The Grude News, the morning edition. For those just joining us...
Well, we managed to make it like at least...a while without a catastrophic meltdown since the last update. Which is a good thing considering how regularly scheduled the crazy was the past few weeks. And of course, by saying that I probably invited the crazy to roll back in. My bad in advance.
I will hand it to the Beaver, he stepped up and helped Vols in need via this forum. Most places call that a righteous dude. Bravo sir. And it spurred additional posters stepping up to help those in need. Whether or not folks think us crazy for believing in the Gruden, we are a community that will help each other without hesitation.
Though the Night Shift has been slacking as of late. Only a hundred posts or so last night after midnight. Shame on you people. And you call yourselves Grudenites... We should get Escape Goat in here to teach you all how to do it. What's that? EG is missing too? Well, this is awkward...
Speaking of awkward. The whole ESPN truck thing just didn't pan out. Even truck drivers have to have a place to spend the night, folks. Let's dial the Hardy Boys adventures back juuuuuuust a tad. There's a fine line between fun and excessive creepy bunny boiler status. Some of ya'll are straddling that line.
We got onto a Pokemon Go conversation somehow. And it got slightly odd. We'll leave it at that, but I will say someone's mod campaign should be put on hold until it's determined if he's actually joking about being over 30 and playing Pokemon Go.
Last full day for Doyle's poor, battered Grudometer. It's already put out a Craigslist ad seeking a new home and promised to upgrade its announcement music to something other than the Spice Girls when Gruden is announced. The Grudometer has suggested possibly "counseling" and time apart without an official separation.
No real updates from any of our regular info sources. DTO, Boro, SC, Beaver and Atlanta have all gone into deep silence mode. From lack of info? Maybe. I'll remain positive and say "no news is good news" for the status of the hunt.
In other news today, it was announced voice overs for the forum posting will be put on indefinite hold due to the ongoing strike of actors contracted for the positions. Actor Samuel L. Jackson was quoted as saying "Why the **** does this stupid **** keep saying ****ing asterisk when I plainly ****ing say ****?!" Sandra Bullock, voicing for SmokingBob, was released from her contract for repeating "that gaudy orange is not in my color wheel" at the end of every post. Also, Gerard Butler was puzzled by his representation of Comb and having to use his King Leonidas voice for every post of "Gruden...to...the...Hill!"
Additionally, actors were complaining of harassment by several of their online counterparts. Justin Beiber made the statement "it's hard to get everything down right when that Behr guy is pounding on your door at all hours yelling 'I just wanna be friends! We can hang out!' It's not that I don't want this gig, but I really can't take that pressure." Additionally, James Earl Jones said his lines were "too bland" and asked why he was limited to only saying "You just made the list" in his Darth Vader voice for nearly every post.
Furthermore, Chris Hemsworth walked off the set when Volly and SFD were found violating their restraining orders and were discovered hiding behind potted plants with large cheesy grins. Security escorted the pair out of the studio, but not before noting "potted plants typically don't move under their own power from place to place nor do they giggle." Negotiations were ongoing and an additional battalion of security was ordered before the cost overrides put a hold on the project.
From the entire Volnation News Team, I'm Grand Vol and I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
(All information herein is specifically parody unless otherwise indicated by real posters or events)
