Recruiting Forum Off-Topic Thread II

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#303
#303
volssam said:
What is it with grandparents lately? Your wife's reaction reminds me of my parents. They weren't all that thrilled when we told them we were pregnant with our fourth. And they don't get all that excited about keeping them for very long either, especially my dad.

If I live that long (decent chance I won't; i tend to stress a bit), I plan to be an awesome grandfather. I plan to be present and engaged and to help and keep and play with the grandkids happily.
It's a bit disheartening to hear my parents talk like they don't love keeping the kids. I don't get it.
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You are a great guy, Sam.

I'll try to 'splain the age thing without being too boring. My wife has not mastered the "worry" gene yet. She tends to move quickly past the Biblical admonition of to not do it and lay the burdens on the Master. She says God needs worrying Martha's like her to get things done for all of the Mary's out there that just want to sit around. :) She is an awesome grandmother, mom, sister, friend and my lifeline. But she is wearing down.

She treats our grandchild and takes care of him like she is his mom. That is taxing physically and emotionally at our ages. Her stress passes to me, as I have to shore up her aging abilities to take care of a hyper active grandson. So now we add another to the mix, coming from my step daughter that never grew up until now when she will no longer have any options. My wife sees a heavy burden coming on her knowing how immature she has been, and she has never learned how to say "no". I am counseling her to not enable the daughter by doing what should be done by the mother. Meanwhile our other daughter is trying hard to have the second child and has already become jealous of her half sister after losing two more - so sibling rivalry kicks in. She is easier to counsel since she is an angel from heaven that is being tested a tad. Add in that if my wishes were considered we would be sitting on the coast of SC half the year and not having to be surrogate parents. I just want to be a grandparent and am having to readjust my priorities. But I digress.

For your situation I am guessing it may be some or all of the following. As we age we hurt more, get cranky, don't handle stress the same way, feel we have done our thing with little support and it's time for us, etc. We see a world that is on fire and are very concerned for the grandchildren's future. We see the clock ticking and maybe still have enough health to do things we always wanted to do when we never had the time or freedom. That may be simple peace and quiet for a period of our lives or it may mean unrestricted traveling. My father-in-law always said he just wanted that while being surrounded with 5 kids, a dozen grandchildren, etc. I always reminded him that if he had a little less sex drive for his wife that may have been possible. lol. My mother-in-law was the opposite. The more the better and the more she could be involved the better she liked it - until the dementia kicked in for the last 10 years of her life. So who knows how it all may have been different?

Hope this helps, but it may not since I don't know your folks. But my guess is that age related stress, worry about the future, and having lived a life that restricted their freedom (which all of us that have children go through) may be causing some of it. Have patience with them.
 
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#304
#304
volssam said:
Yeah, I mean part of me understands that perspective. But 1) my parents aren't all that old; they're both 56. 2) I guess I'm thinking, so what? It's only temporary. And they're blood.

And at the end of life, if you have time to think about your life and reflect, would you regret one second you spent with your grandkids. And maybe I shouldn't say spent. Or maybe that's the problem. We shouldn't just spend our time; we should invest it.

Again if I am blessed with a long life, I plan to gladly invest my time and influence into my grandchildren.

Also as a Sidenote, If something happened to my wife and myself, right now it would probably be my parents that would raise them.
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I agree. I see the good and bad from my family. My mom and mother-in-law wants my two daughters (13 & 11) every weekend if they can. The real grandfathers could care less. My dad has not called about them in over 1 year. My father-in-law is hit or miss. They both act like they are granddads of the year.

The real grandfather is my wife's step father. I grew up with no grandfather and I have actually went out of my way to shake his hand and tell him "thank you for the grandfather you are to my kids. It means the world to someone who never had that." He takes them hunting, fishing, camping and gardening and they think the world of him for it. He is how I want to be.
 
#305
#305
Volnatic said:
Not to be a voice of negativity, but they didn't choose to have those kids. They had their own, raised them and put them out into the world. The beauty of being a grandparent is that you can play with th gkids and then give them right back. Keep in mind, this is completely my own 28 year old perspective. I have no children or grandchildren.
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Bingo.

