Bad jokes. Dad jokes and whatnot

#254
#254
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.
He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you
know, there are 1 50 men here on the post & no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we have Molly The Camel".

The Captain says, "I can't say I condone this, but I Understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the
sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and
has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the sergeant, "So is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir....they usually just ride the camel into town where the women are.​
 
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#256
#256
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop. He then got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he said, “You may come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, replied, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, the first poor fellow turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”



C'mon, did you really think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story?
 
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#260
#260
Blonde: Doc, what's wrong with me?! When I touch my arm, it hurts. When I touch my head or neck, it hurts. When I touch my legs, and chest it hurts.

Doc: Your finger is broken.
 
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#262
#262
Why did the Easter Bunny hide the eggs?

So no one would know he was ****ing the chickens.
 
#263
#263
54278430_618897631883728_3708436602029080576_n.jpg
 
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#269
#269
MICHIGAN MILK

The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Baldwin , Michigan , for $2,000.00. They bought the cow from Michigan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Michigan ?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Michigan ?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Michigan ."
 
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