My Little Girl

#1
dduncan4163

dduncan4163

Have at it Hoss
Joined
Jan 24, 2006
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#1
I am writing this here for a couple reasons. One is I'm not good at or comfortable with talking about my emotions and mental state in general in person. I was raised in a family that didn't know have to be human when it came to feelings. Second is honestly this place has become very special to me over the years. I have and may never end up meeting most of you but that doesn't matter. You guys are like a extended family to me.

When I was a teen I was diagnosed with severe Clinical Depression. I had attempted suicide and was hospitalized and then put into Psychiatric treatment. I had just about every test known to man done. Suicide runs deep on my mothers side so it was the luck of the draw I guess. I was put on medications and have stayed in treatment on and off for the last 20 years.

Clinical Depression is something that really is impossible to explain to someone that doesn't have it.To feel hopeless worthless, and dead inside when there is no reason at all too is maddening.

I am rambling to I will get to the point

My depression usually comes at even random times in my life. My life can be perfectly normal then it will hit and last from a few day to months at a time. They have been mild until recently.

For the first time in a long while I have fallen on finacial troubles. Something that I know everyone here knows all about. Having children makes it so much harder for obvious reasons. The timing couldn't have been worse because starting in nov I have had a wave of deprssion come over me that I haven't experienced seen I was in my early 20s. I have isolated myself from everyone except for my children.

Today has up until this point been the worst day I have experienced I was a teen. I found myself looking at my gun cabnit. I was looking at my 357 and the thought crossed my mind to drive down to the river and end it. I was back to the point where I just didn't want to exist.

I started crying and felt pure hatred at myself for thinking it. I hadnt had a suicidal thought since I attempted it. I knew how selfish of a thought it was. To leave behind those that care for me.

While I was crying my little 3 year old daughter Ruth walked in on me. She had her blanket with her and that was odd because it was about 3 hours before her bedtime. She didn't say a word just climbed into my lap kissed me and feel asleep in my arms. Somehow that little 3 year old angel knew what I was thinking and I honestly believe she just saved my life.

I am full of shame right now. I can't no matter how bad things get inside me walk out of my children. This depression cycle will end because they always do and I figure out how to get these bills payed. I got no choice. My kids need me and by god I will be there for them.

I am so sorry for the long read guys. Even though I might not have met you I love and care for you nation and just wanted to tell you all how my baby girl saved me tonight.

I'm going to be ok guys. I really am.
 
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#2
#2
Our young children do seem to have an unfathomable connection to us...and can sometimes touch us when we most need it. Believe in her and keep believing in yourself.
 
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#3
#3
Wow, that's a tough situation. I feel for you, and I'm sure I speak for us all when I say I'm glad she found you when she did.

That being said, you need to reach out for help, my man. Have you contacted your Psychiatrist or therapist? If not, do so.

Also, with a history of depression, you really shouldn't keep firearms around. As today proved, things can spiral down and put you in a dangerous spot. Find them a safe home.

Finally, if you have thoughts of hurting yourself again, call 911 or your local crisis hotline (a number you should keep in your phone).

I know these are difficult steps, but remember that beautiful angel and promise that you will do whatever it takes to be there for her.
 
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#4
#4
Please, please, please remove those guns from your household. Let a friend hold them for you for a while.
 
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#5
#5
I'm not the best with words in these types of situations. All I can say is stay strong brutha.
 
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#6
#6
dduncan4163 said:
I am writing this here for a couple reasons. One is I'm not good at or comfortable with talking about my emotions and mental state in general in person. I was raised in a family that didn't know have to be human when it came to feelings. Second is honestly this place has become very special to me over the years. I have and may never end up meeting most of you but that doesn't matter. You guys are like a extended family to me.

When I was a teen I was diagnosed with severe Clinical Depression. I had attempted suicide and was hospitalized and then put into Psychiatric treatment. I had just about every test known to man done. Suicide runs deep on my mothers side so it was the luck of the draw I guess. I was put on medications and have stayed in treatment on and off for the last 20 years.

Clinical Depression is something that really is impossible to explain to someone that doesn't have it.To feel hopeless worthless, and dead inside when there is no reason at all too is maddening.

I am rambling to I will get to the point

My depression usually comes at even random times in my life. My life can be perfectly normal then it will hit and last from a few day to months at a time. They have been mild until recently.

For the first time in a long while I have fallen on finacial troubles. Something that I know everyone here knows all about. Having children makes it so much harder for obvious reasons. The timing couldn't have been worse because starting in nov I have had a wave of deprssion come over me that I haven't experienced seen I was in my early 20s. I have isolated myself from everyone except for my children.

