The Joke Thread

#176
#176
What do you call a guy at your door with no arms or legs?









Mat.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#177
#177
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in your pool?





Bob.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#178
#178
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs just hanging around?


Art.
 
#179
#179
Why do people with no arms and no legs never have any friends?




They are a real drag.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#180
#180
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter because he's not coming.
 
#182
#182
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where are you going with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain`t just any old wire, this here`s chicken wire- I`m fixin` to catch me some chickens!"
"You can`t catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road.
He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he`s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer`s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where are you going with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain`t just any old tape, this here`s duck tape- I`m fixin` to catch me some ducks!"
"You can`t catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back.
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road.
He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can`t believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer`s sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where are you going with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain`t just any old stick, this here`s pussy willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says, "I`ll get my hat."
 
#183
#183
Why does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand? 'Cause she sings with the other one.

Why couldn't Helen Keller scream for help during the snow storm? 'Cause she was wearing mittens!
 
#184
#184
Did you know Helen Keller had a playground in her backyard?

Well, she didn't either.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#185
#185
Nice.
How did Helen Keller go crazy? Trying to read a stucco wall.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#186
#186
Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff?




You would too if your name was woowahrorodahdahwoowoo.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#188
#188
What did Helen Keller get for Christmas?


Polio...she had everything else.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#189
#189
If Helen Keller was a psychic would it be considered a third sense?
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#191
#191
How do you fix a dishwasher that quits working?



You slap the hell out of her.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#192
#192
What's the worst part about having a dog with no legs?



Taking it out for a drag.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#193
#193
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ....

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shat!" Then I would say, “It is dog shat. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shatty for free, and then making you pay to get the shatty taste out of your mouth."
 
#194
#194
Behr1213 said:
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ....

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shat!" Then I would say, “It is dog shat. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shatty for free, and then making you pay to get the shatty taste out of your mouth."
Click to expand...

Bravo! :lolabove:
 
#195
#195
Behr1213 said:
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ....

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shat!" Then I would say, “It is dog shat. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shatty for free, and then making you pay to get the shatty taste out of your mouth."
Click to expand...

roll.gif

Too funny Behr
 
#197
#197
A man named Bob is greeted by his pastor as he leaves church and the pastor notices that he has two swollen eyes.
PASTOR: What happened to your eyes?
BOB: I was sitting behind sister Ethel and when we stood to sing our hymns I noticed that her dress was stuck in her butt crack. So I reached up and gave her dress a bit of a tug to get it out and she turned around and punched me right in the eye.
PASTOR: Wow! Well how did the other eye get so swollen?
BOB: Well, I figured that if she really wanted her dress crammed up her butt so bad that I would just reach up and cram it back in.
Posted via VolNation Mobile
 
#200
#200
What do women and linoleum flooring have in common?

Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them forever!
 
New posts
You must log in or register to reply here.

VN Store



Back
Top