The Paul Bain Thread (merged)

#153
#153
Did I ever tell you about the time Paul Bain was in a production of ‘The King and I’? On opening night, Paul Bain chloroformed the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.
 
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#156
#156
Did I ever tell you about the time Paul Bain showed up at my daughter’s wedding? You know my daughter, she’s a beautiful girl. Well, Paul Bain shows up and you know he’s a big fella. Well, he’s standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and he’s Paul Bain. Well, long story short, the priest accidentally marries me and Paul Bain. We spend the weekend in the Poconos — he loved me like I’ve never been loved before.
 
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#160
#160
TennesseeRhett said:
Did I ever tell you about the time Paul Bain showed up at my daughter’s wedding? You know my daughter, she’s a beautiful girl. Well, Paul Bain shows up and you know he’s a big fella. Well, he’s standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and he’s Paul Bain. Well, long story short, the priest accidentally marries me and Paul Bain. We spend the weekend in the Poconos — he loved me like I’ve never been loved before.
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omg i lost it when i read this lmao.
 
#164
#164
Did I ever tell you about the time Paul Bain took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally, Bain takes me into a vacant lot and says, ‘Here we are.’ Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us. Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burnt the place to the ground. Bain yelled over the roar of the flames, ‘Always leave things the way you found them!'
 
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#165
#165
When Paul Bain was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is fear?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
 
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#166
#166
So anyway, Paul Bain would put on a white tie and tails and walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Paul Bain had to shoot the maid.
 
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#170
#170
Did I ever tell you about the time Paul Bain forced me to wear a woman's bikini? Well anyway, Paul Bain tears off my clothes and forces me to wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing only a woman's bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily, but Ill be damned if at the end of the quarter my sales hadn't tripled.

Ok, I need to do something else with my life for a while besides Paul Bain jokes.
 
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#171
#171
TennesseeRhett said:
Did I ever tell you about the time Paul Bain showed up at my daughter’s wedding? You know my daughter, she’s a beautiful girl. Well, Paul Bain shows up and you know he’s a big fella. Well, he’s standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and he’s Paul Bain. Well, long story short, the priest accidentally marries me and Paul Bain. We spend the weekend in the Poconos — he loved me like I’ve never been loved before.
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It just moved
 
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#174
#174
There used to really be aliens, but they abducted Paul Bain once and he killed them all.
 
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