Bad jokes. Dad jokes and whatnot

#301
#301
A cop pulls over a couple on the way home from the movies.

Cop: I pulled you over because you have a headlight out

Man: I wasn't aware of that. I'll fix it tomorrow.

Wife: honey, I told you about it last week

Cop: sir, your tags are also expired.

Man: I didn't know that. I'll fix that tomorrow too

Wife: honey, I told you about this last week as well.

Man: honey, shut up!
Cop, talking to the wife: mam, does he always talk to you like that?

Wife: no officer, only when he's drunk
 
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#303
#303
Travelling salesman knocked on a door and a Ten year old boy opened it. He had no shirt on, a beer in one hand, the TV remote control in the other and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

The salesman said "Um, excuse me son, is your Mom here? "

Little boy took the cigarette out of his mouth and flicked the ashes, took a swig of the beer and said "tha fawk you think? "
 
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#309
#309
Man walked into a bar and flung a gator up on the counter. Took out a baseball bat and cracked the gator in the head and it opened it's mouth. Man stuck his D*** in the gators mouth, hit him again and the gator closed his mouth. He looked around the bar and said "any of you tough guys wanna try this?" A queer over in the corner spoke up "I will if you don't hit me so hard with that baseball bat."
 
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#310
#310
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.


The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.


At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. ‘All this was just too wonderful for words,’ he said, ‘But what's the dollar for?’


‘Well,’ she said, ‘Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.’
 
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#311
#311
A dad walks into a market with his young son.The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," she says, "Divorce attorney."
 
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#314
#314
Bob received a text message from his neighbor - Bob, I must confess something that has been weighing on my mind for some time. I've been helping myself to your wife. Morning, noon, and night, when you're not home. I feel terribly guilty about this. I am so sorry. I've stopped and will not do this, again. I hope you can forgive me.

Bob was stunned...
 
#316
#316
Seems like there was another layer of that joke like Bob killed himself or his wife or something before the second email. 🤷🏻‍♂️
 
#323
#323
Y’all keep this going I’ve enjoyed the thread so much. The Jonah joke I’ve told to everybody
 
#325
#325
There was was a lad from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds
Great tufts of grass
Grew forth from his a**
And his b*lls were covered in weeds
 
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