Trust and Spouses

#51
#51
YorkVol said:
Not going to answer the questions as I think the answers are obvious. Just want to point out those relationships aren't your responsibility to fix. May save you some headaches if you just let them handle their own issues.
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Probably the best advice here. Thanks
 
#52
#52
Carl Pickens said:
Sounds like husband 4 isn't the kind of guy you'd want to be friends with..... the idea of hitting on another "friend''s" wife is disgusting to me..... even if they are just casual or fringe type friends. I'd keep an eye on that one.
I know what you mean about husband 1..... If you feel compelled to tell him I think the best way might be to do it anonymously. Do you know who the guy is she's cheating with?

I don't really hide anything from my wife, but there are things I don't go out of my way to tell her. If she questions me I'll tell her the truth.
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It's husband 2 whose wife is cheating. Husband 1 is the one whose wife just keeps weird secrets from him.

I told a good friend from college i caught his fiance cheating (she was roommates with my now wife). That was not a good day. I'm pretty much looking for any excuse to not have to do that again.
 
#53
#53
n_huffhines said:
It's husband 2 whose wife is cheating. Husband 1 is the one whose wife just keeps weird secrets from him.

I told a good friend from college i caught his fiance cheating (she was roommates with my now wife). That was not a good day. I'm pretty much looking for any excuse to not have to do that again.
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I realized that' after rereading....I caught a good friend's fiancé once as well.... not a good 12 hours and all.
Ran into her on a Friday night .....with the guy after watching her for a few minutes my wife tapped her on the shoulder and said "hi".... just to let her know we saw her.... extremely hung over the next morning .... I went to his house and told him. He asked me to go with him to her apartment..... right as we pulled up to park..... her and her guy were pulling in from being out all night..... they took off and my buddy went nuts.... chased the through the complex and was yelling " I'm gonna ram that MF"..... I'm so hungover it was horrible .... im telling him to be cool... because he was out of control ... I was telling him he'll pull over just be cool.... he finally stopped..... keep in mind this is about 7:00 a.m...... my buddy jumps out and runs up to the guy's car and starts pummeling him through the window. .... I let him get his punches in and then pulled him back....i never will forget the feeling of the hangover coupled with the adrenaline rush and his rage driven driving
 
#54
#54
InVOLuntary said:
Rationalize it? Haha. It's not that it's hidden. It's just money that I have full discretion over. My wife and I have a great relationship. I think whatever I'm doing, I'll keep doing because it's worked for almost 30 years. I think it's very healthy for married couples to have a little bit of a private portion of their lives.
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I find honesty completely healthy. So if she knew of it, you would then not have full discretion over it? Seems like a great arrangement concerning trust and money.
 
#55
#55
GAVol said:
I wouldn't say It's the same, but it definitely isn't a healthy thing to do If you're hiding anything resembling a significant amount of money.
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Yep, infidelity and money are the two leading causes of divorce... not sure in which order, though.
 
#56
#56
allvol123 said:
I find honesty completely healthy. So if she knew of it, you would then not have full discretion over it? Seems like a great arrangement concerning trust and money.
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She knows I have an account at another bank. She doesn't know how much money I have in it. It's an account I have had since before we were married. I suppose she could open up the monthly statement each month but she never has. I guess she has trust that I'm not doing anything excessive or stupid. She honestly doesn't care.
 
#57
#57
n_huffhines said:
I'm wondering what is normal behavior? I have a few questions and then the drama is below if you want context for why I'm asking:

Would you be concerned if your wife and her friends spent a good deal of their time *****ing about you or is that just what wives do?

Do you keep things from your spouse? What kind of things and why?

Do you check your spouse's phone, either secretly or with them knowing?

Context:
My wife and I have friends that we are concerned about. The wives in the group are always *****ing about their husbands and my wife doesn't really like to hang out with them unless the guys are around because of it.

Couple 1 are our best friends in the group.

Wife 2 is pretty much cheating on her husband and I guess he is moving out. Wife 1 told my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband? Why not?

Wife 3 is pretty unhappy with her husband. Not sure if it's gossip getting blown out of proportion or if they are actually in trouble. Wife 1 tells my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband.

Husband 4 is a cheater and all the wives hate him for it, despite the fact that they are all hiding that wife 2 is cheating. He even hit on wife 1. Another thing I'm not supposed to know about and her husband doesn't know.

