dduncan4163
Have at it Hoss
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2006
- Messages
- 21,471
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- 43,976
I am writing this here for a couple reasons. One is I'm not good at or comfortable with talking about my emotions and mental state in general in person. I was raised in a family that didn't know have to be human when it came to feelings. Second is honestly this place has become very special to me over the years. I have and may never end up meeting most of you but that doesn't matter. You guys are like a extended family to me.
When I was a teen I was diagnosed with severe Clinical Depression. I had attempted suicide and was hospitalized and then put into Psychiatric treatment. I had just about every test known to man done. Suicide runs deep on my mothers side so it was the luck of the draw I guess. I was put on medications and have stayed in treatment on and off for the last 20 years.
Clinical Depression is something that really is impossible to explain to someone that doesn't have it.To feel hopeless worthless, and dead inside when there is no reason at all too is maddening.
I am rambling to I will get to the point
My depression usually comes at even random times in my life. My life can be perfectly normal then it will hit and last from a few day to months at a time. They have been mild until recently.
For the first time in a long while I have fallen on finacial troubles. Something that I know everyone here knows all about. Having children makes it so much harder for obvious reasons. The timing couldn't have been worse because starting in nov I have had a wave of deprssion come over me that I haven't experienced seen I was in my early 20s. I have isolated myself from everyone except for my children.
Today has up until this point been the worst day I have experienced I was a teen. I found myself looking at my gun cabnit. I was looking at my 357 and the thought crossed my mind to drive down to the river and end it. I was back to the point where I just didn't want to exist.
I started crying and felt pure hatred at myself for thinking it. I hadnt had a suicidal thought since I attempted it. I knew how selfish of a thought it was. To leave behind those that care for me.
While I was crying my little 3 year old daughter Ruth walked in on me. She had her blanket with her and that was odd because it was about 3 hours before her bedtime. She didn't say a word just climbed into my lap kissed me and feel asleep in my arms. Somehow that little 3 year old angel knew what I was thinking and I honestly believe she just saved my life.
I am full of shame right now. I can't no matter how bad things get inside me walk out of my children. This depression cycle will end because they always do and I figure out how to get these bills payed. I got no choice. My kids need me and by god I will be there for them.
I am so sorry for the long read guys. Even though I might not have met you I love and care for you nation and just wanted to tell you all how my baby girl saved me tonight.
I'm going to be ok guys. I really am.
When I was a teen I was diagnosed with severe Clinical Depression. I had attempted suicide and was hospitalized and then put into Psychiatric treatment. I had just about every test known to man done. Suicide runs deep on my mothers side so it was the luck of the draw I guess. I was put on medications and have stayed in treatment on and off for the last 20 years.
Clinical Depression is something that really is impossible to explain to someone that doesn't have it.To feel hopeless worthless, and dead inside when there is no reason at all too is maddening.
I am rambling to I will get to the point
My depression usually comes at even random times in my life. My life can be perfectly normal then it will hit and last from a few day to months at a time. They have been mild until recently.
For the first time in a long while I have fallen on finacial troubles. Something that I know everyone here knows all about. Having children makes it so much harder for obvious reasons. The timing couldn't have been worse because starting in nov I have had a wave of deprssion come over me that I haven't experienced seen I was in my early 20s. I have isolated myself from everyone except for my children.
Today has up until this point been the worst day I have experienced I was a teen. I found myself looking at my gun cabnit. I was looking at my 357 and the thought crossed my mind to drive down to the river and end it. I was back to the point where I just didn't want to exist.
I started crying and felt pure hatred at myself for thinking it. I hadnt had a suicidal thought since I attempted it. I knew how selfish of a thought it was. To leave behind those that care for me.
While I was crying my little 3 year old daughter Ruth walked in on me. She had her blanket with her and that was odd because it was about 3 hours before her bedtime. She didn't say a word just climbed into my lap kissed me and feel asleep in my arms. Somehow that little 3 year old angel knew what I was thinking and I honestly believe she just saved my life.
I am full of shame right now. I can't no matter how bad things get inside me walk out of my children. This depression cycle will end because they always do and I figure out how to get these bills payed. I got no choice. My kids need me and by god I will be there for them.
I am so sorry for the long read guys. Even though I might not have met you I love and care for you nation and just wanted to tell you all how my baby girl saved me tonight.
I'm going to be ok guys. I really am.