Commander Ego,
I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. During a recent recon mission Commander Samus came upon some vital information.
It appears the old Zoners have foolishly relegated their female posters, FD and Kat to mundane tasks such as cooking and cleaning, instead of utilizing their potential as leaders as we do in the New Zone. This leaves us an opening and it requires a male official who is fit, fertile, attractive and possess superior sexual prowess. According to a report from your secretaries, you sir posses those qualities.
We need you two seduce those two female members of the Old Zone, to full completion. We need you to probe and interrogate them deeply, fully and satisfyingly, so that they will moan, quiver and divulge sensitive information regarding where their food stocks are located. This information will be essential to our biological warfare efforts.
This mission will be strenuous, and will likely deprive you of large amounts of protein. I can understand if you choose not to accept this mission.
If you do accept report to the mess hall where you will be given extra rations of prime rib and beer. After that report to the armory where you will be give three rations of Franzia, and a cache of Barry White albums.
Please let me know post haste if you accept this mission.
Yours in Battle and Honor,
Nerd-Vol