I lost her March of 2019. Her last Xmas was believe it or not very good. She was the happiest I ever saw her. I didn't understand "or honestly couldn't accept at the time" but she knew it was going to be her last. She was honestly the happiest I'd seen her in years and I get why now. She told me a few weeks before she passed that she'd lived more in year and a half fighting cancer than she did the previous 10 years healthy. She had her low points but she fought like a Warrior. She was the strongest human being I ever had the pleasure of knowing. I can only hope I have the strength she had when my time comes.
It's been nearly 3 years but I won't lie some days it feels like it was yesterday. XMas is really hard but at the same time it's wonderful too. I got 4 pieces of her and my youngest looks and acts just like her. Brooklyn is so head strong and she's that Type A personality I need to keep me focused and moving forward lol. I come from a broken home full of violence and I ran away when I was 16 and never looked back. I bounced around from city to city, hell state to state for years. I abandoned a lot of good jobs and few good women and truly loved me because I was running. I lived fast because if I was moving I wasn't thinking. I didn't want to be alone with myself. No time for self reflection when youre working and partying all the time.
I met Laura by chance actually. I had been working on a river barge and I grew tired of it. Just happened to be in her home town of Blytheville. Got me an apartment there because I got a good paying job at Steel plant. She was a bank teller where I set up an account. She told me after the fact that she didn't see a ring so she started flirting with me. My dumb ass was completely oblivious lol. A couple week later I got me a weekened job bouncing at a local night club and who do I encounter lol. She comes up to me and I'll never forgot she says "You never sleep do you." We started up a conversation and the rest is history. Oh the funniest part is aftyer we started talking we both realized we had had a couple of back and forths on Yahoo dating that existed back in 2001 lol. Within a couple months we moved in together. After about 6 months my insecurities starting kicking in and I was ready to leave everyone and everything once again. The difference that go around was she wouldn't let me go without her. I never forget her looking me dead in the eye and telling me "You don't get to abadon me. I love you and I know you and I know you love me. What hit me dead center and made me literally drop to my knees is when she grabbed my face and said "You derserve to be loved. You're a good man and you deserve to have me." In that moment I knew I had found my soul mate. Not too long after that she became pregnant with Dennis and for almost 20 years she was my rock. I went back to college because of her. I settled down and put down roots because of her. It was a life full of longing but for what I never knew until I met her. She was everything I always wanted but never felt like I deserved. I can say I know I didn't deserve her but not a day doesn't go by I'm thankful she chose me.
She is also the reason I've slowly started to find my faith again. She knew I've struggled with my faith ever since I was a EMT. She told me that she would give me a signs that she was still there and she was waiting for me. I've gotten a couple signs that I can't rationally explain. Signs that only me and her would get. I'm so quick to explain everything away but these I cant. I won't lie it has brought me so much peace. I know she's there and when my journey here ends she will be the first face I see when I cross over. I sit at that bed side so many nights praying to a God I didn't believe in to just trade places with her. I never worried or cared about my own life. Hell I could take it or leave it if I'm honest but watching the ones I love die is my only true fear. I lost my grandma suddenly when I was 8 and she was my momma. That woman protected me and was all I had in the world at that point. My oldest girl Ruth is named after that angel of a woman. I lost my brother to a accidental drowning while we were fishing. I lost my best friend to suicide. The closest father figure I ever had to a random bullet. and lost my first love to a damn drunk driver. Even with all that I never thought I'd outlive her. I swear yall it never once crossed my mind. I was holding her when she moved on and I wont lie the only reason I didn't eat a bullet that night was my babies. God I hate admitting it but I all I wanted to do was grab my 44 and sleep forever. I didn't want to exist. I almost failed my babies that night. I was so close to making them orphans and I'll always hate myself for it. I was all my babies had and the only thing I cared about was my selfish ass. She made me promise I would go on and do right by our children and I wanted to take the cowards way out. I put my pain in front those of my kids. I want to go back in time and beat the hell out of that version of me. I almost left them to face the world alone. I almost took what little innocence they still had and I know I would have broke them. I'll never allow that loser back into my head.
I remember waking up that next morning and at first I didn't realize she was gone. I rolled over and and for a moment I'd thought she had beat me up. Some days I still want to go back to that moment. The memories can be too damn much but when they are I get on here and just start reading or typing lol. I always find my center. Even now nearly 3 years later Volnation continues to help me keep one one in front of the other. I don't remember which one of you told me to do this but you said it when you feel like youre coming apart remember this. Left Foot, Right Foot, Breathe Deep and repeat. I swear no advice I've ever gotten has helped me more than those words you typed. I owe my sanity to you and I hate I can't remember your name.. Those words are the motto of my life. I will make it long enough to know my kids are grown and can take care of themselves. I'm so lucky I get to watch them grow and mature. They are my continued purpose and everyday I have them is a blessing. They are my purpose. I'm not much of anything. but I'm starting to believe I'm a good father. My babies love me and they tell me everyday that they love me. I can't and I won't fail them. They calm my thoughts and keep me from giving into depression.
Thank yall so much for listening to my ramblings. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill tonight. Hell I'm just missing her and a few others tonight. Sh*t yall I'm so sorry but thank you all for putting up with my broken ass. I didn't realize I was holding onto this. I'd be in sorry ass shape without this place.
Anyway didn't mean for this post to turn into that. Thank You so much for all the love and support you and the rest of Volnation gave me in my darkest hour. I don't know why but it's always been easier for me to type my feelings instead of saying them. I've said many times and but it bares repeating. This place kept me strong when I had to be. Many nights I sat in that hospital room watching her slowing waste away and when it got to be to much I'd get on here. The hardest thing I ever had to face was watching that light in her eyes dim a little more each day. When she would fall asleep and I felt a panic attack come on I would get on here and type. I would ramble but damn if it didn't help me find my center. I'm not a strong man I can admit that. I'm just smart enough to know when I've hit my limit. Volnation beared that load for me many, many times during her fight and after her passing. I don't think I could have stayed standing without you. Yall gave me the emotional, and physical support I needed to keep going. Hell because of yall I was able to financially be with her and my kids during those 18 months and still keep bills paid and food on the table. Yall even helped me get her cremated. No way I could have kept things floating without yall. I will forever be in the debt of Volnation. You truly were your brothers keeper. J
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
-John 13:34
Yall are my brothers and sisters and I love each and everyone of you. Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can repay this debt one day.
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
- Proverbs 17:17