Sometimes us grandparents feel like we are being used and that our time is not valued or being respected. It has nothing to do with loving them or our kids that had them. Grandchildren are a joy to be around for short periods. But raising them is a whole different story. If we wanted more children we would have had more or adopted some.
 
#307
#307
Vols4us said:
Bingo.

Sometimes us grandparents feel like we are being used and that our time is not valued or being respected. It has nothing to do with loving them or our kids that had them. Grandchildren are a joy to be around for short periods. But raising them is a whole different story. If we wanted more children we would have had more or adopted some.
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the Grandparents i've been around would do anything for their Grandchildren. period. Crazy thing. Love trumps all emotion and reason.
 
#308
#308
Darth_Shiveman said:
If I'm ever unlucky enough to have kids, I hope to God they don't make me take care of THEIR kids one day.
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I assume this is interwebs hijinks. If true, i pray you keep an open mind. Kids are clearly not for everyone, but you cannot judge children by other peoples kids, even nieces ans newphews are not YOUR kids. anyway, just food for thought. Everyones entitled to their opinion obviously.
 
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#309
#309
jackcrevol said:
I assume this is interwebs hijinks. If true, i pray you keep an open mind. Kids are clearly not for everyone, but you cannot judge children by other peoples kids, even nieces ans newphews are not YOUR kids. anyway, just food for thought. Everyones entitled to their opinion obviously.
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I actually like kids. Other people's kids don't bother me. At the end of the day someone else has to put them to sleep and I'm free to do me.

I just couldn't handle having to put up with one all the time. I can always play with my siblings' kids if I want. I'm much more comfortable in the role of the cool uncle. I'd rather use my time and income traveling or going to events I enjoy though.

I guess I'm just self aware enough to realize that I'm too selfish to be a good parent.
 
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#311
#311
Darth_Shiveman said:
I actually like kids. Other people's kids don't bother me. At the end of the day someone else has to put them to sleep and I'm free to do me.

I just couldn't handle having to put up with one all the time. I can always play with my siblings' kids if I want. I'm much more comfortable in the role of the cool uncle. I'd rather use my time and income traveling or going to events I enjoy though.

I guess I'm just self aware to realize that I'm too selfish to be a good parent.
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Nothing wrong with that last statement. Good thing. Most people would do it and continue to be selfish or have another for the checks. People have gone so far down hill it's crazy.
 
#312
#312
I love kids. Always have. I love babies, always have. My children are still relatively young, oldest daughter is 21 and getting ready to graduate college. Other than the idea of a sign of my age, (I'm really just a teenager if you ask my wife), I look.forward to being a granddad. I want to be a granddad though and not raise another child. I want to spoil them and then take them home and let their parents deal with them. From what I've picked up from observing other family and friends is the grandparents resent when they feel like they are obligated to help raise the kids. When their role is more than what a normal grandparents relationship should be.
 
#313
#313
Darth_Shiveman said:
I actually like kids. Other people's kids don't bother me. At the end of the day someone else has to put them to sleep and I'm free to do me.

I just couldn't handle having to put up with one all the time. I can always play with my siblings' kids if I want. I'm much more comfortable in the role of the cool uncle. I'd rather use my time and income traveling or going to events I enjoy though.

I guess I'm just self aware to realize that I'm too selfish to be a good parent.
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Not sure of your age but I felt a lot like you when I was in my twenties. I was afraid of the responsibilities that come with being a parent. My wife yearned for kids and I kept saying we couldn't afford them or some excuse. She was patient with me and finally I ran out of excuses. Had our first when we were in our early 30s. We've since had another child who is 16. I regret not having children earlier. While I'm not in terrible shape, it's difficult for me to be as active with my 16 year old son. Back yard football and basketball doesn't come as easy as I would like. I love my children and wouldn't trade them for anything. My advice is don't wait till you can afford them or some other excuse. Get being a kid and your freedom out of the way but don't wait till the point where you regret it later. My son is truly my best friend. I'm coming to realize that it won't be long till his friends and girls will be a higher priority for him than me and I fully understand that that is normal. I cherish each day that he wants to be my sidekick.
 
