jokes...

#1
allvolinky

allvolinky

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#1
What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a yankee"
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it is worth it...

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough boy bends over?
Doughnuts..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever....(sorry LLO)...

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities....

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
about 45 lbs...

Whats the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
about 45 minutes...

Whats the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife...

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism...

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends...

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you....

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls....

Whats the difference between a porcupine and Mercedes Benz?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside...

What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine....

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you....

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA...

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes....

Why do drivers' education classes in Alabama schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex ed class uses it....

What's a Jewish mother say when she wants a light bulb changed?
I suppose I'll just have to sit here in the dark!!!

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with...."a recipe".....

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo".....

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time"....while a southern fairytale begins "Y'all aint gonna believe this sh#t.....

 
#2
#2
:eek:lol: For some odd reason, the bunnies and cottonballs got me the best!
 
#5
#5
What's the only good time for Mexicans?
Taco Time

What do you call a Mexican that falls of a five story roof?
Who cares?

How did Mexicans get refried beans?
Because they can't do anything right the first time

Yeah... Big Mexican population around here means lots of Mexican jokes.
 
#6
#6
Really? A lot of Mexicans in Oregon? I have been through Oregon, but most of my trip was along highway 1.
 
#7
#7
Do you mean 101? I think you're talking about the P.C. Highway coming from California, but that changes at some point in the south... Turns into 99 or 101, I think.
 
#8
#8
Yeah, that is the one. I could have sworn that it was highway 1, but yes the P.C. highway. We started that up in the rain forest of Washington and worked our way down to Cali. Great drive!
 
#9
#9
You're probably thinking of the rain forests in Puget Sound... Did you go through Astoria? I love going there.
 
#10
#10
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a Lethbridge, Alberta bar. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly Observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Canadian. "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

 
#11
#11
Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
 
#12
#12
:lol:

That doesn't sound like a joke you would tell. B)
 
#13
#13
Got this in an e-mail.....


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

 
#14
#14
Originally posted by vol_freak@Jan 9, 2005 12:04 AM
:lol:

That doesn't sound like a joke you would tell. B)
Click to expand...

I didn't mean to. I copied and pasted the wrong thing from my e-mail.

:(
 
#15
#15
Originally posted by LadyinOrange@Jan 9, 2005 1:04 AM
Got this in an e-mail.....


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
Click to expand...

:eek:lol: :eek:lol: :dlol: :dlol:
 
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