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The Joke Thread
- Thread starter lawgator1
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There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in
there. We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You
don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
there. We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You
don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
hmanvolfan
Volmeister extraordinaire
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- Joined
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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture
frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..
A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture
frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..
A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
**1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that
there
were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
**2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I
instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
**3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had
died of a 'massive internal fart.' *
**4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.
'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and
now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
**5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about
twenty years -- when my husband was alive.
**6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this
morning?'
'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste,' the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet
labelled 'KY Jelly.'
**7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
**AND FINALLY!!!...
**8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that
there
were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
**2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I
instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
**3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had
died of a 'massive internal fart.' *
**4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.
'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and
now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
**5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about
twenty years -- when my husband was alive.
**6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this
morning?'
'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste,' the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet
labelled 'KY Jelly.'
**7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
**AND FINALLY!!!...
**8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Behr
Die Hard #1 Christmas Movie All Time.
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A DEA officer stops at a ranch in South Dakota , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores..
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores..
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"
UTvol1fn
Rub A Dub Dub
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I once knew a man who had been married three times and every one of his wives had died. I didn't want to pry but curiosity got the better of me and I asked how his former wives had passed away. He said the first one ate poisonous mushrooms and died. I thought it was kinda strange but continued to ask about the second one. He said his second wife ate poisonous mushrooms and she died. I was stunned but went ahead and asked about the third. "What happened to your third wife", I asked, "I guess she died from eating poisonous mushrooms too". "No", he replied, "she got hit in the head with a hammer and she died". I couldn't believe it, "your telling me your third wife got hit in the head with a hammer and died"? "Yep", he continued, "she wouldn't eat her poisonous mushrooms, so I hit her in the head with a hammer and she died".
UTN '74
Well-Known Member
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Told to me as a true story... A car load of women were driving up I-65 from Birmingham toward Nashville when they were pulled over by an Alabama State Trooper for speeding. The trooper walks up to the driver's side window holding his ticket book. The driver (thinking if she was friendly she might avoid a ticket) says to the trooper "Are you selling tickets to the state trooper's ball?" The trooper replied, "Mam, we don't have balls." When the whole car load of women exploded with laughter, the trooper looked down, closed his ticket book, and walked quickly back to his car and drove off.
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Another true story. A man named Harry Butts brought two women to church with him one Sunday. The preacher at that particular church always made it a point to recognize the visitors. When he noticed Harry had two visitors with him he asked them to stand. He said it like this "will the two women with Harry Butts please stand up". According to my wife, they lost control of the service and had to dismiss. My wife said this happened at her aunts church in Loudon County.
Another true story. This happened at my church. One of our deacons has a wife who is as sweet as she can be but is known to be a bit of an "air head". She had been having some medical problems and went to have a CAT scan. At the next service her husband (our deacon) stood up and told our preacher he had "a praise report". Our pastor was more than happy to let him announce the good news. This is what he said "I have some good news everybody, they did a brain scan on Lillian and didn't find a thing". Our preacher is very serious but it was all he could do to keep a straight face.
tnvolsfan85
Well-Known Member
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NYYVol
Help Me To Help You
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Man walks into a bar and asks for the strongest drink the bartender had.
Bartender pours a shot and gives it to the man. Man takes a swig and spits it out and says "helluva driver."
Man looks up and says can I have another one of them. Bartender pours the shot and slides it to the man. Man takes a swig and spits it out and says "helluva driver."
Bartender started to wonder what was going on. While he was still trying to figure it out the man says, "alright, one more of them will probably do it."
Bartender makes the shot slides it to him. He throws it back takes a swig, spits it out and says "helluva driver."
Bartender said "Ok man, you've got some explaining to do. You've spit three damn fine shots of liquor out...what gives?"
The man replies, "well I was hitchhiking my way back through the Smoky Mountains and an 18-wheeler was the only guy to stop and pick me up. After about 50 miles we came off the backside of that mountain haulin *** and come around a bend and down at the bottom of the hill was a jack-knifed truck blocking both lanes... He said I gripped the seat as tight as I could and looked at that driver and told him if he got me out of here alive I'll s*** your d***. Helluva driver."
Bartender pours a shot and gives it to the man. Man takes a swig and spits it out and says "helluva driver."
