Couple Of Jokes

#51
#51
Papa mole, Mama mole and baby mole. Papa sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell bacon and eggs." Mama squeezes her head through and says "I smell biscuit and gravy" No room for Baby to poke his head out and he says "All I smell is Molasses."
 
#53
#53
VIF said:
Papa mole, Mama mole and baby mole. Papa sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell bacon and eggs." Mama squeezes her head through and says "I smell biscuit and gravy" No room for Baby to poke his head out and he says "All I smell is Molasses."
Click to expand...

My high school physics teacher told a joke like that on Avagadro Day or w/e.
 
#54
#54
LOL this one is terribly inaccurate.


a nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. the first nerd was stunned and asked,"where did you get such a nice bike?"

the second nerd replied,"well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. she threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'take what you want!' "

the second nerd nodded approvingly and said,"good choice. the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
 
#55
#55
some people say the glass is half full.
others say it is half empty.
engineers say the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
 
#57
#57
1 Million aches= I megahurts

2000 mockingbirds= 2 kilomockingbirds

1000 kgs of chinese dumplings= won ton
 
#58
#58
Q: A marching band is playing outside in a thunder-and-lightning storm. Who's the first to get struck?

A: The conductor.
 
#59
#59
Thrasher865 said:
Q: A marching band is playing outside in a thunder-and-lightning storm. Who's the first to get struck?

A: The conductor.
Click to expand...

175686588_homer_facepalm_xlarge.jpeg
 
#60
#60
You won't get this one VIF


So, infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a cold beer. The second one orders half of a beer. The third one orders 1/4 of a beer. The fourth one orders .125 beer, and so forth.
The bartender says, "You guys are goofy," and sets out two beers.
 
#61
#61
This one's great

The square root of negative one and pi are having an argument. After the discussion the square root of negative one say to pi, "Why can't you just be rational?" Pi responds, "Get real."
 
#62
#62
Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." The helium doesn't react.
 
#66
#66
Why did the programmer die in the shower? The shampoo bottle said: "Wash, rinse, repeat."



I hate reddit. I don't even understand what it is, but I'll be on it all day now, thanks, guys.
 
#67
#67
Thrasher do you own a pocket protector? Be honest. :)
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#68
#68
Had to google Bertrand Russell for this one:


Bertrand Russell comes out of the hospital where his wife has just given birth. A journalist comes up to him and excitedly asks: "Is it a girl or a boy?" Bertrand Russell replies: "Yes."
 
#70
#70
omgwtflolrage


Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them. Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side. Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
 
#71
#71
A wife asks her husband, who is a software engineer: "Could you please go shopping for me and buy 1 carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him why the hell did he buy 6 cartons of milk??? He: "They had eggs"
 
#73
#73
LOL love the reddit nerd banter.


[–][deleted] 623 points 8 months ago
What do a neutrino and I have in common?
We're both constantly penetrating your mom.

[–]ratchetthunderstud 1004 points 8 months ago
And like a neutrino, you are so small that she doesn't even know its happening

[–]ggggbabybabybaby 249 points 8 months ago
Depends on your frame of reference. Maybe your mom is just huuuuge.

load more comments (9 replies)
[–]jtylerjones 40 points 8 months ago
ZING
permalinkparent
 
#74
#74
there is a physicist, a biologist and a mathematician standing in front of a house. They see one man enter and two men leave.

The Physicist says, "Well there is obviously an unknown variable." The Biologist says, "The man must have multiplied."

The mathematician then looks at them both and says, "I don't know how it happened but if one more person enters the house it will be empty."
 
#75
#75
A historian, an engineer and a statistician are duck hunting. A duck rises from the lake. The historian fires first and shoots 10' behind the duck. The engineer fires second and shoots 10' in front of the duck. The statistician jumps up excitedly and exclaims "We got him!"
 
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