Today has up until this point been the worst day I have experienced I was a teen. I found myself looking at my gun cabnit. I was looking at my 357 and the thought crossed my mind to drive down to the river and end it. I was back to the point where I just didn't want to exist.

I started crying and felt pure hatred at myself for thinking it. I hadnt had a suicidal thought since I attempted it. I knew how selfish of a thought it was. To leave behind those that care for me.

While I was crying my little 3 year old daughter Ruth walked in on me. She had her blanket with her and that was odd because it was about 3 hours before her bedtime. She didn't say a word just climbed into my lap kissed me and feel asleep in my arms. Somehow that little 3 year old angel knew what I was thinking and I honestly believe she just saved my life.

I am full of shame right now. I can't no matter how bad things get inside me walk out of my children. This depression cycle will end because they always do and I figure out how to get these bills payed. I got no choice. My kids need me and by god I will be there for them.

I am so sorry for the long read guys. Even though I might not have met you I love and care for you nation and just wanted to tell you all how my baby girl saved me tonight.

I'm going to be ok guys. I really am.
Click to expand...


I hope things get better for you real soon,DDuncan!:good!: I've had problems with off and on waves of depression since my marriage broke up in May 2012. It sometimes seems that the dark clouds will never leave.
 
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#7
#7
All I can do for you right now is pray for you. That is what I am going to do. I encourage anybody else on here to do the same if you feel led to so.
 
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#8
#8
I agree with pretty much everything that's been said. For sure if you're ever having problems and those thoughts arise call 911 or reach out to a local crisis center like someone already said. Those people are amazing and they only want to help you they habor no judgment. The fact you were willing to share on here is great, clinical depression is nothing to be ashamed of. It affects many people, just remember you're not alone in this brother. There's always people out there who want to talk to you and help you when you're having issues and need to talk.
 
#9
#9
kiddiedoc said:
Wow, that's a tough situation. I feel for you, and I'm sure I speak for us all when I say I'm glad she found you when she did.

That being said, you need to reach out for help, my man. Have you contacted your Psychiatrist or therapist? If not, do so.

Also, with a history of depression, you really shouldn't keep firearms around. As today proved, things can spiral down and put you in a dangerous spot. Find them a safe home.

Finally, if you have thoughts of hurting yourself again, call 911 or your local crisis hotline (a number you should keep in your phone).

I know these are difficult steps, but remember that beautiful angel and promise that you will do whatever it takes to be there for her.
Click to expand...
I have and I am going to go back into therpy. It just takes situations like today to wake me up and show me I am in a depressed state.
 
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#10
#10
I will pray for you tonight before I go to bed. I'm not going to lie, the part about your daughter made me tear up a little.
 
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#11
#11
Thank you guys so much. I am going to be okay. I just needed to vent a little. I am going to go back into therapy. I got no choice but to pull through it. My children need me and there is no way in hell I am going to selfishly exit out on them.
 
#14
#14
Dave1967 said:
I hope things get better for you real soon,DDuncan!:good!: I've had problems with off and on waves of depression since my marriage broke up in May 2012. It sometimes seems that the dark clouds will never leave.
Click to expand...
It really is like dark clouds in the mind. They will come and go with no warning at all
 
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#15
#15
many of the neurological conditions can be treated with meds..basically all involve a chemical imbalance..too low levels of serotonin in depression cases, too much dopamine for schizophrenia or too low for Alzheimers and Parkinsons..we have better treatments with fewer side effects but the most important thing is to have a good support system around you and to seek professional therapy to go with the meds

as far as money goes..I've made lots at times and I've made minimum wage at times..sit down and look for ways to clear up what money you have..this is our year of living frugally..we cut the cord, got rid of the home phone, changed to cheaper insurance plans, and are eating out less..plus my wife, who has to stay home with our autistic son, is babysitting some and I have a small side business doing property inspections..the result? We cut our expenses by almost 500 while increasing our income by nearly the same amount..1k a month is 12k a year!
 
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#16
#16
dduncan4163 said:
I have and I am going to go back into therpy. It just takes situations like today to wake me up and show me I am in a depressed state.
Click to expand...

Good. Call tomorrow, don't wait around...even if you feel better when you wake up.

Praying for you, bud. Do the same. God loves you, and He just may have sent your daughter in to find you today.
 
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#17
#17
Depression is a horrible thing that can really be crippling and is totally unexplainable to those who haven't experienced it. I hate to hear that anyone has to deal with it. All I can add to what others have said is to not beat yourself up over a moment of weakness. Ultimately you made the right decision, and that's the most important thing. With a problem like depression you can't always control your thought processes, but you can control your actions. Try and not beat yourself up over thoughts you've had when you know yourself that they sometimes tend to follow their own whims. Instead be proud of yourself that in spite of the strong emotions you were feeling and the thoughts you were having, you made the right decision.

