1) ESPN will be out to get you.
ESPN hates you.
And more importantly, ESPN hates your team.
ESPN will go to any length to diss your team. Any length. You know that LSU coozie you used to have but can’t seem to find? ESPN took it. Because ESPN hates LSU. That is, if LSU is your team.
It doesn't matter who you pull for.
Whoever your favorite team is, ESPN hates it. ESPN hates anything you love, and loves anything you hate.
ESPN hates your dad. Unless you hate your dad. In which case ESPN loves your dad.
If you love bread, ESPN is 'anti-sandwich.' If you hate end-pieces, ESPN will run a special about end pieces. Mark May will hold up two hard, crusty-ass end pieces and hype the sh#t out of them all year long. Bob Ley will run a special called ‘Outside The Loaf.’ Ivan Maisel will write a column with a pun-filled headline like 'The piece to the end puzzle' and mind-force you to read it and then email him in anger about it.
If you were for the Union, ESPN was for the Confederacy.
If you had a Sega Genesis, ESPN had a Super Nintendo. If you had a Super Nintendo, ESPN had Sega Genesis.
If you liked like Tombstone, ESPN liked Wyatt Earp.
If you preferred Use Your Illusion I, ESPN preferred Use Your Illusion II.
If you pulled for Dan, ESPN pulled for Dave.
If you think OJ is guilty, ESPN is black.
ESPN hates everything you stand for. Unless you stand for something else. Then ESPN hates that too.
