I need y’alls help

#52

RDU VOL#14

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#52
So you mentioned that finances were a major issue but you now seem to be spending money freely on name-only goods? Unless you've completely addressed the real issues you laid out in your first post then this seems like a big red flag. I don't think you're going to buy your way back in

I believe SDV recommended FPU in an earlier post and I would second that. It's made a big difference in my marriage and the way we handle money.
I can see why you might say that. I recently came into a little bit of money and even though I name dropped a few items does t mean that I spent very much money at all. I just thought that she deserved to have some things that she’s pointed out in the past. Not that I owe you an explanation on the amount I spent, it was all from outlet stores . It wasn’t an attempt to buy her affection, but an opportunity for her to be happy with gifts to open at Christmas .
 
#53

BearCat204

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#53
I can see why you might say that. I recently came into a little bit of money and even though I name dropped a few items does t mean that I spent very much money at all. I just thought that she deserved to have some things that she’s pointed out in the past. Not that I owe you an explanation on the amount I spent, it was all from outlet stores . It wasn’t an attempt to buy her affection, but an opportunity for her to be happy with gifts to open at Christmas .
I dont think PJ was being negative with you (a first :) ) but just being real and honest with you and I think you missed his point. Even if you came into a lot of money by winning the lottery, its the behavior with money (from your own OP) that has been an issue in all of this. Perhaps being a bit more frugal would have been a better approach in this process of rehabilitation for your life.
 
#54

VolNExile

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#54
Keep hitting your meetings - are you doing a 90/90? - and if you’re going to good ones, you’ll get the feedback you need. They have amazing BS detectors, especially for people who don’t even realize that they’re saying and thinking BS.

IMO, for now you need to concentrate more on getting yourself straightened out and less on your wife. I’m not sure that you’ve found your genuine self yet. I don’t think you’re ready to come back to yet. This stuff takes time, usually a lot of time. (Sorry, just going on what you’ve posted and my limited understanding.)

Best wishes, and keep focusing on what matters, with humility up there at the top.
 
#55

superdave1984

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#55
I can see why you might say that. I recently came into a little bit of money and even though I name dropped a few items does t mean that I spent very much money at all. I just thought that she deserved to have some things that she’s pointed out in the past. Not that I owe you an explanation on the amount I spent, it was all from outlet stores . It wasn’t an attempt to buy her affection, but an opportunity for her to be happy with gifts to open at Christmas .
I think you are missing the point. Your wife NEEDS you to be responsible and she NEEDS security. Buying a bunch of gifts does NOT achieve that goal. Her happiness is going to come from those things, not presents. You might consider just giving her total control of the finances for a while. Then gradually get back into it only if she struggles. The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. You seem to love money more than you love her. And, in the process, are losing both.
 
#59

VolNExile

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#59
You might want to consider showing this thread to your sponsor. Social media is a very new and real thing in terms of how we relate to one another, and it might be useful to him/her to read through it. We have a lot of conversations online these days. Just a thought.
 
#60

RDU VOL#14

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#60
You might want to consider showing this thread to your sponsor. Social media is a very new and real thing in terms of how we relate to one another, and it might be useful to him/her to read through it. We have a lot of conversations online these days. Just a thought.
I've explained certain things to him, about being on here. Are suggesting it's probably a bad idea? Because I'm beginning to think so.
 
#64

VolNExile

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#64
I've explained certain things to him, about being on here. Are suggesting it's probably a bad idea? Because I'm beginning to think so.
No, I wasn’t suggesting that at all. An interesting facet of modern life is that we sometimes reveal part of ourselves on social media that we wouldn’t do face-to-face.

Since a big part of recovery is peeling off the layers of how-we-wish-we-were to learn to be completely honest, dragging out all our communications for review by your sponsor might be useful, including social media. (Just a guess on my part.)

As to maybe thinking that posting here is a bad idea, if you are unconsciously projecting an image here of how you’d like to be (because we do generally like to show our best faces), that might be getting in the way of getting honest with yourself. A big issue in addiction of any kind is that whole thing of broadcasting an image of who you wish you were, instead of who you actually are (a lot of times because we think no one will like us if they know the real us.) So this might be something to mull over with your sponsor. Does posting here reinforce your “stinkin’ thinking”?