#314
#314
We have a 5 year old granddaughter and love her dearly and enjoy her when we are with her. I am her G-mom, not her mom. My husband and I love the time we now have to enjoy each other and do the things we didn't do when we were raising our children. Right or wrong, we focused on working, school, basketball, soccer, swim team, drama club (and drama!), cross country, working & saving for college for them. We also worked in the time to visit our own out of state parents and grandparents as often as possible. We loved everything about that time. We love everything about our time now. We travel - we bought an RV and we went back to Fall Creek Falls State Park where we met - first time back in 36 years - and spent some time with old friends there! We traveled in the RV to Key West, camping in state parks along the way, and welcomed the New Year there a couple of years ago. We get to go to watch the Vols play football. I'd never been to an away game before - we have so much fun! We went to the Outback Bowl in Tampa - my first bowl game - loved every minute! We still work and we spend our weekends when we're in town "dating" again. We include our daughter and g-daughter in our day to day lives but we don't raise our g-daughter, we don't pick her up from school, we don't go to all of her baseball or soccer practices, we do go to her activities but it isn't our focus - it's our daughter's.

Our g-daughter knows we love her and delight in the time we spend with her. She loves us and delights in that time as well. I may be wrong but feel this is a very healthy and loving relationship.

I know T/L dr :)
 
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#315
#315
InVOLuntary said:
I love kids. Always have. I love babies, always have. My children are still relatively young, oldest daughter is 21 and getting ready to graduate college. Other than the idea of a sign of my age, (I'm really just a teenager if you ask my wife), I look.forward to being a granddad. I want to be a granddad though and not raise another child. I want to spoil them and then take them home and let their parents deal with them. From what I've picked up from observing other family and friends is the grandparents resent when they feel like they are obligated to help raise the kids. When their role is more than what a normal grandparents relationship should be.
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I was gonna post my thoughts, but InVol pretty much nailed mine. That is exactly the way I feel. My two oldest are both married now, on one hand I can't wait to be a granddad, and be the coolest granddaddy of em all, but on the other hand, I do not want to raise any more kids. That is the joy (or it supposed to be) of being a normal grandparent. You get to take them back when your done.
 
#316
#316
SmokinBob said:
We have a 5 year old granddaughter and love her dearly and enjoy her when we are with her. I am her G-mom, not her mom. My husband and I love the time we now have to enjoy each other and do the things we didn't do when we were raising our children. Right or wrong, we focused on working, school, basketball, soccer, swim team, drama club (and drama!), cross country, working & saving for college for them. We also worked in the time to visit our own out of state parents and grandparents as often as possible. We loved everything about that time. We love everything about our time now. We travel - we bought an RV and we went back to Fall Creek Falls State Park where we met - first time back in 36 years - and spent some time with old friends there! We traveled in the RV to Key West, camping in state parks along the way, and welcomed the New Year there a couple of years ago. We get to go to watch the Vols play football. I'd never been to an away game before - we have so much fun! We went to the Outback Bowl in Tampa - my first bowl game - loved every minute! We still work and we spend our weekends when we're in town "dating" again. We include our daughter and g-daughter in our day to day lives but we don't raise our g-daughter, we don't pick her up from school, we don't go to all of her baseball or soccer practices, we do go to her activities but it isn't our focus - it's our daughter's.

Our g-daughter knows we love her and delight in the time we spend with her. She loves us and delights in that time as well. I may be wrong but feel this is a very healthy and loving relationship.

I know T/L dr :)
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I'm not trying to say that what you've described is wrong or unhealthy. I have a couple questions: (1) Do you ever keep your granddaughter for an extended period (i.e 3-5 days)? And, (2) do you think your daughter felt like it was a major imposition for you to do it?

My point is that, for my parents and in-laws, we feel like we are asking them to take out a second mortgage on their house on the (VERY) rare occasions that we could use overnight help with our children. That's what irritates me.

For day-to-day types of situations, as I said before, they are good for 3-4 hours then start calling to see when we'll be back to get the kids (and then act offended when we hire a sitter if we know we're going to be gone for 5-6 hours).
 
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#317
#317
Chuckie said:
I'm not trying to say that what you've described is wrong or unhealthy. I have a couple questions: (1) Do you ever keep your granddaughter for an extended period (i.e 3-5 days)? And, (2) do you think your daughter felt like it was a major imposition for you to do it?

