The Joke Thread

#126
#126
Power of the Badge:superman:

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not :nono: go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, :furious3: "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher and says, "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers given. HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR? :realmad: DO YOU understand?"

The rancher nods politely:mf_surrender:, apologizes, and goes about his chores.:whistling:

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. :eek:
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . .. . .
"Your Badge... Show him your Badge!"
 
#127
#127
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"



Tiger: "You're a day late."
 
#128
#128
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ..'
 
#129
#129
SWTNVOLFAN said:
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions.”
The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the largest p3nis… “
Click to expand...

My fave so far.
 
#131
#131
Beware of Underwear Dust (I received this in an email. Thought it was hysterical) :p

One evening a husband, thinking he was

being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps
we should start washing your clothes in
"Slim Fast". Maybe it would take a few
inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided
that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair
of underwear out of his drawer. '

What the heck is this?' he said to himself
as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he
shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom,

"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum
powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
 
#132
#132
Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
 
#133
#133
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet..

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
 
#134
#134
Made me giggle...


Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
 
#135
#135
What's the difference between your d!ck and your paycheck?




You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
 
#136
#136
an indian, al queda member and a cowboy are sitting in an airport. The indian says, once my people were very many, now we are few. The Al Queda guy stands up and boasts that once his people were very few, now they are many, praise allah.

The cowboy tips his hat back and feels his revolver and simply says "we havent played cowboys and towelheads yet"
 
#137
#137
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials...

Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.............. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............ On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.."

"So here I am."

I believe the man involved was a VN member, not to mention any name but it starts with OE.
 
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#139
#139
heartvols said:
Made me giggle...


Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Click to expand...

That's a good one.
 
#140
#140
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'​

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother, your sister, and your brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'​

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!'​

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl
replied, 'OH MY GOODNESS! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat! Are you nuts?'​

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'​

The boy pondered the answers for a while and then went back to his dad.. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'​

The boy replied, 'Yes. 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'​
 
#141
#141
3 Rocky Top Cove said:
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'​

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother, your sister, and your brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'​

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!'​

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl
replied, 'OH MY GOODNESS! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat! Are you nuts?'​

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'​

The boy pondered the answers for a while and then went back to his dad.. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'​

The boy replied, 'Yes. 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'​
Click to expand...
Hilarious.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#142
#142
Two drunks are staggering down the road. They look over and there is a male dog doubled over licking its balls. The one drunk pokes his buddy and says... "Damn wouldn't you like to do that?" The other man looks at him and says, "Hell yeah I would. But I'd be afraid I'd get bit."
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#143
#143
Lofton4Three said:
Two drunks are staggering down the road. They look over and there is a male dog doubled over licking its balls. The one drunk pokes his buddy and says... "Damn wouldn't you like to do that?" The other man looks at him and says, "Hell yeah I would. But I'd be afraid I'd get bit."
Posted via VolNation Mobile
Click to expand...

hahahahahahahaha +09878567878563657545498629836289758923423523133124151245611111166663343346
dog
 
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#144
#144
GASOUTHERNVOL said:
hahahahahahahaha +09878567878563657545498629836289758923423523133124151245611111166663343346
Click to expand...

That response reminds me of Randy Jackson.:eek:lol:

Q: What's the difference between anal and oral?
A: Oral will make your day, but anal will make your whole week!
 
#149
#149
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
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