gsvol
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2008
- Messages
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Some funny, all punny.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fish.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
"A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
21. A Mexican Fire Chief just had twin boys.
He named one boy Jose and the other Hose B.
22. There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their priestly careers came to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope. Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With a gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?'
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
23. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says;
"I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw!"
24. How is proper behavior at a convention like one of the New England states?
Because its...Con etiquette....
25. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead 'possums. The stewardess looks at them and says, Im sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
26. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?
They called it the herd shot round the world.
27. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. Onewent to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The
other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
28. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
29. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying hed be back if they didnt close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fish.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
"A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
21. A Mexican Fire Chief just had twin boys.
He named one boy Jose and the other Hose B.
22. There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their priestly careers came to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope. Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With a gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?'
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
23. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says;
"I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw!"
24. How is proper behavior at a convention like one of the New England states?
Because its...Con etiquette....
25. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead 'possums. The stewardess looks at them and says, Im sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
26. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?
They called it the herd shot round the world.
27. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. Onewent to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The
other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
28. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
29. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying hed be back if they didnt close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
