut butter and jelly apple." so the guy bites into it and says, "well that's impressive. i taste the peanut butter, but not the jelly." the orchard guy says, "well you gotta turn it around." so the guy does and says, "wow, that's delicious. pb&j apple. who woulda thought!" so he shells out 60 bucks for a dozen.

the guy tries to leave but is halted by the orchard dude. he says, "wait. you gotta try this ham and cheese apple." so the guy bites into it and says "i'll be damned, this tastes like ham!" then he turns it around and sure enough, "wow! This tastes like cheese!" so he buys another dozen, and tries to get on his way.

the orchard guy says, "i know you're in a hurry, but you have to try my super special apple. it's 50 dollars an apple." the guy says, "well, i'll try it, but why's it so expensive?" orchard guy says, "well, it's what i like to call a p**** apple." the guy is shocked by the prospect of an apple based on the female anatomy but says what the hell, and takes a bite. as soon as he bites into it, he shouts, "my god man, this tastes like s***!" the orchard guy says, "i know. turn it around."
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Click to expand...
lol
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#206
#206
That reminds me....
A guy was getting married and as a virgin he was nervous about his wedding night. He had a friend who was a man about town that agreed to help him out with advice on the wedding night. He booked a room right next to the couples where the bathrooms were back to back. If the new husband had any questions he could go in the bathroom and they could talk through the wall. On the wedding night the husband was really nervous and told the wife he had to go to the bathroom and would be right back. Well after about 30 minutes the wife had to go to the bathroom and knocked on the door and he said he would be right out. The wife couldn't wait so she took a dump in a hat box. The husband finally thought he was ready and walked into the darkened room, stepped into the hat box and yelled "there's sh*t in here". The friend from the other room yelled "turn her over"!!!!
 
#213
#213
Proud to be from Tennessee...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, a New York scientist found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their yankee ancestors must have already had a telephone network in place more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologist, having discovered a 200 year old copper wire, concludes that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network in place a hundred years before the New Yorkers".

One week later, a local newspaper in TN reported the following: "After digging to a depth of 30 feet in his pasture near Seymour, TN... Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba therefore concluded that 300 years ago, 200 years before the New Yorkers and 100 years before the Californians, TN had already gone wireless.
 
#214
#214
A man, gone from church for years, has a near death experience and quickly finds religion. He enters the catholic church he attended as a boy, finds the confessional, pulls back the curtain and has a seat. Surprisingly the walls are decorated with pictures of naked men, the floor is littered with gay pornography, and there's a bottle of lotion and a fleshlight on the bench beside him. He thinks to himself, "man, this last guy had some serious confessions to make. Mine aren't really that bad."
Then the curtain gets yanked open, the priest is standing there, and he yells, "get the f*** outta there! That's my side!"
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#215
#215
Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
 
#217
#217
hohenfelsvol said:
Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Click to expand...

That is so FN funny!
 
#218
#218
heartvols said:
Made me giggle...


Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Click to expand...

deja vu
 
#219
#219
Bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, "I'll have a Miller............Light."

Bartender comes back with the beer and says, "So buddy, what's with the pause?"

Bear holds up his front arms/legs, "I'm a bear..." :dunno:
 
#220
#220
Got a few...

So, a baby seal walks into a club... ba-DA-ching!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot, you knob!

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.

Dead baby jokes...everyone's got at least one.

How many babies does it take to paint a garage?
...depends on how hard you throw them.

Three nuns walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

Two toms and a cymbal fall off a cliff. ... ba-DA-ching!
 
#221
#221
Urban the savior that is hillarious. You should go on tour, you and lawgator would be a big hit in san francisco
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#223
#223
Urban the Savior said:
"6. Only go for it on forth down/2 pt. conversion in realistic situations."

Spelling Note:

forth or fourth? Do not confuse the spelling of forth and fourth, which sound similar. Forth is an adverb meaning "forward," "onward," or "out," as in go forth, from that day forth, bring forth. Fourth is a noun, adjective, and adverb referring to one of four parts or a position corresponding to the number four, as in cut the pie into fourths, the fourth month of the year, come fourth in the race. (Or fourth down)
Click to expand...

I prefer to use this example: How long until Urban goes forth to another school.
 
#225
#225
A reporter asks monte kiffin boxers or briefs, he looks at him and says depends...
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