The Grude News, evening edition. For those just tuning in.
Brought to you by:
Nick Saban Motors. "I used to be a successful coach; until Gruden forced me into selling used cars...but I've got a deal for you!"
{cue to remove platform Saban is standing on for commercial}
The Waffle House. "Scattered, smothered, covered and chunked. And we ain't talking about our hash browns."
And
Red's Wholesale Brick Distributors. "Want to build something? We can help you brick by brick!"
Apologies for missing the updates. Got a little down, but I got a mix tape from Ape to cheer me up. Now, I've never heard the terms "STFU" and "GTFO" sung to Gregorian chants, but it moved me enough to post the updates again.
Jones was at the press conference today... <sigh> So much for the good news and all.
Beaver suggests calm and things were on track. Which prompted a shaved versus waxed beaver discussion. Which somehow morphed into a Game of Thrones/Dungeons and Dragons/World of Warcraft discussion. Which made it pretty easy to identify the nerds among us. (you know who you are)
Boro suggested the same. Said things were more or less on track.
DTO is gone. Got angry, took his ball and went home.
We have an interesting legal source. Laid out the whole contract thing and how it works. Seems to be very knowledgeable about the situation and broke it down into Barney terms most of us can understand.
As well as another poster that's been
following internet stalking us which helped break things down as well. Welcome aboard, guys.
SergeantVol has started a campaign to be a Mod. Not sure that's news, but a little humor mixed in with everything helps the day go by. Oh wait... he was serious? My bad lol
Freak had to step in during Gruden XXIV. Folks were getting a bit grumpy. Hell, I'm grumpy, but I won't direct it at a specific poster.
Albert Haynesworth dropped a Twitter bomb that said Jones will be here the remainder of the season, but Gruden is the front runner to replace him.
Not long after Tweeting, he got beat up by a former cheer teammate of Cindy Gruden for speaking when he shouldn't.
In related news, the NSA has removed the words "Gruden, Grumor and Grude" from it's list of metadata collection. This was done in order to avoid having to hire 7,500 new analysts to sift through message board traffic and prevent the meltdown of their servers.
Freak decides new pool on yacht will be filled with water after Lynchburg levels kept dropping by 2.5 feet every night and 9 feet during game days. After draining, Doyle found nestled at the bottom of the pool with a content smile on his face.
Also, he had to cut Daniela Lopez Osorio as the new head lifeguard. In test trials, attempted male drownings were up 9,432%. Is considering Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds as replacements and calling it R2. Sudden cries erupt of "I'm drowning!" as Volly, Faceless and DynaLo all claim to be in need of rescue at the same time and require mouth to mouth. Sara and SFD heard from the deck yelling "you go girl!" while sipping on little umbrella decorated fruity drinks and hurling dollar bills.
However, new lifeguards note the three are still not even in the pool yet. And that CPR generally does not include silly grins and wandering hands on the part of the victim.
From the entire Volnation News Team, I'm Grand Vol and I'll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred.
(All information herein is specifically parody unless otherwise indicated by real posters or events)