I need y’alls help

#26

Carl Pickens

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#26
That’s sort of the gist of it. My family pretty much kicked my ass, but at the same time has been supportive because they believe in me. I have a lot to prove, obviously. I’m doing a lot to improve myself and I’m not sure it will be enough in my wife’s eyes. I can assure each and every one of you I’m not a mean spirited or bad person, but that doesn’t excuse my poor choices. You are who you are, especially when no one is watching.

These next few weeks will be incredibly trying for everyone because of the Holidays. I’m doing everything I can to not allow my marriage to be gone . We shall see.
Good luck brother..... hopefully you guys will be able to work things out and come to be stronger because of it.
 
#27
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#27
RDU,

I've seen you here for years and you've always come across as a genuinely good guy. I read your post a few days ago and really struggled with what to say. I can't relate entirely to your situation, but I can relate to hiding secrets from people. Admitting mistakes and facing the consequences are painful to say the least.

I pray your wife sees your sincerity and sees that you want to make things right. I wouldn't be surprised if she is just feeling overwhelmed with your mistakes, the miscarriage, and all the emotions that it entails. I've seen how a miscarriage can take a strong, rational women and really shake her to the core. Is the silence between you two a mutual choice, or is it her asking for time away? I would do everything I could to at least send a letter/text/email, not even asking for a response, but simply to express some feelings.

Take care brother. You're a strong and brave person to share a side like this with people you've never physically met. Sending some prayers up for you that everything works out for the best.
 
#28

RDU VOL#14

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#28
RDU,

I've seen you here for years and you've always come across as a genuinely good guy. I read your post a few days ago and really struggled with what to say. I can't relate entirely to your situation, but I can relate to hiding secrets from people. Admitting mistakes and facing the consequences are painful to say the least.

I pray your wife sees your sincerity and sees that you want to make things right. I wouldn't be surprised if she is just feeling overwhelmed with your mistakes, the miscarriage, and all the emotions that it entails. I've seen how a miscarriage can take a strong, rational women and really shake her to the core. Is the silence between you two a mutual choice, or is it her asking for time away? I would do everything I could to at least send a letter/text/email, not even asking for a response, but simply to express some feelings.

Take care brother. You're a strong and brave person to share a side like this with people you've never physically met. Sending some prayers up for you that everything works out for the best.
Thank you for your kind words. That means a great deal to read them. You all have been very kind offering me words of encouragement and support. I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving week.
 
#30

superdave1984

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#30
I have done more damage to people's lives than I care to talk about. Including my own. My two cents is worth about 2 cents, but if it helps then it matters.

Marriage is simple. Put the needs of your spouse ahead of your own while expecting nothing in return. Here's some things to work on, in no particular order. This isn't a checklist to check off and not worry about again.

Your spouse NEEDS to be able to trust you. So right now, you simply have to be completely transparent and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to regain trust.
Accept the fact you screwed up.
Ask for forgiveness. Whether you get it or not matters little at this point as most likely you won't.
Forgive yourself. This is much harder than it sounds.
You are already getting professional help, which is great. Also seek out a pastor that you know and trust and get on track with your relationship with the LORD. Some folks will nay-say this part, but ignore them.
Do not expect quick results, be in this for the long haul. It took a while to break the trust, it will take way longer to get it back. Don't get discouraged.
Don't be a prick during any of this. It is easy to get tired of trying to win back trust and often that causes a person to just be a dick. That will reset the clock.
Understand that your spouse might just treat you like dirt and feel validated in doing so. Sucks for you, but you don't get to complain about that. Don't let it get out of hand though.
Don't point the finger at anyone even if they had a part in it. You deal with YOUR role in the mess. If anyone else had a hand in it, then that's not your concern right now.
Anyone who helped you screw up might need to be cut from your life. People, places, things. You have heard that already. Either people are contributing or they are contaminating. No middle ground right now. You will have to re-evaluate some relationships and possibly end some in order to save one.


Bottom line is, don't beat yourself up long. The self inflicted punishment typically is much longer than the crime deserves. Accept responsibility, seek forgiveness, do what is right. Expect nothing. Put your spouse ahead of yourself. Every day. Period.

EDIT: Let me add one more thing. How bad do you want to earn back the trust? In other words, what is your limit to how far or how much you will do? If you aren't willing and able to go the distance, you have no hope of restoring it. And, if she isn't willing to at least play along and see, you also have no hope. And, if that is the case, you have to prepare yourself for that. You can't allow your spouse to beat you over the head forever. Either you are forgiven or you aren't. While you were in the wrong, you cannot allow yourself to be punished forever.
 
Last edited:
#31

RDU VOL#14

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#31
I have done more damage to people's lives than I care to talk about. Including my own. My two cents is worth about 2 cents, but if it helps then it matters.

Marriage is simple. Put the needs of your spouse ahead of your own while expecting nothing in return. Here's some things to work on, in no particular order. This isn't a checklist to check off and not worry about again.

Your spouse NEEDS to be able to trust you. So right now, you simply have to be completely transparent and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to regain trust.
Accept the fact you screwed up.
Ask for forgiveness. Whether you get it or not matters little at this point as most likely you won't.
Forgive yourself. This is much harder than it sounds.
You are already getting professional help, which is great. Also seek out a pastor that you know and trust and get on track with your relationship with the LORD. Some folks will nay-say this part, but ignore them.
Do not expect quick results, be in this for the long haul. It took a while to break the trust, it will take way longer to get it back. Don't get discouraged.
Don't be a prick during any of this. It is easy to get tired of trying to win back trust and often that causes a person to just be a dick. That will reset the clock.
Understand that your spouse might just treat you like dirt and feel validated in doing so. Sucks for you, but you don't get to complain about that. Don't let it get out of hand though.
Don't point the finger at anyone even if they had a part in it. You deal with YOUR role in the mess. If anyone else had a hand in it, then that's not your concern right now.
Anyone who helped you screw up might need to be cut from your life. People, places, things. You have heard that already. Either people are contributing or they are contaminating. No middle ground right now. You will have to re-evaluate some relationships and possibly end some in order to save one.


