MikeDVol
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Name your favorite stand-up comedian with some jokes.
Mine is Mitch Hedberg.
-This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."
-I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
-I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place?... Do you keep my documents in order?... Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan ****ing lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' ****."
-I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it"
-Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
-They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, theres more to it than that. Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man? . . . Not until you figure out what the **** else is in it!
-I like the FedEx guy, cause hes a drug dealer and he dont even know it! And hes always on time.
-"My friend offered me a frozen banana. I said, "No. But I want a regular banana later." so yeeeaah
-I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, I say something, and he doesn't hear me, he says "what?", so I say say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says "What?", but really it's just some insignificant **** that I'm sayin', but now I'm yellin' "That tree is far away!!"
-I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said, "Please try again," because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
-Me and my friends did acid in the woods, cause there was much less chance of running into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. And that is way more of a buzz kill. One of my friends was raising his right hand and swearing to prevent forest fires. Later, he came up to me and said, Mitchell. Smokey is way more intense in person.
Mine is Mitch Hedberg.
-This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."
-I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
-I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place?... Do you keep my documents in order?... Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan ****ing lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' ****."
-I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it"
-Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
-They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, theres more to it than that. Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man? . . . Not until you figure out what the **** else is in it!
-I like the FedEx guy, cause hes a drug dealer and he dont even know it! And hes always on time.
-"My friend offered me a frozen banana. I said, "No. But I want a regular banana later." so yeeeaah
-I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, I say something, and he doesn't hear me, he says "what?", so I say say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says "What?", but really it's just some insignificant **** that I'm sayin', but now I'm yellin' "That tree is far away!!"
-I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said, "Please try again," because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
-Me and my friends did acid in the woods, cause there was much less chance of running into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. And that is way more of a buzz kill. One of my friends was raising his right hand and swearing to prevent forest fires. Later, he came up to me and said, Mitchell. Smokey is way more intense in person.
