The Joke Thread

#51
#51
Why is the alabama state flag a white background with a big X on it?











That's how most residents sign their name.
 
#53
#53
A Boy at age six is shipwrecked and washed up on a uninhabited island, and there is fresh water, he learns how to catch fish and digs a lot of clams. Twenty years pass, and he is walking along the surf naked when he sees a beautiful girl of twenty washed up on the beach. She is struck by his large seemingly permanent erection. She asks what do you do for food, and he tells her he fishes and digs lots of clams. Then she asks what do you do for sex? He asks what is sex? And she proceeds to show him, afterwards she asks how he liked it. He says it was fine, but look what you did to my clam digger.
 
#54
#54
Three guys die and go to heaven. They are standing at the pearly gates, and st. peter comes up and explains that he needs to know how loyal to their wives they were so they would know what kind of car to give them to get around in. The first guy goes well i cheated on my wife 3 or 4 times, but thats it. He goes in, and a kia is waiting on him. The second guy goes and says well i cheated on my wife once, we were very young, and i made a mistake, i told her about it and we worked it out, and it never happened again. He walks in and a lexus is waiting on him. The third guy walks up and with a smile on his face he says he never cheated on his wife the entire time they were together. He walks in and a porsche is waiting on him. Well later on the first and second guy are walking and they see the third guy crying, and they are like why are you crying, you got a porsche, he was like yah, i just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
 
#55
#55
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''
 
#57
#57
Behr1213 said:
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''
Click to expand...


If it were a contest, and its not, I think this would be in first place right now.
 
#58
#58
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from New York.

Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the he!! is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out.. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano.. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap- faced
from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke wind-four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally and
thatdamn golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone. Oh no, the damn dog ate some of that stuff.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a smoldering substance
that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button is sticking out
so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing-it's too
painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh great!! Now the dog is
doing butt-scoots across the grass he's in so much pain.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?
 
#60
#60
Behr1213 said:
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''
Click to expand...

:lolabove:
 
#61
#61
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed And the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably Wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 
#62
#62
OrangeEmpire said:
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from New York.
...
Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?
Click to expand...

:lolabove: This one got me with every taste!
:post-4-1090547912::post-4-1090547912::post-4-1090547912:
 
Last edited:
#64
#64
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Everytime time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife finally decided she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night in the middle of hot, screaming wild sex, she got up and turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device.....a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than his real one.

She went completely nuts, screaming "YOU IMPOTENT BASTAGE!" She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly; "I'll explain the toy.....you explain the kids."
 
#65
#65
Behr1213 said:
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Everytime time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife finally decided she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night in the middle of hot, screaming wild sex, she got up and turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device.....a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than his real one.

She went completely nuts, screaming "YOU IMPOTENT BASTAGE!" She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly; "I'll explain the toy.....you explain the kids."
Click to expand...

"Roll that beautiful bean footage."
 
#68
#68
One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
 
#69
#69
Me and my buddies Bubba and Moe were driving down a street when Bubba saw a gas station with a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-up". Stop here!! Bubba yelled, so I did, and we got a tank of gas. The guy says thank you and starts walking away, so Bubba yells what about the free sex? The guy says well you have to name the correct number between 1 and 10. Bubba guesses three, and the guy says sorry it is nine. I think this is a scam says Bubba. Moe says no it is legit, my wife has won twice.
 
#70
#70
rbroyles said:
Me and my buddies Bubba and Moe were driving down a street when Bubba saw a gas station with a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-up". Stop here!! Bubba yelled, so I did, and we got a tank of gas. The guy says thank you and starts walking away, so Bubba yells what about the free sex? The guy says well you have to name the correct number between 1 and 10. Bubba guesses three, and the guy says sorry it is nine. I think this is a scam says Bubba. Moe says no it is legit, my wife has won twice.
Click to expand...

:lolabove: :eek:lol:
And no more jokes? Come on people! :clapping:
 
#71
#71
A state trooper pulls a guy over for speeding. Guy rolls the window down and swats at the troopers head. The trooper pulls back and says "Sir, are you trying to hit me?" To which the man replies, "No sir, I'm just swatting the circle flies around your head".

"What are circle flies?" the trooper asks.

"They are the flies that like to fly around a horses ass", the man states.

The trooper taking offense says,"Boy, are you calling me a horses ass?"

The man says, "No sir, I would never do that in a million years.....but it is awfully hard to fool a circle fly."
 
#72
#72
rbroyles said:
Me and my buddies Bubba and Moe were driving down a street when Bubba saw a gas station with a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-up". Stop here!! Bubba yelled, so I did, and we got a tank of gas. The guy says thank you and starts walking away, so Bubba yells what about the free sex? The guy says well you have to name the correct number between 1 and 10. Bubba guesses three, and the guy says sorry it is nine. I think this is a scam says Bubba. Moe says no it is legit, my wife has won twice.
Click to expand...
Lewis Grizzard was one of my favorite all time comedians. I love this one and the one where Bubba and Earl were watching a Georgia game when Uga was sitting on the sidelines licking himself. Earl said to Bubba, "Bubba, I sure wish I could do that!" And Bubba issued one of my favorite all time lines..."Earl...that dog 'ud bite you!"
 
#73
#73
One day a farmer wakes up to find his favorite horse laying on the ground, obviously in pain. The farmer, being very concerned, goes to the vet to see what can be done.

He explains the problem to the vet. After hearing the farmers explanation, the vet gives the farmer a pill and instructions for its use.

The farmer returns home and walks outside. He circles the horse several times and walks inside the house and places the pill on the table.

The farmers wife, noticing some frustration on her husbands face,asks what the vet told him.

The farmer, grabing the pill, walks outside and circles the horse several times again, becoming more frustrated as he enters the house again.

The farmer again lays the pill down on the table.

The wife, even more concerned about her husbands behavior, asks him once more what the vet told him.

"You want to know what he told me" the farmer said angrily

"He told me to put the pill in the horses rectum. So if I go out there one more time and I dont find that rectum, I'm just gonna shove it up his ass"
 
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