New Game

#251
#251
"Bag a couple of interesting varmits for the dinner table son, and let's get down to eating some really good possums this night", said the Bammer to his oldest offspring.
 
#255
#255
"BUTT not butter you twit"

"But WHAT you jerkoff!?"

"Not BUTTER- BUTT!"

"I'll have butter if I want to you Nazi. I KNEW it. You're in league with my daughter like the rest of them!!!"

"Your daughter's a whore- and we were talking about PORK BUTT not BUTTER so either TURN ON YOUR HEARING AID YOU CHEAP BASTARD OR SHUT UP!!!!!"

Tracy smiled, made sure the old farts were just mouthing off as usual not really serious, and turned up her MP3 player. The sun was glorious. Even if all they did was bitch at each other, she could understand why all the home's residents loved coming out to sit on the south deck in the afternoon. She couldn't believe how much she used to hate this job before they hired Paul and his quote-unquote "pro-socially motivational brownies of love"....
 
#258
#258
"You have never had a sausage until you've bit into a big Bart"

As last words go those aren't bad, but I'm pretty sure that when the cab skidded out of control and took out 3 pedestrians and the guy with the hot dog cart, said guy with the hot dog cart was imagning something a little bit higher tone for his life than that particular eulogy. In fact I'd bet that he would really hope that his posthumous credits wouldn't include weinies as a significant theme...
 
#261
#261
"Can you belive it!" Buffy exclaimed. "I mean!"

Gordon nodded at the twit, pulled out a ciggarette, and pretended he was turning his back on her so he could get a light.

Sometimes the toughest part about being a cop was you couldn't shoot the witnesses.

"So," he said, finally turning around again. "Are those things real?"

 
#262
#262
Real worlds or fantasy? He could hardly tell anymore. And if he could no longer distinguish between the two, when he finally stopped roaming and settled down what would be the consequences?
 
#266
#266
"Houses of the Holy"?!

Buffy flopped back onto the bean bag chair. It was all she could do not to put her panties back on.

"You sure," she semi-whined. "I mean, 'Zep II', 'Wish You Were Here', maybe even 'Bridge of Sighs', but 'Houses of the Holy'?!

Brendan decided to compromise. "Let's compromise," he said. "You shut up and put my tape on, and I shut up and put my coke out."

"Okay, no need to get huffy," Buffy chirped, watching the little baggie and razor and and every move Brendan made along the mirror like a purebred pointer in heat , "I mean, Jesus, chill."



 
#267
#267
"Chill and serve" not only didn't translate into Chinese any better than "Coke Adds Life", but, ironically (given the roles of women in their society), actually turned out more offensive....
 
#269
#269
Battle School was no fun ever since they'd confiscated his M-80s and cache of Nair. And just when he was deciding that maybe it wasn't so uncool being shipped off to "THE" Transon Military Academy thanks to his slut-bag stepmother, too."
 
#270
#270
Too many great moments in a person's life go unnoticed for the sake of hurrying to get to the next "milestone" in life. The sum total of what we miss is a far greater treasure than all those "high points" we race to collect. We all know this, yet we never lift off of the accelerator.
 
#271
#271
"Accelerator," he said, pointing. "Clutch. Brake. Stick shift. Turn signal. (at this point his stepson Jerry started rolling his eyes) Rear view mirror. Emergency brake." Daniel put the key in the ignition. "Key, ignition, start. You got all that?"

"Yeesss, geez."

"Ok, smart boy, here's the last two steps," Daniel said. Digging in his jacket pocket, he pulled out a cassette and held it up. "Led Zeppelin. Stereo. Volume nob."

The engine and Jerry screamed simaltaneously as Daniel popped the clutch, laying 6 feet of rubber as he fish-tailed wildly away from the curb. He glanced over to see that Jerry had scrunched down in the seat with his feet up on the dash and his eyes closed in terror. With a special smirk of satisfaction only a fellow stepfather could understand he gave the volume nob another nudge and yelled, "And that, son, is how you drive....."
 
#272
#272
Drive is the great underestimated secret of the truly successful 14 year old "dweeb in love" who haunts the bottom of your driveway shortly after your daughter hits puberty.
 
#273
#273
"Puberty", as George W. Bush once remarked, "is a wonderful excuse for acting upon your hormones, but a real man can manufacture Otherness and justify killing them for practical reasons without getting all worked up."
 
#274
#274
Up until Meg Ryan spilled the beans, it wasn't the size on the fake orgasm, it was what you did with it that mattered.
 
#275
#275
"Mattered," Jim Bob said, and kind've bulled his head down.

"No, really, it wasn't like she was anybody," Cletus laughed, looking around for help.

"Mattered," Jim Bob said.

"C'mon," Cletus tried, "I mean, she wasn't exactly a virgin and anyway, boys will be boys, right?"

"Mattered," Jim Bob repeated, pulling an old fashioned sap out of his waistband and slapping it softly against his leg.

"Something you boys got to learn," Jim Bob said, giving the sap a final slap, "is that equal rights doesn't mean you're freer to beat on women, it means folks like me are freer to kick your ass- functionally speakin'".


 
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