Man looks up and says can I have another one of them. Bartender pours the shot and slides it to the man. Man takes a swig and spits it out and says "helluva driver."
Bartender started to wonder what was going on. While he was still trying to figure it out the man says, "alright, one more of them will probably do it."
Bartender makes the shot slides it to him. He throws it back takes a swig, spits it out and says "helluva driver."
Bartender said "Ok man, you've got some explaining to do. You've spit three damn fine shots of liquor out...what gives?"
The man replies, "well I was hitchhiking my way back through the Smoky Mountains and an 18-wheeler was the only guy to stop and pick me up. After about 50 miles we came off the backside of that mountain haulin *** and come around a bend and down at the bottom of the hill was a jack-knifed truck blocking both lanes... He said I gripped the seat as tight as I could and looked at that driver and told him if he got me out of here alive I'll s*** your d***. Helluva driver."
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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husbands condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didnt you! I hope youre proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'
The woman broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'Im just pulling your leg. Hes dead. Show me what you bought.'
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husbands condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didnt you! I hope youre proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'
The woman broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'Im just pulling your leg. Hes dead. Show me what you bought.'
rbroyles
Well-Known Member
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- Sep 4, 2006
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A preacher's topic for his sermon was on the premise that no matter what ailment, problem or despair you had, it was addressed in the bilbe. Afterwards when greeting the departing congregation, a little lady said preacher I've never found anything in the bible about PMS. A little taken back, he then replied, well I'm not aware of a verse immediatley, but I am sure I can find one by next Sunday.
Next Sunday, she asked, couldn't find one I bet, to which the preacher said oh yes, found it in Matthew. "And it came to pass that Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Bethlehem."
Next Sunday, she asked, couldn't find one I bet, to which the preacher said oh yes, found it in Matthew. "And it came to pass that Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Bethlehem."
CountVolcula
Eternal Vol
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An elderly man, visiting his wife in the nursing home, is approached by one of his wifes nurses.
The nurse explains to the husband, that while they were bathing his wife the other day, they noticed activity on her brain scan when they would bathe her around her private area.
The husband was excited, since his dear wife had been in a vegetative state for many years.
The elderly man spoke with the doctors and it was decided that oral sex might be a way to stimulate her brain function and bring her back from her condition.
The next week, the elderly man comes as normal and the nurses acknowledge him as he enters his wifes room.
The nurses are having a conversation when they noticed that the elderly lady had redlined. They rush to the room to find the elderly gentleman next to the bed, extremely distraught.
The nurses ask " What happened?"
The elderly man replied " Well, I was trying out that oral sex like you suggested"
"Well what happened" the nurse asked
The elderly man replied " I dont know, I guess she choked to death"
The nurse explains to the husband, that while they were bathing his wife the other day, they noticed activity on her brain scan when they would bathe her around her private area.
The husband was excited, since his dear wife had been in a vegetative state for many years.
The elderly man spoke with the doctors and it was decided that oral sex might be a way to stimulate her brain function and bring her back from her condition.
The next week, the elderly man comes as normal and the nurses acknowledge him as he enters his wifes room.
The nurses are having a conversation when they noticed that the elderly lady had redlined. They rush to the room to find the elderly gentleman next to the bed, extremely distraught.
The nurses ask " What happened?"
The elderly man replied " Well, I was trying out that oral sex like you suggested"
"Well what happened" the nurse asked
The elderly man replied " I dont know, I guess she choked to death"
dantheman617
Walking on sunshine
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CountVolcula
Eternal Vol
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cotton
Senior Member
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UTN '74
Well-Known Member
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OrangeEmpire
The White Debonair
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The bride tells her husbandThe bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
:hi:
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
:hi:
UTN '74
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2008
- Messages
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- 334
A young man is visiting his grandfather in a nursing home. Grand Dad is in a wheel chair and when he leans slightly to the right, a nurse hurries over to sit him back up straight. The boy and his Grand Dad talk a little. The boy notices his Grand Dad start leaning slightly to the left and again the nurse hurries over to sit him back up straight. The boy is impressed and says to his Grand Dad, "They sure do take care of you here." Grand Dad replies, "Yeah, maybe, but they won't let you fart."
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2005
- Messages
- 22,139
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- 3,959
The Cowboy Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will appreciate this one)
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for parole in three years!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for parole in three years!
Last edited:
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