Write your best joke about SEC teams. i'm having a competion with other SEC fans

#2
#2
Has there been an original joke in this genre in the past 10 years?
 
#4
#4
My favorite Lewis Grizzard joke.

Earl and Bubba were watching UGA clean his most private parts. Earl turns to Bubba and says "Man I wish I could do that". To which Bubba replies, "Earl, that dog would bite youuu!"
 
#5
#5
Grizzard was a great storyteller. His book titles alone made me chuckle:

“Elvis is Dead and I Don’t Feel Too Good Myself,”
“If Love Were Oil, I’d Be a Quart Low,”
“Don’t Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes”

 
#7
#7
When my Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?
 
#8
#8
I reccomend "The Last Bus to Albequrque". It is a posthumously published anthology of sorts.
 
#9
#9
I loved a great piece Grizzard wrote about going to a UGA-S.Carolina game in Columbia (before they joined the SEC), which the Dawgs lost. Just a stream of consciousness piece about running out of beer and how miserable the day was.
 
#11
#11
I posted this in another thread, but...this might be a good addition to your arsenal:

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in _________?

Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

:)
 
#12
#12
All Vol! said:
I posted this in another thread, but...this might be a good addition to your arsenal:

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in _________?

Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

:)
Click to expand...

The way I heard this is why cant the University of FL celebrate xmas?

Because they couldn't find a virgin or 3 wisemen
 
#13
#13
Ok here is a few.

1.How can you tell a bama fan is married?
There is tabacco stains on both sides of the truck.

This one I read on this forum somewhere.

2.Some boys were fishing at the lake,and they saw Urban Meyer drowning.They go in,and pull him out.He says anything you boys want you can have.The 1st says a Michael Jordan basketball.He replies ill do you better you can meet him,and see him sign it in person.The 2nd little boys says Id like to go to disneyland.He replys ill send your whole family for a week.The 3rd boy says id like crutches,and a wheelchair.He replies you dont look disabled to me.The little boys says I will be when my dad finds out I pulled you out of the water.
 
#14
#14
Did you hear that Urban Meyer wont dress half the team tomorrow?

They learned to dress themselves.

Why is the stadium called the swamp?
So the girls have something to do at halftime.
 
#15
#15
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A University of Tennessee biology student is in the morge preparing to preform an autopsy. He rolls the body over and prepares to start when he notices a cork stuffed into the cadaver's anus. He removes the cork and is startled to hear the University of Florida fight song. He puts the cork back, runs down the hall to his professor and says, "You have to come see this! Quick!" to which the professor responds, "This better be important. I'm very busy." The student leads him to the body and takes out the cork. The professor says,"Big deal, I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

A Gator and a Vol are both taking a leak at the urinals in the men's restroom. The Vol shakes it off, zips it up and heads for the door while the Gator says, "Aren't you going to wash your hands?" To which the Vol replies, "No,I want to get back to the game, why?"
Gator: "At The University of Florida, they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom."
Vol: "At The University of Tennessee, they taught us not to piss on our hands!"
 
#16
#16
I found some of these I found quite funny.

Q:What do you call an LSU girl followed by a Commodore (or Commode Door), a Rebel, a Gamecock, and a Gator?
A: Regular price, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks,4 bucks.

Q: What's the difference between the Ole Miss football team and a box of Rice Krispies?
A: Rice Krispies go in a bowl.

Q: Did you hear about the Bama grad that got fired from the M&M manufacturer?
A: He kept throwing out all the "W"'s.

Q:How can you tell if a 'Dore has been using your computer?
A:There's white out on the screen.

Q:How can you tell if a Aggie has been using your computer?
A:There's writing over the white out.

Q: A LSU grad and a Gamecock both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first?
A: The LSU grad because the Gamecock would have to stop to ask for directions.

Q: Why don't they put ice in drinks at College Station?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q: Hear about the Mississippi guy who lost $50 on the football game?
A: He lost $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay!

Q: Did you hear about the Florida athlete that won a Gold Medal at the Olympic game?
A: He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed!

Q: Why don't they teach sex ed and driver ed at Ole Miss?
A: They don't want the mule to get too tired!

Q: Why don't you see many FLORIDA Pharmacist?
A: They can't figure out how to put the medecine bottles in the printer!(this one said tennessee but changed it)

Q. What is the definition of safe sex down at Auburn?
A. Placing a sign on the animals that kick...

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About 75,000. One to change the bulb, and 74,999 to stand around and talk about how great the old one used to be.

Q: What is 100 yards long and had 3 teeth?
A: The front row at a Alabama home game

Q: How do you get an Auburn Graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza!

Q: What was the first thing the Auburn graduate said to the LSU graduate after getting his degree?
A: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order please?
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Have you heard that Jackie Sherrill is running for sheriff of Starkville, MS?

