The Paul Bain Thread (merged)

#538
#538
The Legend of Paul Bain

tougher than a 2 dollar steak

gives blood with a 357 and a bucket,

normal people have 46 chromosomes.

Paul Bain has 92 and they're all venomous,

Geico saved even more by switching to Paul Bain,

Paul Bain makes memory foam forget,

There is no such thing as a spare in bowling for Paul Bain.

Paul Bain spares nothing and no one, Paul Bain bowls overhand, Onions cry when Paul Bain cuts them,

Paul Bain has no shadow. Nothing is foolish enough to follow Paul Bain, Paul Bain doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone,

The boy cries wolf, the wolf cries Paul Bain,

Paul Bain does not break the law, he obliterates it,

Paul Bain didn't mishear you, you misspoke,

Paul Bain does not fall, he merely tests the durability of the floor with his face,

Pressure doesn't work well under Paul Bain,

When Paul Bain goes on a picnic, the ants bring him food,

Paul Bain once shook his magic 8 ball. Its prediction? Pain,

Paul Bain leaves teeth under his pillow for the tooth fairy. Never his own,

If at first you don't succeed, then you're not Paul Bain,

Paul Bain doesnt play because the other team forfeits when they see him walk on the field,

Paul Bain doesn't need Twitter. He's already following you,

Paul Bain can strangle you with a cordless telephone,

With Paul Bain, the first time's the charm,

Paul Bain knows when to quit, he's just never found it necessary,

There is no escape button on Paul Bain's computer, because nothing escapes from Paul Bain,

Davie Jones is afraid of Paul Bain's locker,

Paul Bain loves all animals.... medium rare,

Paul Bain's voice has no echo, because no one talks back to Paul Bain, If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and Paul Bain says it's a chicken, it's a chicken,

Paul Bain can do a wheelie on a unicycle,

We live in an expanding universe, all of which is attempting to escape Paul Bain,

Josh Dobbs can throw a football 60 yards. Paul Bain can throw Josh Dobbs even further,

Paul Bain threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded,

When asked "What are those?" Paul Bain answers them.

Ghosts sit around campfires and tell Paul Bain stories.

Paul Bain can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.

Paul Bain can unscramble an egg.

When Paul Bain steps on a lego, the lego cries.

When Paul Bain turned 18 his parents moved out.

Every time Paul Bain takes a shower he does't turn it on, he just stares at it until it cries.

Paul Bain can tie his cleats with his feet...with one foot tied behind his back.

When Paul Bain works out he doesn't get stronger, the machine does.

Paul Bain runs on the field and 102,455 fans come unglued.

Some say....that he has no understanding of clouds, and that he roams the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is, he's called Paul Bain.

Paul Bain has already been to Mars. This is why there are no signs of life.

Paul Bain once played dodgeball in elementary school. There were no survivors.

Paul Bain has a grizzly bear carpet in his dorm room. It's not dead, just afraid to move.

Paul Bain can believe it's not butter.

Paul Bain is the reason Waldo's still hiding today.

Paul Bain can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Before the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Paul Bain.

Death once had a near-Paul Bain experience.

Paul Bain and Superman once got in a fight. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his clothes.


He's a ten-foot tall beast man, who showers in vodka, and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.

The fear of spiders is called Arachnophobia, and the fear of heights is called Acrophobia. The fear of Paul Bain is called Logic.

When Paul Bain was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Paul Bain can recite the offense and defense playbook, backwards, in german while speaking russian.

When Paul Bain was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is fear?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

When Paul Bain breaks team rules, he makes Coach Jones run the stadium steps...

Paul Bain recruited Coach Jones.

Donald Trump apologized to him.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Paul Bain.

Giraffes were made when Paul Bain uppercutted a horse.

Paul Bain once went to Omaha. Peyton's not changing the play, he's looking for Paul Bain.

Dinosaurs once made Paul Bain angry, that's why they're extinct.

Paul Bain is so fast, he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room is dark!

Paul Bain can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

P. Bain can kick start a 747.

Paul Bain can take off his socks without taking off his shoes.

When Paul Bain wants an egg he cracks a chicken.

Paul Bains stare scares general zod.

Despite his coaches objections, Paul Bain began drinking gasoline each morning. To their suprise he gets eighty-three miles per gallon.

Paul Bain knows a word that rhymes with Orange

The only time Paul Bain has ever been wrong is the time he thought he made a mistake.

