As an "objective" source of morality, the Bible falls at almost the bottom of the pile.  At the very least, the OT is about as bad as it gets.
The problem with your sarcasm here is you are failing to recognize just how many people do read this texts literally, or even selectively literally.  Sure, we can ignore texts on how to beat your kids in Leviticus...we can even explain it away by saying it was appropriate for the time, or it is allegory, or it doesn't apply now...or whatever.  There are good parts of the Bible to stand up, absolutely.  And there are parts that any decent person would ignore.  But in doing so, one is only taking into account modern normalities on human rights and other areas of discourse that are contrary to what is written and believed as God's word.  Every advance in science, every 21st century view on human rights...now must be wrestled with.  I don't expect you or anybody else to actually admit that these 21st century views have nothing to do with God and they are contrary to the Bible, yet, here we are trying to make the two compatible.
There are some countries in the Islamic world that are Exhibit A on what happens when society doesn't force a check on barbaric beliefs.  Lets not sit here a pretend that if stoning a girl that is not a virgin on her wedding night was normally accepted in today's society it would not happen because there is a sophisticated reading of Leviticus or philosophical moral reason that wouldn't allow it. 
I'm sorry, but that is the simple truth.  And round about discourse on objective morality and I can't say its wrong and whatever else...is just smoke screen because you don't want to admit it....or you really and truly can't see it.