The Topic That Will Never Die

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#4,553
#4,553
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine"

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little **** is adorable anymore.
 
#4,554
#4,554
Blonde Carpenters...

Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either use it or throw it over her shoulder.
Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?".
Becky explained, "When I pull out a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away".
Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!".
 
#4,555
#4,555
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange.....orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're assholes!"
 
#4,556
#4,556
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange.....orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're assholes!"
 
#4,557
#4,557
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
 
#4,558
#4,558
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."
 
#4,559
#4,559
A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?
 
#4,561
#4,561
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted....
 
#4,562
#4,562
Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST
 
#4,563
#4,563
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.
A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. ''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''
''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.
''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''
 
#4,564
#4,564
Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."
 
#4,565
#4,565
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
 
#4,566
#4,566
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared her They believed she practiced blackmagic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
He had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The Man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig.

I had her buried upside down......."
 
#4,567
#4,567
How To Shower Like a Woman/Man

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind
this, there is something so very wrong with you.
 
#4,568
#4,568
salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
 
#4,569
#4,569
A woman goes on holiday in the Caribbean, whilst staying at her hotel she meets a big black guy. After a night of mad passion she asked for his name.
He replies: “If I tell you, you will laugh!” The woman promises she won’t laugh, so he says: “My name is SNOW!”
She laughs and says: “My hubby won’t believe me when I tell him had 10 inches of snow every night in the Caribbean!!!”
 
#4,570
#4,570
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"
 
#4,571
#4,571
-- Carolina Panthers Todd Sauerbrun and Jeff Mitchell and former player Todd Steussie had steroid prescriptions filled by a West Columbia, S.C., doctor now under investigation by federal authorities, according to a "60 Minutes Wednesday" report.

In a release Tuesday, the CBS News show said the players all had prescriptions for testosterone cream filled within two weeks of the Panthers' appearance in the 2004 Super Bowl.

In addition to the cream, which is banned by the NFL, Sauerbrun -- one of the league's top punters -- also obtained syringes and the injectable steroid Stanozolol, which is also banned by the league.

The prescriptions were reportedly written by Dr. James Shortt, who is the subject of a Drug Enforcement Administration probe for allegedly prescribing steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs.

Mitchell, a center, filled a testosterone prescription seven times, while Steussie, an offensive lineman now with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, obtained 11 refills over an eight-month period in 2004, CBS reported.

"We've heard rumors and speculation about what was going to be in the CBS report, but this is the first time we've heard the specific allegations," Panthers general manager Marty Hurney said. "Obviously, any time there is a possible connection with alleged actions that violate NFL rules, it concerns us greatly.

"We are dealing with allegations right now and we will continue to cooperate with the NFL and law enforcement in this matter."

NFL spokesman Greg Aiello told ESPN's Chris Mortensen the league was monitoring developments and conducting its own independent investigation into the "60 Minutes Wednesday" report.

The Panthers have been cooperating with a federal subpoena that sought contact information for several players as part of the probe of Shortt.

Hurney has stressed that none of the team's players have tested positive for steroids.

According to a report last month in The State of Columbia, Shortt has been under investigation since May.

In September, authorities raided Shortt's Health Dimensions office and Congaree Pharmacy near the Columbia Metropolitan Airport. State and federal agents seized computer data, at least 21 boxes of patient and medical records and 256 audio cassettes, the paper reported.

The "60 Minutes Wednesday" report also includes an interview with a former employee of Shortt, Mignon Simpson, who says she personally shipped human growth hormone to NFL players and that possibly a half-dozen players received hGH from Shortt.

There is no reliable test for hGH.

CBS said Mitchell and Steussie did not respond to repeated calls and letters seeking comment. The network said that when it contacted Sauerbrun by phone, and asked him about Shortt, the punter said, "I like the guy very much."

Ten minutes later, CBS said, Sauerbrun called back to say he had been confused and that he did not know Shortt.
 
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