OrangeEmpire
The White Debonair
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random things I wonder
- Thread starter vollygirl
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Ohio Vol
Inquisitor of Offense
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Ohio Vol
Inquisitor of Offense
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Not until Jack Handey does.
http://www.well.com/user/argv/funny/deep.thoughts1
Deep Thoughts by: Jack Handey
I bet for an Indian shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun in the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pine cone? That way, he learns that 'wishing' isn't going to save our national forests.
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
Last edited:
Ohio Vol
Inquisitor of Offense
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As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
Sometimes I think I would like to be named The Prince of Weasels. As the Prince of Weasels, I could sneak up behind people and bite them. Then they would turn around and say, "what the...oh, it's just you the Prince of Weasels."
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
Sometimes I think I would like to be named The Prince of Weasels. As the Prince of Weasels, I could sneak up behind people and bite them. Then they would turn around and say, "what the...oh, it's just you the Prince of Weasels."
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
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hmanvolfan
Volmeister extraordinaire
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gsvol
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I'm glad you brought this up because I'm always wondering about things myself.
A. Why can't the dumb thing just turn on the wipers when it's raining to begin with??
B. What if you use rainex and you don't need your wipers to see where you're going, are your lights supposed to be on anyway?? How many states have some law about that???
C. That's easy, if you multiply the 3 cents by a a big number, like a 1,000 or so, you can get enough money to buy a new couch or something, they call that profit margin and you can subtract that from your overhead, it all boils down to mathematics which has something to do with the pagadeorum theatrics, anyway it makes your accountant happy if you do it like that and there's nothing better than having a happy accountant except maybe beating Bama!!!
Some of the things I wonder about are like so;
Why do they call it 'air conditioning' when it's really 'air reconditioning'??? I mean like isn't the air already in some kind of condition already before you recondition it?? Additionally, if you have air conditioning, does that make you cool???
OK, if you can get pawns in a pawn shop where do you go to get the rest of the pieces???
And what are archives, is that where Noah kept his bees??
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?? Me neither, so why do they call them toadstools??
And another thing about mathematics, how do you write zero in Roman numerals?? For that matter how come hospitals give you an IV, why don't they just give you a four???
Let's say you're flying on a nonstop flight and the plane is going faster than the speed of sound, can you still hear your walkman and if it's a nonstop flight, how do you ever get off???
Why do blind people wear shades???? You don't see deaf people wearing earmuffs do you??
And the thing that baffles me the most is why do bars have parking lots if you're not supposed to drink and drive???
Speaking of driving, why do they say "rush hour" when that's when it takes the longest time to get anywhere???
All that is nothing compared to my lack of understanding of modern technology, for instance what's a semi-conductor?? Is that a sort of band leader??
And energy policy, why do they have daylight saving time??? I wish they would tell me where they're saving it, I probably wouldn't be up this late at night, or this early in the morning, according to how you want to look at it. (you might want to run out and check your car, if it has turned it's lights on, you could have a dead battery in the morning.) While you're at it, can you tell me for sure if there are fifty two light weeks in a light year, and do ten light years make a light decade and are some years heavy and some years light??? Is it OK to make light of heavy thoughts???
Does your car change colors???? You said it turns the lights on when it's dark!!!
A. Why can't the dumb thing just turn on the wipers when it's raining to begin with??
B. What if you use rainex and you don't need your wipers to see where you're going, are your lights supposed to be on anyway?? How many states have some law about that???
C. That's easy, if you multiply the 3 cents by a a big number, like a 1,000 or so, you can get enough money to buy a new couch or something, they call that profit margin and you can subtract that from your overhead, it all boils down to mathematics which has something to do with the pagadeorum theatrics, anyway it makes your accountant happy if you do it like that and there's nothing better than having a happy accountant except maybe beating Bama!!!
Some of the things I wonder about are like so;
Why do they call it 'air conditioning' when it's really 'air reconditioning'??? I mean like isn't the air already in some kind of condition already before you recondition it?? Additionally, if you have air conditioning, does that make you cool???
