The Joke Thread

#26
#26
"my wife walked in and scared me half do death, i told her this, so looks at me and says, let me walk in again,,,, i get no respect"
The Late Great Rodney Dangerfield
 
#27
#27
"my wife walked in and scared me half do death, i told her this, so looks at me and says, let me walk in again,,,, i get no respect"
The Late Great Rodney Dangerfield
 
#28
#28
A guy walks in a bar and hes a little depressed. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices and asks:

"Would you like to see something amazing?"

The guy replies "sure, why not"

The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out this tiny grand piano and then he places this tiny man at the piano. He begins to play.

The guy asks "Where did you get this amazing little man?"

The bartender replies "I rubbed on this magic lamp and made a wish"

The guy asks the bartender if he could rub the lamp and he agreed.

The guy rubs on the lamp, makes his wish, and all of a sudden the roof comes off the bar and a million ducks fly in.

The guy is pissed. "This lamp doesnt work. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks"

The bartender replies " Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
 
#29
#29
CountVolcula said:
A guy walks in a bar and hes a little depressed. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices and asks:

"Would you like to see something amazing?"

The guy replies "sure, why not"

The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out this tiny grand piano and then he places this tiny man at the piano. He begins to play.

The guy asks "Where did you get this amazing little man?"

The bartender replies "I rubbed on this magic lamp and made a wish"

The guy asks the bartender if he could rub the lamp and he agreed.

The guy rubs on the lamp, makes his wish, and all of a sudden the roof comes off the bar and a million ducks fly in.

The guy is pissed. "This lamp doesnt work. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks"

The bartender replies " Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Click to expand...

:eek:lol:
 
#30
#30
utvol0427 said:
I can't take credit for this gem:

Well, its been three years or so and 11,000 posts. I'm going to go ahead and call it a day here.I've enjoyed it and even met a couple of you in person, all nice folks. I've learned a lot about UT tradition and gotten some good insights from Vols fans on football and other sports. Enjoyed the banter back and forth and discussion of things unrelated to athletics or even to our respective universities.I've not been to UT. Been to Vandy and even to MTSU, but never to Knoxville. If I get the chance when up that way, I think I'll take a look around.The Volnation is a great venue and the folks that run it should be proud. Thanks for letting me a part of it for so long
Click to expand...
:eek:lol::eek:lol::eek:lol:
 
#31
#31
Two old women are sitting on a park bench when a man runs up, pulls open his coat, and flashes them. The first woman has a stroke, the other woman couldn't quite reach.
 
#32
#32
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these #itches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
 
#33
#33
I was sitting on the front porch one day with my wife of 20 years. I decided to ask her questions about what she would do if I died before her.

Me: If I were to die before you, would you let your next lover drive my car?

Her: I don't know.

Me: Would you let him sleep in the same bed we've slept together in for the last 20 years?

Her: I don't know.

Me: Would you let him play with my golf clubs?

Her: NO, He's left handed!
 
#34
#34
Brewster the Rooster

This farmer had this rooster, his name was Brewster. Brewster was a good rooster, except for one thing, he would screw everything that walked.

If Brewster wasnt in the hen house with the hens, he was in the barn with the cows, or the stable with the mares.

After seeing enough, the farmer sits down with Brewster and says " Boy, if you dont stop this, you're going to screw yourself to death".

Well time goes by and Brewster is still up to his old ways. One day the farmer goes outside and notices buzzards are circling over the pasture. He walks out, into the pasture, and finds poor Brewster laying motionless on the ground.

"Brewster, I told you you were going to do this to yourself, you old rooster you". The farmer shaking his head slightly

Brewster opens his eyes and says "SHHHH!! They're about to land"
 
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#37
#37
Two kids are in the hospital about to be operated on.

The first kid asks the other, "What are you in for?"

2nd replies, Im here to get my tonsils out, and Im a little nervous."

1st kid tells him, "Its no sweat, they make you pass out, and when you wake up they feed you jello and ice cream. Its easy."

2nd kid says, "Cool, what are you in for?"

1st kids replies, "Im here for a circumcision."

2nd kid replies, "Man that sucks, I had that done when I was born and I couldnt walk for a year!"
 
#39
#39
Mr. Hopkins, a relatively healthy man going on 87, went in to visit Dr. Henley for his routine physical. After the examination Dr. Henley complimented Mr. Hopkins for the good shape he was in, as he knew Mr. Hopkins took a lot of pride in staying fit.

