The Joke Thread

#101
#101
Here's a good joke to tell in a crowd....

There was a terrible incident yesterday in (your city) Tampa. It was all over the news.... A drunk guy drove to the store with his newborn in the back seat. He left the infant in the car while he bought a couple cases of beer and, without thinking, threw it over the seat squarely on the baby.

Someone will always ask, "Did it hurt the baby"....

With your straightest face say, "No, the baby's OK, it was light beer".
 
#102
#102
There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.

They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.

So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.

The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

So they go out the back door and they see this barn.

They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.

Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.

They go into the barn and look everywhere.

One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".

So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"
 
#104
#104
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions.”
The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the largest p3nis… “
 
#105
#105
SWTNVOLFAN said:
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions.”
The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the largest p3nis… “
Click to expand...
:eek:hmy: :eek:lol:
 
#106
#106
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
 
#107
#107
An Arkansas trooper pulled over a pickup truck.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
 
#108
#108
A young man from Georgia came running in the restaurant and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
 
#109
#109
Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon a set of tracks

The first blonde says "Those are deer tracks"

The second blonde says " No, those are moose tracks"

They continued to argue until both of them got hit by a train
 
#110
#110
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That has got to be the ugliest baby that I have ever seen!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, absolutely fuming mad. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me and it really ticks me off!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off....go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
#111
#111
President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York .

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native ...American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.

”At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.
 
#112
#112
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob...'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell...

"BOB, wake up. You crapped the bed !"
 
#113
#113
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
 
#116
#116
CountVolcula said:
Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon a set of tracks

The first blonde says "Those are deer tracks"

The second blonde says " No, those are moose tracks"

They continued to argue until both of them got hit by a train
Click to expand...

That's the funniest/stupidest joke I've ever heard. I plan to use it soon.
 
#117
#117
So Boudreaux and Tibadeaux die and go to hell.

Satan wants to teach em a lesson so he cranks the heater up all the way. He comes back to check on em in a bit and they're both laughing, visiting, having a good time.

Satan's like wtf? I got it turned up all the way in here, what are yall laughing about?

Boudreaux tells him, "Were from South Lousiana and we're used to hot. This aint nothin."

So Satan puts em in a metal room. All boxed in. Cranks up some extra heaters, stokes the fire and lets em sit. He's thinking he's got em now. Check on em again in a bit and they're still laughing and what not. Having a great time.

Satan again asks, what the deal is, you two should be sweating and crying for mercy.

Boudreax reminds Satan again that they're from South Lousiana and this aint nothing compared to that.

So Satan does away with all the heat, cranks up the AC. Has some ice brought in and makes it as cold as he can. Its freezing all over, ice cicles, the works.

Satan gives em a bit of time, then walks into to check on em. He sees they're both laughing and dancing around having a big time. Both of em, just as happy as they can be.

Satan asks, "Allright now dangit, what gives? Ive had it hot, and now I have freezing, whats got yall this happy?"

Boudreax and Tibadeax shout at Satan, "The Saints musta WON the Superbowl!"
 
#118
#118
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table, the ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

That's when Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma Cherie, I believe ze English pronounce for zat word, is 'appiness!"
 
#119
#119
A woman is running late for work one morning she is speeding down the road when she tops a hill and notices a state trooper running radar at the bottom of the hill. with no time to react she zoomed by the trooper. Instantly the trooper truns on his blue lights and pulls the lady over. As the trooper approaches the car the lady starts to panic.
Trooper: Whats your hurry this morning?
Lady: Oh officer, there is an emergency at the hospital and they need my assistance immediatly.
Trooper: What do you do?
Lady: Well sir, im acctually a rectum strecher.
Trooper: A what? What do you mean a rectum strecher?
Lady: I work at the hospital as a rectum strecher. It my job to strech peoples rectums.
Trooper: How do you do that?
Lady: Well I start with one finger, then work my way up to two, then three, then eventually my whole hand. I just keep working at it then i can get both hands in, and i just keep at it untill its 6 feet across.
Trooper: What in the world do you do with a 6 foot ---hole?
Lady: We sit them at the bottom of hills with radar guns.
 
#120
#120
An bammer decides he wants to go back to school and get him a education. So he goes to the school and take the placement test. After the a professor comes out to review the results with the man.
Prof: Well bubba, from what your test relsults show it looks like you need to work on your math, reading and your logic.
Bubba: Well I know what math and reading is but i aint never heard of logic. What is that?
Prof: Its quite simple. Ill explain it to you. Do you own a weedeater?
Bubba: Yep. Got 1 that runs and 3 that dont.
Prof: Then logic tells me if you own a weedeater, then you must have a house or a home of some kind.
Bubba: Yep sure do. I got a top of the line moble home
Prof: Then logic tells me if you own a weedeater and a home, then you are most likely married.
Bubba: Yep I sure am.
Prof: Then logic tells me if you own a weedeater, a home and are married, then you probably have children.
Bubba: Yep got 4 of them little suckers.
Prof: Then logic tells me if you own a weedeater, a home, your married, and have children, then you are a heterosexual.
Bubba: Well golly bum and you got all that from just a weedeater.

Bubba goes home and calls his friend Clem
Clem: What did they tell ya up at the school
Bubba: They told me I need to work on my math, my reading and my logic.
Clem: What's logic??
Bubba: Its easy ill explain it to you. Do you own a weedeater?
Clem: Nope.
Bubba: Then your gay.
 
#122
#122
volmanbill said:
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob...'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell...

"BOB, wake up. You crapped the bed !"
Click to expand...
Gross!!! but I still :eek:lol:
 
#123
#123
finally got around to going fishing this morning, but after a while I ran out of worms.
[FONT=VERDANA,Arial,Lucida Sans]Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. [/FONT]
[FONT=VERDANA,Arial,Lucida Sans]Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind [/FONT]
the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma... how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle
of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp,
I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot... and there was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth​
 
New posts
You must log in or register to reply here.

VN Store



Back
Top