OK, if you can get pawns in a pawn shop where do you go to get the rest of the pieces???
And what are archives, is that where Noah kept his bees??
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?? Me neither, so why do they call them toadstools??
And another thing about mathematics, how do you write zero in Roman numerals?? For that matter how come hospitals give you an IV, why don't they just give you a four???
Let's say you're flying on a nonstop flight and the plane is going faster than the speed of sound, can you still hear your walkman and if it's a nonstop flight, how do you ever get off???
Why do blind people wear shades???? You don't see deaf people wearing earmuffs do you??
And the thing that baffles me the most is why do bars have parking lots if you're not supposed to drink and drive???
Speaking of driving, why do they say "rush hour" when that's when it takes the longest time to get anywhere???
All that is nothing compared to my lack of understanding of modern technology, for instance what's a semi-conductor?? Is that a sort of band leader??
And energy policy, why do they have daylight saving time??? I wish they would tell me where they're saving it, I probably wouldn't be up this late at night, or this early in the morning, according to how you want to look at it. (you might want to run out and check your car, if it has turned it's lights on, you could have a dead battery in the morning.) While you're at it, can you tell me for sure if there are fifty two light weeks in a light year, and do ten light years make a light decade and are some years heavy and some years light??? Is it OK to make light of heavy thoughts???
Does your car change colors???? You said it turns the lights on when it's dark!!!
gsvol
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Speaking of legumes, do the bubbles in the surf come from jellyfish eating jelly beans and breaking wind?????
That's why I never ever went surfing but I do like to stroll down the beach and check out the legumes, plus I always thought surf boards were waaaay over priced for something that didn't have any wheels!!!!
One other thing, that picture of John Kerry wind surfing made me want to barf and I don't care how many jelly beans Ron Reagan had on his desk, I mean the whole idea just makes me sea sick, well except for the exceptional legumes which make me want to go out and dance all night unless it's some limbo bar or something.
PinKVol
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gsvol
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Yes you are correct sir.
Yes, horse feathers, and btw macaroni didn't invent the radio, Nickolai Tesla did and Albert Einstein made us all radioactive because, uh well just because. Anyway we should all be more radioactive and that would cure this big problem we have with obesity. Is a Yankee Doodle something like a Norman Rockwell painting???
Because pilots have to take crash courses to get their licenses.
gsvol
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volwindy
sunshine hiker
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GASOUTHERNVOL
Ever drink Bailey's from a shoe?
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GASOUTHERNVOL
Ever drink Bailey's from a shoe?
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Steve Spurrier-":banghead2:
Mark Richt-Well ive always got FSU
Urban Meyer-:mf_surrender:
Nick Saban-Maybe Kiff will give me a job
BobbyJohnson-Ah well, at least i look like steve martin
Rich Brooks-*gulp of flask* 24 more years of orange dominance
(insert new auburn coach)-am i in over my head?
Houston Nut-:the_finger: arkansas,
GASOUTHERNVOL
Ever drink Bailey's from a shoe?
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gsvol
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I wonder what it would be like if Lou were buying a computer from Bud, it would probably go something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. May I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: A desktop and wallpaper.
COSTELLO: I already have a desk with a large top, so never mind the windows with the computer. I just need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. For the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is "office".
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? I told you I don't want windows installed in my computer.
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue
"W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your "blue 'W'" if you don't start with some straight answers! OK, forget
that. Can I watch movies on the internet on this computer?
ABBOTT: Yes, you'll want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is "real one"?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. May I help you?
COSTELLO: Your people set up this computer in my den and turned it on, but how do I turn it off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START."
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. May I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: A desktop and wallpaper.
COSTELLO: I already have a desk with a large top, so never mind the windows with the computer. I just need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. For the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is "office".
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? I told you I don't want windows installed in my computer.
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue
"W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your "blue 'W'" if you don't start with some straight answers! OK, forget
that. Can I watch movies on the internet on this computer?
ABBOTT: Yes, you'll want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is "real one"?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. May I help you?
COSTELLO: Your people set up this computer in my den and turned it on, but how do I turn it off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START."
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