A Joke

[The Dude]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Pearls came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Donovan that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Donovans and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Donovans the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Donovans pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Pearls, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

 

[The Dude]

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.

"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."

"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."

"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."

"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."

"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.

"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."

"Oh, no, I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

 

[Chad003]

The first one was pretty funny.

 

[The Dude]

What do a Mississippi tornado and a Alabama divorce have in common?





Someone is going to lose a trailer.

 

[All Vol!]

3 couples who attend Catholic church each decided they wanted to become members of the church. So one Sunday after mass, the 3 couples went to speak with the priest about their intentions. The priest congratulated all 3 couples on their to desire to be members of the church and took all of them into his office.

"I feel it is necessary to let each of you know that the Catholic church does have certain benchmarks that must be achieved before membership in the church can be granted. I'll mention this one first because it does tend to give some couples hesitation. There is a month-long period of celebacy required as part of a purification process before membership in the church can be granted. Now let me caution you..on this point, we are very strict."The couples looked uneasily at each other. The priest explained the other requirements, then sent the couples home, telling them to return in a month.

After a month, the 3 couples returned. The priest took them into his office, one couple at a time.

To the first couple, he said, "Well, how did it go for you two?" The husband spoke up proudly. "Very well, Father. You see, my wife and I have been married for over 20 years. I guess you could say we're not intimate as often as newlyweds by any means, so this was not too tough for us. There was a temptation or two, but we've wanted membership in the church for a long time, so we stayed focused and made it through the entire month!" "Excellent!" said the priest. After confirming they'd met the other requirements, he said, "Congratulations, and welcome to the Catholic church!"

He took the 2nd couple into his office. "And how did it go for you two?" Again, the husband spoke up. "Well, Father...it was tough. Even though my wife and I have been married for almost 5 years, we're still accustomed to being intimate at least a few times a week. The first couple weeks weren't too tough, but near the end, we almost gave in to temptation. Glory be to God, though, we were very determined. We tightened our belts and made it through!" "Outstanding!" exclaimed the priest. "Congratulations, and welcome to the Catholic church!"

He then took the 3rd couple into his office. "Well, we've taken in 2 couples as members already today; how did it go for you two?" The husband looked regretfully at his wife, then said, "Well...not too good, Father." "Oh?" inquired the priest. "Yes, well...you see, Father, my wife and I had only been married a few weeks when we started this. We've been accustomed to being intimate very frequently, sometimes several times a day! The first week wasn't too bad; I mean, we wanted to become members very much. But the second week got real tough, and the third week just got tougher. Then somewhere there in the 4th week, we were having breakfast one morning, and my wife dropped a biscuit on the floor. She bent over to pick it up, and I just couldn't help myself! It was over right then and there! We're sorry Father." The priest sadly broke the news. "Well, I'm awfully sorry to tell you both this, but...I'm afraid you're not welcome in the Catholic church." The husband said, "Well, I guess that's alright; we're not welcome at Shoney's anymore either."

 

[The Dude]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."