SavageOrangeJug
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As of January 20, when President Obama is officially sworn into office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:
1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a fair shake.
2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are too busy for overtime to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can participate in working extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as the government. We will not participate in this pooling experience because the law doesnt apply to us.
4. The government will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard for the good of all.
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because its good to spread the wealth. Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more patriotic.
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. You dont need to feel badly because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and hell let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you cant pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flatscreen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldnt all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?)
7. All guns will be collected on Fridays in March. Vacation days will not be allowed for deer hunting since the season has now been canceled,however, you may use vacation days to protest the horrific conditions that endanger our beloved Caribou. Or to feed a duck.
8. Beginning in January, we will be taking up donations for various disenfranchised groups: Mondays will be a collection for auto workers; Tuesdays, bank workers; Wednesdays, collections for California; Thursdays, people whove overspent their Visa Cards; and Fridays, Nancy Pelosis private plane rides.
If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you have one recourse: Think before you vote next time.
1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a fair shake.
2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are too busy for overtime to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can participate in working extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as the government. We will not participate in this pooling experience because the law doesnt apply to us.
4. The government will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard for the good of all.
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because its good to spread the wealth. Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more patriotic.
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. You dont need to feel badly because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and hell let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you cant pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flatscreen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldnt all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?)
7. All guns will be collected on Fridays in March. Vacation days will not be allowed for deer hunting since the season has now been canceled,however, you may use vacation days to protest the horrific conditions that endanger our beloved Caribou. Or to feed a duck.
8. Beginning in January, we will be taking up donations for various disenfranchised groups: Mondays will be a collection for auto workers; Tuesdays, bank workers; Wednesdays, collections for California; Thursdays, people whove overspent their Visa Cards; and Fridays, Nancy Pelosis private plane rides.
If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you have one recourse: Think before you vote next time.
