Anyone up for a laugh?

#51
#51
Survivor: Tennessee Style.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, we're planning to do our own show entitled "Survivor: Tennessee Style."

The contestants will start in Bristol, travel down to Morristown and on to Knoxville. From there they will head over to Athens then Chattanooga. They will then proceed north to Nashville then east through Cookeville, Crossville, Kingston, back through Knoxville and hit I-81 all the way back to Bristol.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Florida license plates and several large bumper stickers that read:

"I'm Gay and Dale Earnhart was my lover"
"NASCAR Sucks"
"Go Bama"
"Copenhagen is for Idiots"
"Barrack in 2008"
"Deer Hunting is Murder"
"Say No to Budweiser"
"I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns"
"Go Gators."


The first one to make it back to Bristol alive wins.





Betty Malone, PHR

HR Analyst

Mountain States Health Alliance

Human Resources

Johnson City, Tn
 
#52
#52
rbroyles said:
A penquin from Alabama (gotta keep with the thread) had trouble with the transmission in his car and stopped at a garage. While they were looking at the car, he walked outside and noticed an ice cream parlor accross the street. He went over and had some vanilla ice cream, but since he had no hands, he got the ice cream all over his beak and dripped it down his chest. He went back to the garage and the mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal". The penquin says "no I've been eating ice cream."
Click to expand...

:rofl: Broyles you old fool, you kill me!
 
#53
#53
A husband who was an Alabama grad and his wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist, a UT grad, got up; walked around the desk; and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.... as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up... and quietly sat down, as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays..... but on Fridays, I fish."
 
#54
#54
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Uh-oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?' but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts... Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! ******** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 
#55
#55
An addendum to broyles story:

STUD ROOSTER
>
> A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
> chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK
> old fart, time for you to retire."
>
> The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
> chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
> old hens over in the corner?"
>
> The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
>
> The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
> the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
> chicken coop."
>
> The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,
> just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
>
> The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
> takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
> the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old
> rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual
> spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his
> shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly
> shakes his head and says,
>
> "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
>
> Moral of this story? ....
> Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
> will always overcome youth and arrogance!
 
#57
#57
volmanic said:
Give me your best hated team jokes.

Here are some I can think of:


Why did the Gator players miss their flight for the big game?
They were stuck on a broken escalator!




You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of the Gators. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Gator fan… twice.



The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The Gators are National Championship contenders."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"
Click to expand...

make me laff funny guy
 
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