-Yeah, he wanted to be closer to his players.
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Apparently a Gator and a Rebel died and went to hell. Once there, they met Lucifer, who took them to their eternal residence, rooms where they would be constantly forced to watch highlights of LSU victories against them in various sports while listening to Hey Fightin' Tigers, the LSU Alma Mater, and Fight for LSU.

Along the way, they saw this man next to a gorgeous woman, about 5'10", 32-20-28. They were flirting heavily. The Gator asked Satan, "Hey, how come we get such horrible judgement, but he has it made?" Then Satan says, "No, dummy, that's HER punishment. That's a Bama grad."
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Apparently Tommy Boy Tide and Bama Billy Bob wanted to go to Vegas to gamble. So they each saved up $300 to gamble with. So they get to Vegas and agree to split up. When one runs out of money, that one would find the other one.

Well, as luck would have it, Tommy Boy Tide lost all his money at the craps table. So, he went to find Bama Billy Bob. When he did, he saw that BBB had a bucket overflowing with quarters. TBT said, "Man, BBB, is that a hot machine or somthn'?" BBB says, "Aw, yeah man. Every time I puts in a dolla bill, it giv me back FOUR quartas!"

A UF sorority girl walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The Florida girl looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The UF blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning!"
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A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Arkansas joke.

"Listen buddy," the bartender growled, "see those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Razorback football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Arkansas. That guy in the corner was Arkansas' all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Arkansas. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
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Two Bama fans were in a bar one night bragging about their latest accomplishment. The bartender noticed the two guys bragging to the women and curiosity got the best of him. "What's the good news?" he asked.

One of the men turned to the bartender and proudly said "Me and Bama Bob just put a puzzle together and it took us a year!"

"A year?" the bartender asked, "You guys are proud of that?"

"Hell yes!" said Bama Bob, "The box said up to four years!"
 
#17
#17
Tommy Tubberville and some of his players are doing community service in the off-season. They go to one of the knewly built Habitat-for-Humanity homes to help paint the interior. They get there, and a little old lady says, "I would like a pale blue color for the kithcen." Tubberville says, "OK", then yells out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!!!" The lady then takes them into to the bathroom and says, "Can you please paint this bathroom a peach color?" Tubberville says, "Sure, mam, then yells out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!!!" The lady shakes her head confused, then takes them into the living room. She says, "I want the living room to have a nice warm feel with a light color to make it feel larger. Can you paint this room Ivory?" Tubberville says, "Sure can, mam, then yells out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!!!"

The lady, still confused, asks, "Why do you keep yelling green side up out of my windows?" Tubberville answers, "Sorry, mam, we have a few of my players laying sod across the street."
 
#18
#18
One foggy night a Vols fan was heading south and a Gator fan was driving
north.

While crossing a narrow bridge they hit each other head-on, mangling both
cars.

The Vols fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive".

Likewise, the Gator fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too, feeling
fortunate to have survived.

The Gator fan walks over to the Vol fan and says, "Hey, man, I
think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live
as friends instead of being rivals."

The Vol fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely
right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else
survived the wreck." The Vol fan then pops open the trunk of his car and
removes a full undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee sippin whiskey.

He says to the Gator fan, "I think this is another sign that we should
toast to our newfound friendship." The Gator fan agrees and grabs the bottle.
After sucking down half of the bottle, the Gator fan hands the bottle
back to the Vols fan and says, "Your turn".

The Vols fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of
the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll
just wait for the cops to show up."
 
#19
#19
A UT, uf and ua fan find a genie bottle they decide to rub the bottle and out pops a genie he tells them they have 3 wishes. So they agree that they will each get one wish. The UT fan being polite allows them to go 1st. The uf fan tells the genie to build a wall around the state of fla. so that nothing can get in or out. The ua fan says that's a great idea I want the same wish build a wall around alabama so nothing can get in or out. They both think they have made very intelligent wishes, they are very pleased with themselves. The UT fan says let me get this straight there are walls around both fla. and ala. so nothing can get in or out, the genie answers yes. The UT fan says well then fill them up with water.:dance2:
 
#20
#20
Volsfan895 said:
One foggy night a Vols fan was heading south and a Gator fan was driving
north.

While crossing a narrow bridge they hit each other head-on, mangling both
cars.

The Vols fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive".

Likewise, the Gator fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too, feeling
fortunate to have survived.

The Gator fan walks over to the Vol fan and says, "Hey, man, I
think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live
as friends instead of being rivals."

The Vol fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely
right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else
survived the wreck." The Vol fan then pops open the trunk of his car and
removes a full undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee sippin whiskey.

He says to the Gator fan, "I think this is another sign that we should
toast to our newfound friendship." The Gator fan agrees and grabs the bottle.
After sucking down half of the bottle, the Gator fan hands the bottle
back to the Vols fan and says, "Your turn".

The Vols fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of
the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll
just wait for the cops to show up."
Click to expand...

On that same bridge, 4 gator fans drowned while riding in the back of a pick up truck that went off the bridge and into the lake...they couldn't get the tailgate open.
 
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