Heard Any Good Jokes?

#51
#51
Did you hear about the constapated mathematician...He worked it out with a pencil.

:flush:
 
#52
#52
A little boy sees a bicycle that he likes in the window of a store. He tells his mom, "Mom, can I get that bicycle?" His mom says, "If you write a letter to God telling Him why you think you should get that bicycle, I might get it for you." So the boy sits down to write his letter and he starts, "Dear God, I've been a really good boy this year, and..." Then he stops. He knows he hasn't been good so he starts over. "Dear God, I've been pretty good this year and..." Nah, that won't work either. He starts again, "Dear God, I've been all right this year and..." No, He won't believe me. So he tells his mom he needs to go to church. They go to the church building and the little boy goes up to the altar to pray. When his mom is not looking he grabs the statue of the virgin Mary and sticks it in his coat. When he gets back home he starts his final letter. "Dear God, if you ever wanna' see Your mother again..."
 
#53
#53
A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bar tender says, "Alright buddy I'll let you stay but don't start anything."
 
#54
#54
A Preacher, a Rabbi and a Muslim Cleric walk into a bar . . . The bartender looks up and says "What the hell is this . . . some kind of joke??"
 
#56
#56
Originally posted by vols2345@Mar 31, 2005 8:41 PM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Click to expand...

Good one!!!!!!!!!!! :dlol:
 
#57
#57
You choose:

A. A horse
B. John Kerry
C. Celine Dion

...walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"
 
#59
#59
An old lady's dog dies. She goes to the pet store to replace it but they are out of dogs. The pet shop owner suggests a parrot -- "it will talk to you and keep you company". The lady reluctantly agrees. She gets the parrot home and it talks alright but every other word is a curse word. "F-this and F-that". The old woman is horrified and takes the parrot back to the pet shop. The owner says he can't give her a refund but suggests she put the parrot in the freezer for 5 minutes. She is stunned but he assures her this will teach the parrot a lesson and it will stop cursing. So she puts the parrot in the freezer. Exactly 5 minutes later she opens the door and the parrot is shivering. She asks if the parrot is going to be good. It says "yes", she asks if it will curse anymore and the parrot says "no". As she reaches to remove the parrot it says "just one question". The parrot points over its shoulder back into the freezer ands asks "What'd the chicken do wrong?"
 
#60
#60
Did you hear the one about the cow that tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.
 
#61
#61
Did you hear the one about the firefly that backed into a fan while on vacation?

He sent a postcard home "Delighted, no end"
 
#62
#62
A man came home from golfing to find his wife in bed with another man. The other man fled but the wife stayed. In a fit of rage, the husband grabbed a 4 - iron and killed his wife. Realizing what he had done, he called the police. When they arrive, the officer asked what happened. "I don't know, I just snapped and hit her 5 or 6 times with my 4 iron" The cop asked "Well which was it 5 or 6 times?"

The husband replied "Put me down for a 5" :ph34r:
 
#64
#64
Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black were
sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up
a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the
curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed
in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in
my owner's couch."
So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back
and started humping away".
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts
off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

 
#65
#65
You are a redneck if...



1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the

House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

 
#66
#66
The Missionary

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a
tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write
and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly
stresses is the evils of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or
fornication!!"

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white
child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk
with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives
birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot
in our village.
It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence
- what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field.
See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature
does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say
anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child
 
#67
#67
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
saysDave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks
Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming
increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink
Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I

always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before
she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming
at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real b@tch this time."

 
#68
#68
What a man wants....







A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good ***-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.



Oh, wait, you misread it...



please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

 
#69
#69
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down... by David Letterman



10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr.Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with

Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

 
#70
#70
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office.


The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"



The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"



The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.



When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He
thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and
he says goodbye.



The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist
to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.



This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has
intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor,
then leave.



Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"



The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare

 
#71
#71
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men
with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is
menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his a@@ while he is on fire. No further studies are expected
 
#72
#72
Originally posted by volinbham@Apr 1, 2005 6:01 PM
A man came home from golfing to find his wife in bed with another man. The other man fled but the wife stayed. In a fit of rage, the husband grabbed a 4 - iron and killed his wife. Realizing what he had done, he called the police. When they arrive, the officer asked what happened. "I don't know, I just snapped and hit her 5 or 6 times with my 4 iron" The cop asked "Well which was it 5 or 6 times?"

The husband replied "Put me down for a 5" :ph34r:
Click to expand...

To be smart enough to quit golf, you have to be dumb enough to start.
 
#73
#73
Fred's son comes home from college, and tells him that they have been studying deductive reasoning. Fred asks, " What is deductive reasoning."

Fred's son: Well, it's like this. Do you have a dog?

Fred: Yeah



Fred's son: Then you must have a yard?

Fred: Yes

Fred's son: So, you must have a house?

Fred: Yes

Fred's son: Then you have a wife, right?

Fred: Yeah

Fred's son: So you must have kids?

Fred: Of course

Fred's son: So, then you must be heterosexual?

Fred: Oh, I get it now.

So the next day Fred goes to work and sees his buddy Bill, tells him that his son has come home from college, and that he is learning about deductive reasoning.

Bill: What's deductive reasoning?

Fred: Well, it's like this. Do you have a dog?

Bill: No.

Fred: ***!


 
#75
#75
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "We actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the foreskins from circumcisions?"

"Here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?," Questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."




 
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