My point is that, for my parents and in-laws, we feel like we are asking them to take out a second mortgage on their house on the (VERY) rare occasions that we could use overnight help with our children. That's what irritates me.

For day-to-day types of situations, as I said before, they are good for 3-4 hours then start calling to see when we'll be back to get the kids (and then act offended when we hire a sitter if we know we're going to be gone for 5-6 hours).
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Some context would help...How old are they? How well behaved are your kids? What kind ,if any, of physical problems do the GPs have?
 
#319
#319
OK, they are 66 and 62 with no physical problems (she's not in good shape, but he's very fit). The kids are pretty well-behaved, but my 5 y/o is very hyperactive (and I know that's a toll).

Also, it's worth noting that this is my wife's mom and step-dad. Her parents divorced when she was 6 and, shortly thereafter, they both decided they weren't done being single and childless. So, from the time my wife was 8 she was raised, fed, sheltered and clothed by her grandmothers (she'd live with one for a while, then with the other for a while). So, the "I've already raised my kids" argument holds little water here.
 
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#320
#320
Chuckie said:
OK, they are 66 and 62 with no physical problems (she's not in good shape, but he's very fit). The kids are pretty well-behaved, but my 5 y/o is very hyperactive (and I know that's a toll).

Also, it's worth noting that this is my wife's mom and step-dad. Her parents divorced when she was 6 and, shortly thereafter, they both decided they weren't done being single and childless. So, from the time my wife was 8 she was raised, fed, sheltered and clothed by her grandmothers (she'd live with one for a while, then with the other for a while). So, the "I've already raised my kids" argument holds little water here.
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Well if they weren't good parents then, what made you think they'd be good grandparents now?
 
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#322
#322
To be clear: I'm not talking about raising my kids. I'm talking about babysitting when needed.

Our current situation:

my wife had to go out of town to go through the things of her grandmother who recently passed away. This grandmother by the way, was actually the mother of my wife from the time she was 4 because my wife's parents abandoned her, choosing drugs and alcohol instead. Also this leaves my parents as the only grandparents to my kids.

I asked about trying to get off work Monday so I could watch them, but my boss said no because of too many already being off for spring break. So we asked my parents to keep the kids. And thankfully they have been (starting Sunday afternoon) and still are right now, as my wife is expected back today.

But both of my parents have been making comments either directly or indirectly complaining about having to do it. I know it can get overwhelming. I feel it myself. But it's all temporary pain and stress.

In fairness to my dad, his mom is sick and could pass away anytime really. So he does have a lot going on, so I am trying to keep that in mind.

I don't mean or want to come off as dishonoring my parents. I love them dearly. And am thankful for the raising they gave me. They're good people. I just get frustrated being made to feel guilty for asking them to watch the kids sometimes.
 
#323
#323
Catbone said:
https://youtu.be/N4s6LWBBEwI

Are you kidding me Ted?
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Oh come on. I was listening to this on the radio live. That clip in your link was taken out of context. Ted mainly talked about president Obama and his foreign policy/political correctness. But a reporter asked him something about trump. I can't remember the exact question, but anyways, I would call that clip a hack job
 
#324
#324
I do agree some parents put too much on grandparents. And I hope we don't do that.
My wife actually doesn't even like having to pack for the kids to spend the night at the grandparents. She says it's more trouble than it's worth. She would rather have the grandparents come to our house to watch the kids for a few hours while we go out, which we don't even do as much as we need,
IMO.

Speaking generally, though, I am afraid a lot of grandparents don't realize the role they can play in kids lives and the massive positive impact they have the opportunity to make.

Related to this, one thing our preacher said one night in our men's class, just when people get to the age of when they could be hugely effective in God's Kingdom, they take a step back and say they wanna rest and take it easy. Generally when people get to their fifties, their kids are leaving, they're more financially stable, etc, so they have more time and resources to do God's work. And then they want to step away from that responsibility to travel, take it easy, etc. And I wonder if we have missed something huge here because our society/culture pushes retirement and coasting/ resting around that age. I wonder if that's what God wants?
 
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