I think couple 1 and couple 3 can be saved but I feel like we need to get them away from the group. Maybe I'm just over-reacting because it's not how our relationship works and those 2 are just fine?
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Brother this sounds like a tangled up mess. I have always held that there is so much unavoidable BS in this world, there is no way I will engage or entertain any avoidable, unnecessary drama.

Keep life simple, relationships should be approached like caring for a garden. Do not allow anything that can negatively impact the end goal of a healthy relationship with a love one. Whether it is a personal habit, allowing the wrong people to be a bad influence (friends, associates) or distractions from what is the most important things in life.

I would "pop smoke" and back off from the entire group until the dust settles. I would hope my wife would feel the same to avoid this unneeded strife.

Make good choices,

CH_V
 
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#58
#58
I would rename this thread Exhibit A for Divorce Proceedings just to make it easier for opposing counsel to follow along.
 
#59
#59
Huff, did you becomes friends with these people because your wife wanted to or knew them first?
 
#60
#60
Carl Pickens said:
I realized that' after rereading....I caught a good friend's fiancé once as well.... not a good 12 hours and all.
Ran into her on a Friday night .....with the guy after watching her for a few minutes my wife tapped her on the shoulder and said "hi".... just to let her know we saw her.... extremely hung over the next morning .... I went to his house and told him. He asked me to go with him to her apartment..... right as we pulled up to park..... her and her guy were pulling in from being out all night..... they took off and my buddy went nuts.... chased the through the complex and was yelling " I'm gonna ram that MF"..... I'm so hungover it was horrible .... im telling him to be cool... because he was out of control ... I was telling him he'll pull over just be cool.... he finally stopped..... keep in mind this is about 7:00 a.m...... my buddy jumps out and runs up to the guy's car and starts pummeling him through the window. .... I let him get his punches in and then pulled him back....i never will forget the feeling of the hangover coupled with the adrenaline rush and his rage driven driving
Click to expand...

I wrestled with talking to my friend all day about it and then called him.

I didn't exactly see anything but she showed up at her apt. with this guy and she was white as a ghost when she saw us and asked "what are you guys doing here?"....it was the one time we spent lunch there, so she thought the coast was clear.

I even texted her after and asked "who was that guy?" and she was texting me back but it was evasive and weird.

So I tell my friend and he calls her and then calls me back and says "it wasn't what it looked like and that's her old phone #". I'm thinking in my head, "then who was texting me back? I guess it could be somebody f-ing with me but it was probably her phone she has on the side for cheating"

I washed my hands of it. They got married 2 months later and then divorced 10 months after that. I am so glad I told him. I'd never forgive myself if I hadn't.
 
#61
#61
davethevol said:
Huff, did you becomes friends with these people because your wife wanted to or knew them first?
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I became friends with them because my little sister was HS friends with wife 1, though I didn't know her growing up. Her husband is from the same area and has a lot of the same interests as me and we even played HS ball against each other, so we were immediate friends.
 
#63
#63
n_huffhines said:
I wrestled with talking to my friend all day about it and then called him.

I didn't exactly see anything but she showed up at her apt. with this guy and she was white as a ghost when she saw us and asked "what are you guys doing here?"....it was the one time we spent lunch there, so she thought the coast was clear.

I even texted her after and asked "who was that guy?" and she was texting me back but it was evasive and weird.

So I tell my friend and he calls her and then calls me back and says "it wasn't what it looked like and that's her old phone #". I'm thinking in my head, "then who was texting me back? I guess it could be somebody f-ing with me but it was probably her phone she has on the side for cheating"

I washed my hands of it. They got married 2 months later and then divorced 10 months after that. I am so glad I told him. I'd never forgive myself if I hadn't.
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Follow up, I saw his ex 5 years later (she had since married the guy she cheated with) at a marathon that my wife was coincidentally running. I was on the bleachers right at the finish line and when I saw her in her moment of glory I started yelling "Yeah, go Stephanie {ex-husband's last name}! You did it! Way to go Stephanie {ex-husband's last name}!"
 
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#64
#64
n_huffhines said:
I'm wondering what is normal behavior? I have a few questions and then the drama is below if you want context for why I'm asking:

Would you be concerned if your wife and her friends spent a good deal of their time *****ing about you or is that just what wives do?