Paul Bain was born with two umbilical cords, one white and one orange. The bomb squad cut the wrong one.

Paul Bain does not wear a cup. He wears a barrel.

Paul Bain's picture is worth two-thousand words.

Paul Bain tears can cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.

Paul Bain can clog the toilet with urine.

Paul Bain isn't God, but he does beat him in football.

Paul Bain once lit a fart.

Paul Bain can change a tire on a car while it's still moving.

FEW PEOPLE CAN GO DOWN NIAGARA FALLS IN A BARREL. PAUL BAIN CAN GO UP NIAGARA FALLS IN A CARDBOARD BOX.

Jesus can walk on water. Paul Bain can swim on land.

If you flip over China its says made by Paul Bain.

There's no use in crying over spilled milk, unless it's Paul Bain's milk, in which case you're going to die.

Paul Bain can eat liquids with a fork.

Paul Bain doesn't give the wrong answer, you ask the wrong question.

When Paul Bain donates blood, he donates it by the gallon. None of it his own.

The last time Paul Bain cooked dinner... Jesus and the disciples had reservations.

Paul Bain can make apple juice with oranges.

There are lot of Chuck Norris jokes out there, but not many about Paul Bain, why?
Because Paul Bain isn't a joking matter

Paul Bain's cell phone vibrates simply because it's afraid of him.

Paul Bain flosses with logging chains.

Paul Bain invented the hamburger by punching a cow through a chain linked fence.

His poop is considered currency in Argentina!

Paul Bain gives life lemons.. He scares it into making his own lemonade.

Did I ever tell you about the time Paul Bain took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally, Bain takes me into a vacant lot and says, ‘Here we are.’ Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us. Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burnt the place to the ground. Bain yelled over the roar of the flames, ‘Always leave things the way you found them!'

Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off of a bat. Paul Bain bit the head off batman.

Paul Bain hit puberty in the second trimester

When Paul Bain wants a salad, he eats a vegitariain.

When Paul Bain breaks wind, it stays broken.

Paul Bain once defeated a laser beam in a forty yard sprint.

Paul Bain used to have a job as a zookeeper. But the animals didn't come out until they fired him.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he turns into Paul Bain.

When alone at night, Paul Bain likes to wear bunny slippers. REAL LIVE BUNNIES.

The only reason we never went back to the moon, is because Paul Bain didn't give us permission.

Paul Bain does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure.
Paul Bain goes killing.

Paul Bain puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Paul Bain wears sunglasses to protect the Sun from his eyes

Paul Bain can slam a revolving door.

Paul Bain can make lemonade from apples.

Paul Bain can dig a hole in water.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and Paul Bain.

Paul Bain once failed a chemistry class, because the only element he knows is the element of surprise.

The last person to make eye contact with Paul Bain was Stevie Wonder.

Paul Bain can button a zipper.

The chicken crossed the road to get away from Paul Bain.

We are bound by the laws of gravity. To Paul Bain, they are merely suggestions.

When you Google Paul Bain, no results are found. You don't find Paul Bain, Paul Bain finds you.

Mike Tyson accidentally crossed Paul Bain and out of fear he bit his own ear off.

The government pays taxes to Paul Bain.

When Paul Bain smokes a Cuban it has nothing to do with cigars.

Paper gets Paul Bain cuts

Have you ever heard the expression 'It's best to rip a bandaid off fast'?
Paul Bain hasn't. He's never needed a bandaid.

Paul Bain does simply walk into Mordor.

The real reason Columbus came to america, is because he heard Paul Bain was here.

Paul Bain can ice skate up hill.

Christian Bale tried to talk in Paul Bain voice. His voice box exploded.

I was running 120 mph on my Kawasaki when Paul Bain passed me on his Nike's.

Paul Bain has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

Before Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks under the bed for Paul Bain.

When Paul Bain tucks his kids into bed, he tells them "Don't worry. You're not alone. The boogey man is in here with you."

The reason people don't see UFOs anymore is because once the aliens saw Paul Bain, they stopped coming back.

Paul Bain doesn't know where you live, but he knows where you'll die.

Paul Bain doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

Paul Bain can drown a fish.

Paul Bain can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.

Paul Bain once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.

Paul Bain once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Paul Bain can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Paul Bain. When Paul Bain gets mad, RUN.

When Paul Bain enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
 
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#545
#545
Heard Paul Bain was impregating women of the Amazon when Rod Wilks was still floating around in his dads sack.
 
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