Jokes of the Day!

#1
TennesseeT

TennesseeT

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#1
The Commercial Appeal

From the Tiger side:

One day in an elementary school in Knoxville, a teacher asks her class if the Tennessee Volunteers are their favorite basketball team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite basketball team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Memphis Tigers"

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Tiger fan, my mom is a Tiger fan, I guess that makes me a Tiger fan."

The teacher, angered by his reply, says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Tennessee fan."

-- Camoz71

From the Vol side:

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Tiger High joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6 feet tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Memphis grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6-2, weighs 225, and he's a Memphis grad. And the fella next to him is 6-5, weighs 250, and he's a Memphis grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

-- Red_Rebels
 
#3
#3
Pretty old jokes, funny the first time. Teams can be interchanged with any school...
 
#5
#5
How are a Memphis Tiger and a poodle alike? They're both cute when mad and their bark is worse than their bite.
 
#6
#6
A story I heard...

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
 
#8
#8
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.

Spelling errors have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre dyrea direathe the *****.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Marya nn was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
 
#9
#9
THE LOVE DRESS......................


A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.


"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for
her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, he said."What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.........
 
#11
#11
These two did make me laugh out loud:


11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre dyrea direathe the *****.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
 
#12
#12
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about tha t and see if it makes sense.'

So the l ittle boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.



Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'


The father says, 'Good , son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'


The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap.
 
#14
#14
I'm in trouble with the wife again. I came across an article called Being the King of Your Domain. After reading it, I announced to her from now on things were going to be done my way! She was to fix me a gourmet dinner, pour me a good brandy, draw my bath and bathe me. She was to then give me a massage and then fulfill my every want in bed. She replied, "is that a fact"?, to which I said yes it is. As a matter of fact, guess who is going to clean me up and dress me in the morning? She said "oh I know who is going to do that"! Thinking this was going quite well, I said good, now who will that be?

She said, "the fricking undertaker"!
 
#16
#16
Ladder to Success

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. Hed walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldnt believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 68" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "Im Cess."
 
#17
#17
Two rednecks were out hunting one day when they came across a huge hole in the ground. It was several feet across and when the two looked down into it, it was so deep they couldn't see the bottom.
They were amazed and one said to the other:"I wonder just how deep that there hole is."
The second one said: " There's only one way to even get an clue about how deep it is. Let's find something heavy, drop it in and listen for it to hit the bottom. That way we can get a rough idea, anyways."
They looked all around and finally spotted an old rusted up automatic transmission lying in some high weeds nearby. They wrestled it over to the edge of the hole, sweating all the way, and rolled it over the side into the hole.
As they stood there listening, they heard a commotion in the bushes. They turned to look and out of the bushes came a big old billy goat running at top speed. The goat ran right up to the hole and dived in head first without breaking stride.
The two stood with their mouths open in shock. About this time an old farmer stepped out of the woods and asked: "Say, did either one of you fellers happen to see my goat around here anywhere?"
One of the hunters replied: " It just so happens one came running out of them bushes over there about a hunert mile a hour and dove right into this here hole."
The farmer said: "Aw c'mon now. There aint no way that's possible. I had him chained to an old transmission."
 
#18
#18
There was a lady whose 20 something son informed her he had just got someone to share an apartment, and not to be concerned it was a female. He assured his mom the relationship was economically motivated and they were just friends. Mom informed him in a not convinced voice she was coming to vist to meet her.

While there the girl cooked her best dinner which included gravy. The mom said several times how nice the gravy ladel was. Mom left leaving the impression she had been convinced all was as she had been told.

Shortly after mom left, the girl noticed the gravy ladel was missing, and accused the son's mother of taking it. He immediately called his mom and said "we're not saying you took it, but do you know where the ladel is?" Mom replied, "I'm not saying you two are sleeping together, but if your friend were sleeping in her own bed, she would know where the ladel is.
 
#19
#19
Toilet Cleaning Instructions [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]: [/FONT]

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'. [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids. [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off. [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
Sincerely, [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][/FONT]
The Dog
 
#20
#20
volwindy said:
Toilet Cleaning Instructions [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]: [/FONT]

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Click to expand...
That was hilarious
 
#21
#21
Guy sees a hot chick sitting at the bar and decides he is going to talk to her. After a few minutes of get-to-know-you talk, the guy says "I sure would like a little p@!#y". She said "Me too, mine's as big as a hat".
 
#22
#22
kev20 said:
Guy sees a hot chick sitting at the bar and decides he is going to talk to her. After a few minutes of get-to-know-you talk, the guy says "I sure would like a little p@!#y". She said "Me too, mine's as big as a hat".
Click to expand...
Walk away:eek:hmy:
 
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