Do you keep things from your spouse? What kind of things and why?

Do you check your spouse's phone, either secretly or with them knowing?

Context:
My wife and I have friends that we are concerned about. The wives in the group are always *****ing about their husbands and my wife doesn't really like to hang out with them unless the guys are around because of it.

Couple 1 are our best friends in the group.

Wife 2 is pretty much cheating on her husband and I guess he is moving out. Wife 1 told my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband? Why not?

Wife 3 is pretty unhappy with her husband. Not sure if it's gossip getting blown out of proportion or if they are actually in trouble. Wife 1 tells my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband.

Husband 4 is a cheater and all the wives hate him for it, despite the fact that they are all hiding that wife 2 is cheating. He even hit on wife 1. Another thing I'm not supposed to know about and her husband doesn't know.

I think couple 1 and couple 3 can be saved but I feel like we need to get them away from the group. Maybe I'm just over-reacting because it's not how our relationship works and those 2 are just fine?
Click to expand...

My wife and I started becoming close with 3 couples and started hanging out with them. We discovered that those 3 couples had husbands and wives cheating on each other within the group. They would then talk about each other to us and so we disassociated with them. It was the best thing we could have done. They started trying to put us against the other couples. It really was a terrible situation. We don't deal with drama too well.

As far as the *****ing, we work with couples on their marriages and try to help them get past the talking about their spouse. If you can't openly speak to your significant other about issues within your marriage, one or both are too immature. We lead a group of 8 couples in our local church helping them to see healthy marriages and ways to make theirs better. If we need advice from someone about a situation in our marriage we have a few couples that we can be open with that we talk to and get advice from. Then we work from there to resolve the issue.

The phone issue, if my wife wants to look on my phone I don't care, I have nothing to hide from her. I will give her a hard time about it though. Same with her if I ever decided to look on her phone.
 
#65
#65
When they divorce from the cheating, etc.. You're going to lose 1/2 of the couple as friends anyways, more than likely, so you could damage control now and pick which ones you want to get rid of.

Joking. Good luck with your conundrum.
 
#66
#66
Sounds like Wife 1 is the alpha. She's probably jealous that she wasn't born with + and once she gets done with Husband 4 you could be in the crosshairs. I'd get my lady away from that kind of influence. Maybe move to a new town. At least find some new friends. If you have to, join a club where the other couples are not members and pour yourselves into it.
 
#67
#67
I did know a guy at work and he'd asked if he could store some stuff at my house while he found an apt for work. Wife and kids in another town and he traveled a lot for work. I said ok, he comes by one night with some stuff and of particular interest was the 20 something chick in the front seat. He was 10 years older than me and she was younger than I was, so I figured that was not the wife. I asked who his friend was, oh he met her at the gym. I thought wow this takes some nuts. One night he came by while I was still at work and my then gf now wife asked how he could do that to his wife. He said that all men cheat and as long as he paid the bills and kept her in a nice house she couldn't complain. He then went on to tell my wife that I would also cheat on her. She relays this to me when I get home, I called him and told him he had three days to get his **** from my house or it was going on the curb and he'd be best served to steer clear of both of us. I still see him around town occasionally and he acts like nothing is wrong. That's a grade A sociopath.
 
#68
#68
So far, I have made it 40 years without cheating on first wife of 10 years, and 30 with this one. I believe I can make it a few more years. So, I know at least one man who doesn't cheat.
 
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#70
#70
1972 Grad said:
So far, I have made it 40 years without cheating on first wife of 10 years, and 30 with this one. I believe I can make it a few more years. So, I know at least one man who doesn't cheat.
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You know another.
 
#73
#73
1972 Grad said:
So far, I have made it 40 years without cheating on first wife of 10 years, and 30 with this one. I believe I can make it a few more years. So, I know at least one man who doesn't cheat.
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What about mentally?

Are you faithful if you've never done anything physical, but you've lusted for another in your mind ?
 
#75
#75
goldenvol said:
What about mentally?

Are you faithful if you've never done anything physical, but you've lusted for another in your mind ?
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I would say that's between you and your spouse. I've never actually had that conversation, tho.

I am allowed to watch porn so I figure I'm allowed to lust, LOL.
 
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