Guitar Shots to the Head: Lane’s SEC Survival Handbook

There was a lot of chatter this week once Vol Calls hit the airwaves. While I’m quite positive that Lane Kiffin has heard “I’ll hang up and listen” before, I’m not as sure that he has ever dealt with the type of question that often precedes that phrase.

“Thank ya for takin’ my call coach La-ane. I’s wunderin if there is a plan to run the wishbone this year”

“We just want you to know how much we appreciate you being our football coach and all”

“Do you think we could win the SEC if we had Peyton back this year?”

“Is Ritchie gonna play tonight?”

Kiffin is a smart cookie, but some of the habits and colloquialisms of SEC fans have to be a shock to the system. It is likely that Monte has some experience dealing with this, given his Nebraska roots. Ed, Eddie and Lance probably tried to prepare him for the 24 hour media coverage and chatter associated with an SEC program.

If Lane finds himself on Cumberland Ave late at night with none of those guys around, I thought I would put a Survival Guide together in case of an emergency.

Rule One: If you see a Georgia Bulldog fan in red pants do not give them any beer or liquor. He/she is already very drunk. Otherwise they wouldn’t have those hideous digs on in the first place.

Rule Two: Unless you want to be stuck on the phone with their parents for three hours after you fire them, don’t employ Vanderbilt alumni.

Rule Three: When talking to a Bama fan, simply acknowledge their 12 national championships from the outset of the conversation. Otherwise, you are going to be engaged for a while.

Rule Four: Understand that Kentucky fans despise all things Orange. If you ever have a run in, just tell them that it is too bad that John Calipari isn’t a football coach.

Rule Five: Let Ed Orgeron deal with LSU. You won’t understand a word they are saying anyway.

Rule Six: Avoid the Purple Porpoise. It is a trap! Also remember, unless you have a mullet, the jorts aren’t going to help you blend in.

Rule Seven: Avoid extramarital transgressions….but if you must indulge I suggest beginning your search at The Grove.

Rule Eight: In the SEC when you hear the music for “2001: A Space Odyssey” playing don’t waste your time looking for Rick Flair. You will be disappointed.

Rule Nine: If things start to go sour during a game, just start giving chest bumps to your players. Most UT fans see this as a sign that you are trying your best.

Rule Ten: Do not mention White Castle in a Krystal restaurant. Remember that the mustard and the sweeter buns make all the difference in the world.

Until next time, Go Vols!