Heard Any Good Jokes?

#77
#77
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stickin out of his pants

the bartender says "hey pirate you know you have a steerin wheel in your pants?"

the pirate replies " Aye Matey Its drivin me nuts"
 
#78
#78
Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad puttin on a condom

Johnny asks " what ya doin dad?"

stumblin for an answer his dad replies " well uhhh son ..... im ..... hunting a mouse."

Johnny looks at his dad and says " What you gonna do? screw it?"
 
#79
#79
Two Polish hunters from Gaylord, Michigan got a pilot to fly them to
Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck one Polish guy asked the other, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah sure, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 
#80
#80
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and
the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, **** on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
 
#81
#81
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm
starting to believe all! those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to
collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
 
#83
#83
The Politically Correct way to speak about women:


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
> "BREASTED AMERICAN."
>
> 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is
> "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
>
> 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY
> ACCESSIBLE."
>
> 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
> "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
> SUPERHIGHWAY."
>
> 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"previously
> enjoyed COMPANION."
>
> 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY
> IMPAIRED."
>
> 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets
> "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
>
> 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is
> "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
>
> 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
> REPETITIVE."
>
> 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY
> EXTROVERTED."
>
> 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She
> is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
>
 
#84
#84
How many bamma fans does it take to change a light bulb?

all of them , 1 to screw it in and the rest to stand around blaming Fulmer for the old one going bad
 
#85
#85
How many Bama fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2. One to screw it in and another to claim a national championship for it.
 
#86
#86
Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco?


To Tuscaloosa...he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!
 
#87
#87
Originally posted by Orangewhiteblood@Apr 4, 2005 5:22 PM
Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco?


To Tuscaloosa...he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!
Click to expand...

:lolup:

should have said knoxville, I would have busted my butt laughing.
 
#88
#88
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting thourgh a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which one of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference roon table the interviewer asked, "WHat is the fastest thing you know off?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way. It's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche' for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing i can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light."

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT?!" said the interviewer stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain," said Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran to the bathroom. But before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t in my pants."
 
#89
#89

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.

Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.
 
#90
#90



"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!
 
#91
#91
How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand is on the little one. :haha_oh:
 
#92
#92
Originally posted by volinbham@Apr 1, 2005 6:12 PM
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
saysDave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks
Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming
increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink
Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I

always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before
she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming
at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real b@tch this time."
Click to expand...

:haha_oh:
 
#95
#95
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was
there he received a
letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she
explained that she had slept with two guys while he
had been gone and she
wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted
pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would
do. He went around to
his buddies and collected all the unwanted
photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with
clothes and without) to his

girlfriend with the following note: "I don't
remember which one you are. Please remove your picture
and send the rest
back."

NOW THERE IS A REAL MARINE.
 
#98
#98
Lady In Orange is a huge joke. Does she not have a job? She can't have that many posts and have a real life. Watch the Alabama games. VOLS SUCK!!!
 
#99
#99
Originally posted by Truebammerfan@Apr 13, 2005 11:44 AM
Lady In Orange is a huge joke. Does she not have a job? She can't have that many posts and have a real life. Watch the Alabama games. VOLS SUCK!!!
Click to expand...

From what I know about her from reading her posts...She seems like a very good person! :bow:
 
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