On the way out the door Mr. Hopkins, feeling rather spry, turned to the Dr. and asked... "Can we also do a test on my boys?" Dr. Henley, being a little confused, responded... "I saw both your sons just a few months ago and they're doing just fine." Mr. Hopkins replied, "Not my sons... my boys! I want to know if they can still swim upstream!" "Oh", the Dr. responded... "you mean you'd like to get a sperm count".

Hesitantly, Dr. Henley gave Mr. Hopkins an empty glass and asked him to take it home, provide a sample, and then bring it back tomorrow. However, he wasn't really expecting that he'd need to do a test.

Sure enough... the next day Mr. Hopkins comes in for his visit and Dr. Henley can see that the jar is empty. "Is everything okay?"... the Dr. asks.

"Well", Mr. Hopkins replies... "First I tried with my right hand, but it eventually got tired." "Then I tried with my left hand, but it got tired as well." "Then I went and got my wife and she tried with her right hand, but that didn't work." "Then she had a good idea and thought some lubrication might help, but it just got a little messy so she had to use both hands... but still no luck." "Finally she decided to try with her mouth, but after a while her teeth were bothering her." "So then she took her teeth out thinking that might help, but still no luck."

"I tell ya doc... we tried everything we could think of but we just couldn't get the lid off that jar."
 
#40
#40
An oldie but goodie:

A young game warden is on his first week working for the Louisiana Department of Wildlife & Fisheries. During the week while he patrols a certain local boat ramp, he notices that every afternoon ol' Mr. Thibodeaux always seems to come in with a nice limit of fish. Finally he decides to strike up a conversation with Mr. Thibodeaux.

"Afternoon, Mr. Thibodeaux! I've noticed that you seem to know all of the hot fishing spots. I sure would appreciate it if you would share one or two of your fishin' spots with me. I'm fairly new around here and haven't had much luck on my own."

Not being overly fond of game wardens, Mr. Thibodeaux ignores him.

But the young warden persist: "Mr. Thibodeaux, I promise I won't share any tips you give me with anyone for the rest of my life, on my honor!"

Finally, Mr. Thibodeaux relents: "C'est bon! Be here at 4:30 ina mawnin' and I'll put you on some fish, I guarontee."

The next morning the game warden meets Mr. Thibodeaux and they set out in his small fishing boat. After a few minutes, they pull into a small secluded, swampy cove and Mr. Thibodeaux stops the boat. The game warden begins to bait his hook with a nightcrawler. Meanwhile, Mr. Thibedeaux pulls out a small plastic case, opens it, pulls out a stick of dynamite, sticks a fuse into it, lights it and throws it overboard.

Boom!!! :fireworks:

Fish begin to float up to the surface, stunned by the blast and Mr. Thibodeaux paddles the boat around, plucking the fish off the water and putting them on his stringer.

The young game warden flips out. "Mr. Thibodeaux, that is illegal! Do you realize that I could have you arrested for what you just did."

While the game warden is carrying on in this manner, Mr. Thibodeaux reaches into the case, pulls out another stick of dynamite, sticks a fuse into it, lights it and shoves it into the young warden's hand.

"You gonna sit there and jaw boy, or you gonna fish?"
 
#42
#42
Why does the French Navy use glass bottom boats?






To keep an eye on the French Airforce.
 
#43
#43
A middle aged man was sitting on a park bench minding his own business when a teenaged male approaches and sits on the other end of the bench. The teenager is sporting a rainbow colored, spiked mohawk hairdo. The youngster turns to see the older man looking at him with a look of horror on his face and said "what's the matter old man, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were young?" The man replied "Yeah, when I was a young man I screwed a peacock and I think you might be my son".
 
#44
#44
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
 
#45
#45
for my bud hman (coooool jersey)

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
 
#46
#46
pattiycake said:
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
Click to expand...

:lolabove::lolabove::lolabove:
 
#47
#47
pattiycake said:
for my bud hman (coooool jersey)

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Click to expand...

:lolabove::lolabove::lolabove:
 
#48
#48
What do East Indian women and hockey players have in common?











Give up?











Both change their pads after three peroids!
 
#50
#50
I only know one clean joke....

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.


Hey...I work with kids...what did ya expect?
 
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