Heard Any Good Jokes?

#26
#26
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lammas class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
"Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
#27
#27
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it..."
 
#29
#29
A man come home to find his wife with all of her bags packed hopping into a taxi.

"Where are u going?" he asks

"I'm leaving u, and it's because you are a pedophile!" she screams.

"Well, he says, "that is an awfully big word for a 9 year old. :dlol:
 
#30
#30
Originally posted by vols2345@Mar 31, 2005 8:32 PM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?
Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."
Click to expand...

:eek:lol:
 
#31
#31
Originally posted by Josh+Mar 31, 2005 9:25 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Josh @ Mar 31, 2005 9:25 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-vols2345@Mar 31, 2005 8:32 PM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What&#39;s wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I&#39;d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I&#39;m 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?
Thank God&#33; I thought you said "Turn around."
Click to expand...

:eek:lol: [/quote]
that is old.
 
#34
#34
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f****** French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f****** French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f****** French toast."
 
#35
#35
My grandfather always said, "Don&#39;t watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
 
#36
#36
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."
 
#37
#37
My wife isn&#39;t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it&#33; I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

 
#38
#38
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, What’ll you have? I said, Surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
 
#39
#39
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You&#39;re crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you&#39;re ugly too&#33;"
 
#41
#41
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he&#39;s feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I&#39;ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went &#39;bang, bang&#39;. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I&#39;d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
#42
#42
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy&#39;s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy&#39;s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I&#39;ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
 
#43
#43
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey&#33; What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is &#39;dry&#39; and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "What&#39;s the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you&#33;"
The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuuck&#33; Duuuude&#33;.......How much water did you drink?&#33;&#33;"
 
#44
#44
this is by far my favorite. hillarious.


Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f*** around?"
 
#45
#45
Originally posted by vols2345@Mar 31, 2005 9:44 PM
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey&#33; What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is &#39;dry&#39; and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "What&#39;s the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you&#33;"
The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuuck&#33; Duuuude&#33;.......How much water did you drink?&#33;&#33;"
Click to expand...

that is classic 2345


best one yet.

:dlol: :dlol: :dlol: :dlol:
 
#46
#46
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I&#39;m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you&#39;d allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I&#39;ll be all right. I&#39;ll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
 
#47
#47
Originally posted by LadyinOrange@Mar 31, 2005 8:09 PM
A drunk is sitting on a bar stool in Alaska when a huge bear walks in and climbs up on the stool beside him. The drunk leans over, puts his arm around the bear and says, "Hey toots, lemme buy ya a drink". The bear proceeds to slap the man around and maul him a bit before walking out the door. The drunk staggers to his feet and says " Buy a woman a fur coat and they think they own the world&#33;"

:p
Click to expand...

:clap:
 
#48
#48
Originally posted by vols2345@Mar 31, 2005 8:32 PM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What&#39;s wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I&#39;d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I&#39;m 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?
Thank God&#33; I thought you said "Turn around."
Click to expand...

:lolup:
I&#39;ve not heard that one. It&#39;s good.
 
#49
#49
Originally posted by vols2345@Mar 31, 2005 9:41 PM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he&#39;s feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I&#39;ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went &#39;bang, bang&#39;. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I&#39;d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Click to expand...

That&#39;s the best I&#39;ve heard so far. Congratulations. :clap:
 
New posts
You must log in or register to reply here.

VN Store



Back
Top