Well, I'd like to provide a detailed and exhaustive response to the OP, but before I begin, I just have to say: if you have a short attention span, or just get bored of walls of text, this response may not be right for you. So if that's the case, feel free to pass right on by with a tl;dr. I won't fault you for it, not at all. See, I never even read the OP myself. It was just too long and rambling.
So with that said, here's why I think the OP is incorrect, even though I didn't read it. First, hooters! I mean, how can anyone not like a guy who is the spokesperson for a restaurant chain whose entire marketing strategy begins and ends with finding waitresses who are well endowed and attractive, dressing them in tight, low-cut t-shirts, and tight, short-short shorts, and have them serve beer and wings to guys watching football on television! And hey, what colors are those the girls are wearing? Oh yeah, orange and white. What are the chances that's just a coincidence? Zero, that's what! Chucky created the Hooters brand in 1902 with the Tennesee Volunteers (and nice-looking girls with big breasts) firmly in mind, right after he invented the chicken wing.
So he has that going for him. And the next thing he has going for him is his Super Bowl ring. I mean, think about this: who other than an awesome great and terrible master practitioner of the sport of football could get his team to the Super Bowl, leave that team, take over another team, and then beat the hell out of his old team with his new team? Huh? Who does that but a mad genius of the sport? Chucky does, that's who, and he is simply the cat's meow for that reason alone.
Then there's the question of him being a ginger. I've always thought he had blond hair, myself, but there are no end of people who say he should be counted among the red-heads of the world. Okay, say I, whatever you want, I'm not here to argue about hair color. So therefore, as a ginger, Jon is in the same league as Ginger from Gilligan's Island, and Bozo the Clown, and Lucille Ball...Prince Harry! Oh, and Jessica Rabbit, and the entire Weasly family. So, I mean, if you think about it, that is one heckuva lot of Awesome right there to be able to tap into.
Any list of Jon Gruden's great accomplishments and utter-complete suitability to serve as Tennessee's next head coach has to include his wife, Cindy. I mean, right? Cheerleader, duh. So how many of us actually got to marry the cheerleader? Half of you who just raised you hands, you're lying! Put em down! Yeah, okay, so look around; how many hands do you see raised? Right? Proof. Jon Gruden is just that attractive to, well, Cindy. And all of us.
Do you know where Jon Gruden lives today? Well, I do. He lives in Tampa. Tampa, Florida, which if you draw a line in the direction of excellence (which means straght up!, which on a map everyone knows straight up is North, yes North) if you draw a line straight up from Tampa, precisely due north, it runs right into...what's that? Yep! Neyland Stadium! Absolutely 100% due north of Jon Gruden's house in Tampa, Florida. It's the entire reason he lives there. Don't bother to check this on maps yourself, I've done it for you, and I would absolutely not make this up or lie to you the way Donald Trump is now claiming it's not really his voice on the "grab them by the p****" tape. You can't make this up, right?
Before I conclude my holistic appraisal of the merits of Jon "the Beast of Barbary" Gruden, I'd just like to tip my hat to both of you who read this far into this massive jumble of random words. It takes a special kind of crazy to follow along with crazy, and boy, you sure are nuts. My hat is off to you, though I'm not wearing a hat, I meant that to say that I respect you in a complete you are an utter goofball kind of way. So thanks for following along. I'd love to have a way for you to pay me some kind of tip for all these times I've had to mash a button on the keyboard, but I can't think of one short of paypal, and that's just too much damn work to set up.
So in conclusion, Jon Gruden. There it is. The man, the myth, the legend who appears on television every Monday night for the game we love called football. That's gotta qualify him for something, plus he's awesome. And if we do end up decidiing to hire him, and by we I really at this point mean Phil The Man Fulmer who has always had Tennessee's best interests at heart the man is a Hall of Fame legend and an ongoing irritant to Bama fans everywhere, if Phillip Fulmer selects Jon Gruden for president I mean for head coach of the Vols, you mark my words, we are going to the Super Bowl.
I don't know if this is long enough yet, so I'm just going to keep typing. Probably one more paragraph. I thought I was done in the last paragraph, that's why I made such a big deal of it and put in so many flourishes, but I'm worried it might not quite be long enough to counterbalance that pile of dog poo in the original post of the thread, so I'm adding this paragraph as well. This is the Jerry Seinfeld paragraph, I guess, because it's not really about anything, it's just here to be here, and, you know, take up space, and you know what helps take up space is commas, which is why I've used about twelve of them just in this once sentence,. Anyway, I think if I add any more to this paragraph it may be at risk of actually being about something, so I'm going to end it now.
And start this one. See, I figure if you're going to be sure of having your text be long enough, you really don't want to fall anywhere short of excellence. So why not more? Most of my fingertips are not bloody yet, though a few of them are getting really tender. You know what Jon Gruden says? Man up! At least, I think he probably said that somewhere in his life to this point, so I'm not going to let any sore fingertips slow me down, not too much, I mean honest confessions time I did go get a cup of coffee back there right after the Gingers paragraph, and that slowed me down a little, but for the most part I am still running just as strong and fast as I did at the beginning of this ... well, whatever this has become.
In final conclusion (and yes, I really mean it this time), I'd just like to say that I have nothing against DeusExMachina I'm sure he's a fine fellow, I mean he's from Joplin Missouri, which I've never actually been to or know anything about, but it rhymes with Janis Joplin, who was a pretty darn good singer before she killed herself. So I do appreciate DeusExMachina, and this diatribe is really as much a testament to him as it is anything else, but don't disrespect Jon M.F. Gruden or this is the hell you unleash.