Also as others have said, never be afraid or ashamed to reach out for help if you feel yourself slipping again.

You and your family will be in my thoughts.
 
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#18
#18
I am currently on Paxil. I think it is time to change my meds up again. The main thing is to start seeing my Psychiatrist again. Got so busy with life that I stopped seeing him about a year ago. I am calling first thing in the morning
 
#19
#19
And once again thank you all. Just reading your comments has lifted my mood greatly. I have been here for so long and have come to know so many of you that Volnation is a big bright part of my life and Im not ashamed to admit that. I have to at least check in here once a day, and I would be completly lost without yall during football season lol.
 
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#20
#20
dduncan4163 said:
I am currently on Paxil. I think it is time to change my meds up again. The main thing is to start seeing my Psychiatrist again. Got so busy with life that I stopped seeing him about a year ago. I am calling first thing in the morning
Click to expand...

awesome..the SSRIs(Paxil ,Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro) work well and have few side effects..they work by blocking the reuptake of serotonin to the pre-synaptic neuron..this allows more serotonin to move across to the postsynaptic neuron

you might ask your Dr about a newer class of drugs called the SNRIs..they work on serotonin and norepinephrine..so they are effective for depression, social phobias, and panic attacks

they might be a little more expensive..but a few like Effexor have generics now... others in this class include Cymbalta, Savella, Pristiq
 
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#22
#22
I can't imagine how you feel, but I thank God your daughter came in and gave you a little comfort. I trully pray for you that you will find the help you need to get through this. If you're a religious person or not, I will still be praying for you. Call your Dr, realize how precious you are to your family, try praying. You mean a lot to a lot of people. Hang in there.
 
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#23
#23
dduncan4163 said:
I am writing this here for a couple reasons. One is I'm not good at or comfortable with talking about my emotions and mental state in general in person. I was raised in a family that didn't know have to be human when it came to feelings. Second is honestly this place has become very special to me over the years. I have and may never end up meeting most of you but that doesn't matter. You guys are like a extended family to me.

When I was a teen I was diagnosed with severe Clinical Depression. I had attempted suicide and was hospitalized and then put into Psychiatric treatment. I had just about every test known to man done. Suicide runs deep on my mothers side so it was the luck of the draw I guess. I was put on medications and have stayed in treatment on and off for the last 20 years.

Clinical Depression is something that really is impossible to explain to someone that doesn't have it.To feel hopeless worthless, and dead inside when there is no reason at all too is maddening.

I am rambling to I will get to the point

My depression usually comes at even random times in my life. My life can be perfectly normal then it will hit and last from a few day to months at a time. They have been mild until recently.

For the first time in a long while I have fallen on finacial troubles. Something that I know everyone here knows all about. Having children makes it so much harder for obvious reasons. The timing couldn't have been worse because starting in nov I have had a wave of deprssion come over me that I haven't experienced seen I was in my early 20s. I have isolated myself from everyone except for my children.

Today has up until this point been the worst day I have experienced I was a teen. I found myself looking at my gun cabnit. I was looking at my 357 and the thought crossed my mind to drive down to the river and end it. I was back to the point where I just didn't want to exist.

I started crying and felt pure hatred at myself for thinking it. I hadnt had a suicidal thought since I attempted it. I knew how selfish of a thought it was. To leave behind those that care for me.

While I was crying my little 3 year old daughter Ruth walked in on me. She had her blanket with her and that was odd because it was about 3 hours before her bedtime. She didn't say a word just climbed into my lap kissed me and feel asleep in my arms. Somehow that little 3 year old angel knew what I was thinking and I honestly believe she just saved my life.

I am full of shame right now. I can't no matter how bad things get inside me walk out of my children. This depression cycle will end because they always do and I figure out how to get these bills payed. I got no choice. My kids need me and by god I will be there for them.

I am so sorry for the long read guys. Even though I might not have met you I love and care for you nation and just wanted to tell you all how my baby girl saved me tonight.

I'm going to be ok guys. I really am.
Click to expand...

utdoyle@hotmail.com

Email me and I will give you my phone number if you ever need to talk.
Hang in there, buddy.
The world and this message board are better places with you in them.
 
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#24
#24
Hang in there buddy. I can tell you I've been to that dark place myself, and know the feelings of helplessness and despair, all I can tell you is that there's plenty of folks who will listen, and vocalizing your feelings will help a lot.
 
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