LiO's CLEAN jokes and funny stories thread.

#51
#51
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
 
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#52
#52
Three fans were talking about the sad state of their team;
The first fan said "I blame the coach; if we could sign better players, we'd be a great team."
The second fan said "I blame the players; if they made more effort, I'm sure we would score more touchdowns"
The third fan said "I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I'd be supporting a decent team."
 
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#55
#55
So upset about the results, I’m leaving the United States and moving to Hawaii.
 
#56
#56
Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls' night out! My wife came back with no panties. The other husband said "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station...we'll never forget you!"
 
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#63
#63
I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. It was a Fanta sea.
 
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#66
#66
Question:
Three doctors said that Robert was their brother. Robert said he had no brothers.
Who is lying?
 
#68
#68
Guy takes his wife to dinner. While the waiter is taking his drink order he notices that the waiter has a spoon in his front shirt pocket. He glances around and all the waiters and bus boys all have spoons in their pockets. He asks his waiter why?
The waiter replies:" We recently had an efficiency expert study our operation and 95.38% of the time if someone drops a utensil it is a spoon. Having a spoon with all the employees saves us about 2.4 hrs per shift not having to go back to the kitchen to get one."
Sure enough while he is eating his salad he knocks off his spoon and without missing a step a waiter slaps a replacement spoon on his table as he brings him his soup. After the man finishes his meal and is waiting for the check he notices all the waiters and bus boys also have strings hanging out of their zippers. When his waiter comes with the check he says: "I understand about the spoon in the pocket, but what's up with the string in the zippers?"
"Well, " says the waiter " that same expert told us that if all the male employees would tie a string around it, they could pull it out with the string without touching it and there fore not have to wash their hands. That saves us another 3.67 hrs per shift."
"OK? " replies the man," but how do you get it back in without touching it??"
The waiter replies " I use my spoon."
 
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#69
#69
volmanjr said:
Guy takes his wife to dinner. While the waiter is taking his drink order he notices that the waiter has a spoon in his front shirt pocket. He glances around and all the waiters and bus boys all have spoons in their pockets. He asks his waiter why?
The waiter replies:" We recently had an efficiency expert study our operation and 95.38% of the time if someone drops a utensil it is a spoon. Having a spoon with all the employees saves us about 2.4 hrs per shift not having to go back to the kitchen to get one."
Sure enough while he is eating his salad he knocks off his spoon and without missing a step a waiter slaps a replacement spoon on his table as he brings him his soup. After the man finishes his meal and is waiting for the check he notices all the waiters and bus boys also have strings hanging out of their zippers. When his waiter comes with the check he says: "I understand about the spoon in the pocket, but what's up with the string in the zippers?"
"Well, " says the waiter " that same expert told us that if all the male employees would tie a string around it, they could pull it out with the string without touching it and there fore not have to wash their hands. That saves us another 3.67 hrs per shift."
"OK? " replies the man," but how do you get it back in without touching it??"
The waiter replies " I use my spoon."
Click to expand...
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#70
#70
Did you hear about the Kentucky guard who locked his keys in his car?

He had to break a window to get the center out.

(Bonus: works for either football or bball season!)
 
#73
#73
I was subbing at an elementary school, taking my turn at bus duty. One of the kindergarteners ran up to me saying: Teacher, that boy just threw me a chicken. His brother said: That wasn't a chicken, dummy. That was a bird.
 
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