Bad jokes. Dad jokes and whatnot

#76
#76
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is notoriously perfect for the child.
2) It passes mothers immunity against diseases to the child.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and they are high enough off the floor where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
 
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#77
#77
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wanna' you lissina me. I wanna' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say, 'Times up!!!' ?"
 
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#78
#78
mathpics-mathjoke-mathmeme-pic-joke-math-meme-haha-funny-humor-pun-lol-cookiemonster-cookie.jpg
 
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#86
#86
An elderly lady gets on the bus and sits next to the window, holding a bag of sundries in her lap. It's a hot day, and the windows are open. Making a turn, the bus bumps over a curb. The woman's bottle of aspirin pops out of the bag and out the window. She exclaims, "My asburns! My asburns!" An irritable man a couple of rows in front of her turns around and barks, "Well, stick it out the window, lady, and cool it off!"
 
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#87
#87
Ole's wife Lena had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
Ole took her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said. 'Hey, Ole! You just had you a son!'
'Ain't dat grand, !!' Ole got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter, !!!!
She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you just had yourself another boy !'
Ole said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Ole, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Ole said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Ole and Lena went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Ole said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a damned good ting we didn't use WD-40!
 
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#88
#88
Old farmer owened a chicken farm. He had so many hens that his roosters couldn't keep them all bred so he decided to buy more.

Went to his neighbor's house and asked to buy a dozen more roosters off him. His neighbor said he only had one for sale, Brewster the rooster .

"One? One won't keep all my hens bred."

"Brewster ain't your normal rooster, he will do just fine." His neighbor replied.

So the farmer bought Brewster and took him home and threw him in with the hens.
Immediately Brewster went to work. He would grab a hen, breed her, toss her aside and grab another. It was non stop. Hens cackling and screaming , feathers flying, it was quite the scene.

The old farmer was amazed. He just shook his head and tood Brewster, "you keep that up and your gonna kill yourself."

Next morning the famer woke up and heard his sheep raising cain. Baa'ing and bleeting, pounding hooves. He rushed outside thinking a coyote was after them. Instead he found old Brewster flying all over the pen. He would breed a sheep, and then fly off to the next. Did this all day.

The old farmer just shook his head and said "Brewster, you keep this up and your gonna kill yourself."

This was repeated every day with the horses, pigs, and the cows. Brewster didn't care what it was, it he could catch it, it was getting screwed.

One morning the farmer woke up and it was eerily quiet. No chickens cackling, no sheep baa'ing, no screams of terror from the horses.

The farmer walked outside and there was old Brewster laying on the ground, buzzards slowly circling his limp, prostrate body

The old farmer sadly said, " I told you Brewster that if you kept that up it was gonna kill you."

Brewster cracked an eye open, and whispered "Ssshhhh, they're about to land. "
 
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#98
#98
Jesus and Moses were watching a golf tournament and Jesus said we should try that. So the next day they went to Augusta and started playing. They came to a hole with a water hazard in front of it and Jesus hit his iron into the lake. He asked Moses for another ball and Moses said maybe you should try an 8 iron to which Jesus said Jack Nicklaus used a 9 iron so I’m gonna use a 9 iron. He then hit the next ball into the lake and asked for another ball and Moses said we don’t have any more balls. So Jesus decided to go down to the lake to retrieve the balls he shot into the lake. Another group of golfers came up to play the hole, saw Jesus walking on the water looking for the balls and exclaimed who does he think he is Jesus Christ to which Moses replied “no, he thinks he’s Jack Nicklaus”.
 
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