If so, grant yourself a vacay from VN for a while as you discover your true self. And then maybe one day use us as a sounding board as you rebuild your life.

— I feel like I’ve gone WAY over the boundaries of how one should speak to a total stranger. But my profession has me deeply involved with people, especially men, working through recovery, so as painful and personal as it is for you, it’s awfully familiar to me. I know that you have a lot of battles ahead of you, but I hope you know that it’s doable, and you’ll be a finer human being when you come through it. Some of the best peeps I know are 12-steppers, both in major Stuff and in everyday sh!t like taking out the garbage. If any of this blather is useful, yay for us both. :) Meanwhile, keeping going (coming) back, it works.

Happy New Year to you and to the new you as well!
 
#65

RDU VOL#14

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#65
Because I've allowed myself to be put in a box that some people think defines me as a whole, and I was
Too comfortable speaking about things that I now know misrepresent who I am. And I actually started to care too much about what certain people whom I've never met thought about me. I actually lost sleep thinking about a particular post and I decided it wasn't worth my time and effort to respond to such ridiculous things.

I created this because I was looking to be transparent, open to guidance, truth and criticism. While being thoughtful and careful. Well, maybe I'll just give it a rest for a little bit. I'm not in a position to stick up for myself in a situation that I created like this, so I won't, no matter how much I would like to.

Thank you all for thoughts, prayers, guidance . It means a lot.

So Happy New Year, New Year New Start
 
#66

VolNExile

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#66
Because I've allowed myself to be put in a box that some people think defines me as a whole, and I was
Too comfortable speaking about things that I now know misrepresent who I am. And I actually started to care too much about what certain people whom I've never met thought about me. I actually lost sleep thinking about a particular post and I decided it wasn't worth my time and effort to respond to such ridiculous things.

I created this because I was looking to be transparent, open to guidance, truth and criticism. While being thoughtful and careful. Well, maybe I'll just give it a rest for a little bit. I'm not in a position to stick up for myself in a situation that I created like this, so I won't, no matter how much I would like to.

Thank you all for thoughts, prayers, guidance . It means a lot.

So Happy New Year, New Year New Start
A great post; I hope you’ll show this to your sponsor.

Ain’t nothing comfortable about gaining insight, that’s for sure.
 
#67

volsarelife1

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#67
Honestly this may be harsh sounding but oh well. I think you're wanting the best of both worlds with this thread. You're wanting sympathy and praised at the same time. Then almost getting mad and throwing a hissy fit when somebody questions some of your decisions.

You're the one who put yourself in this spot, nobody else. You're also the one who started the thread explaining everything. Don't get mad when someone questions something about your finances (when you complained about it in your first post). We're pulling for you but you're really being dramatic.
 
#68

RDU VOL#14

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#68
I wasn’t complaining about multiple people questioning my financial decisions. I understand how it came across. I didn’t mean to throw a hissy fit or be too dramatic, I guess I didn’t appreciate one thing that particularly was said and I realize that I created this thread. It wasn’t a shot at everyone who questioned what I did at Xmas . So for that I’m sorry.
 
#70

RDU VOL#14

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#70
I see there are some a-holes up in here..... don't apologize RDU....
I appreciate your support, I won’t call people names. I just let my emotions get the better of me after a particular post. I do appreciate people’s support, criticism and sometimes harsh realities. I created this thread so I guess I should takes what comes my way, both good and bad. I was just rubbed the wrong way and didn’t handle it correctly.
 
#73

Carl Pickens

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#73
I appreciate your support, I won’t call people names. I just let my emotions get the better of me after a particular post. I do appreciate people’s support, criticism and sometimes harsh realities. I created this thread so I guess I should takes what comes my way, both good and bad. I was just rubbed the wrong way and didn’t handle it correctly.
It would have upset the very folks criticizing you had they been in your shoes. We're all human and imperfect. Just keep grinding bro
 
#74

BearCat204

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#74
Perfect behaviorilists and counselors at that
Who said something that made them seem they were “perfect”? I guess I missed the comments that the OP has taken offense to, because I don’t see anything posted out of line. The OP ask for advice and help and when he gets this advice and help, he gets offended about it. I know that when I have had issues in my life in the past, the biggest problem has been self awareness of that issue and it’s always good to have someone from the outside tell you what they see.........especially if you ask for it.
 

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