Bottom line is, don't beat yourself up long. The self inflicted punishment typically is much longer than the crime deserves. Accept responsibility, seek forgiveness, do what is right. Expect nothing. Put your spouse ahead of yourself. Every day. Period.

EDIT: Let me add one more thing. How bad do you want to earn back the trust? In other words, what is your limit to how far or how much you will do? If you aren't willing and able to go the distance, you have no hope of restoring it. And, if she isn't willing to at least play along and see, you also have no hope. And, if that is the case, you have to prepare yourself for that. You can't allow your spouse to beat you over the head forever. Either you are forgiven or you aren't. While you were in the wrong, you cannot allow yourself to be punished forever.

You have no idea how much that hits home with me right now. Especially the last 2 paragraphs. Still trying to get her here for Thanksgiving, but we’ll see.

Thank you for your message. You hit the nail on the head.
 
#32

RDU VOL#14

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#32
Happy Thanksgiving guys and gals I hope that each of you enjoys time with friends and family . I hope the food is and football is great, especially Saturday (I want to win badly).

Good news also, my wife has decided to join the Thanksgiving festivities here. Albeit reluctantly, but it’s a start. I’m praying it will just be simple and we can maybe chip away at some of these barriers.

Talk to you all later.

Happy Thanksgiving Volnation Friends,

RDU
 
#33

Iam4utalways

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#33
Happy Thanksgiving guys and gals I hope that each of you enjoys time with friends and family . I hope the food is and football is great, especially Saturday (I want to win badly).

Good news also, my wife has decided to join the Thanksgiving festivities here. Albeit reluctantly, but it’s a start. I’m praying it will just be simple and we can maybe chip away at some of these barriers.

Talk to you all later.

Happy Thanksgiving Volnation Friends,

RDU
That’s great news. Hang in there.
 
#39

RDU VOL#14

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#39
It’s a slow grind right now. I hate using that term, but that’s the deal. The first day felt like 5 steps in the wrong direction, I’m slowly trying to regain trust. I can’t rush it.

I appreciate y’alls support. I really do. I’m becoming resentful and angry now and I can’t let myself be that way. I’m not overt about it at all, but I’m trying to be the best, most courteous guy ever and she won’t even barely speak to me. She won’t speak to my parents barely, which is what draws my my ire. Be mad at me, I’m the ******* here, not my family.
 
#40

vollygirl

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#40
Yeah, you need to check that attitude right now. She doesn't owe you, or your family, anything from what you've said so far. Your family probably understands that better than you.

Just keep focusing on doing the right thing and remember.... YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT SHE FEELS. All you can control is what you do.
 
#41

volwindy

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#41
It’s a slow grind right now. I hate using that term, but that’s the deal. The first day felt like 5 steps in the wrong direction, I’m slowly trying to regain trust. I can’t rush it.

I appreciate y’alls support. I really do. I’m becoming resentful and angry now and I can’t let myself be that way. I’m not overt about it at all, but I’m trying to be the best, most courteous guy ever and she won’t even barely speak to me. She won’t speak to my parents barely, which is what draws my my ire. Be mad at me, I’m the ******* here, not my family.
I've been reading this thread and not responded as I haven't known what to say, but this post irks me too much to not speak up.

In laws are always in laws. If I had beef with my husband, I certainly wouldn't want to open up with my in laws. Sure I'd be cordial with them being around, but they are ultimately your blood.

Like volly said, she doesn't owe you or your family anything. She made a step by being there.
 
#42

RDU VOL#14

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#42
Yeah, you need to check that attitude right now. She doesn't owe you, or your family, anything from what you've said so far. Your family probably understands that better than you.

Just keep focusing on doing the right thing and remember.... YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT SHE FEELS. All you can control is what you do.
I’m checked. I just thought at the time a simple hello to my parents who have been very supportive of her for many years and have done nothing wrong would have been not the worst thing in the world instead of coming In the door and not speaking. I haven’t shown her any negative attitude whatsoever (nor should or can I) , I was frustrated at the time and I realize I have no leg to stand on when it comes to this situation . I am very grateful for her making a big step, but at the time it seemed like it was just making things worse. I didn’t articulate it properly and it was obviously a bad look sharing the way I was feeling at the time.

I think I gave the wrong impression here and I’m sorry if you all think lesser of me because of it.
 
#44

vollygirl

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#44
I’m checked. I just thought at the time a simple hello to my parents who have been very supportive of her for many years and have done nothing wrong would have been not the worst thing in the world instead of coming In the door and not speaking. I haven’t shown her any negative attitude whatsoever (nor should or can I) , I was frustrated at the time and I realize I have no leg to stand on when it comes to this situation . I am very grateful for her making a big step, but at the time it seemed like it was just making things worse. I didn’t articulate it properly and it was obviously a bad look sharing the way I was feeling at the time.

I think I gave the wrong impression here and I’m sorry if you all think lesser of me because of it.
I think you're in a situation that's hard as hell. And that you are going to keep trying to make it better. And we've still got your back.
 
#47

pismonque

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#47
Hope you and your wife get a gift of peace in your hearts at Christmas. I don’t know where things are with you guys now but whatever is the case, I hope the New Year finds you both on a path to happiness.

Merry Christmas.
 
#48

RDU VOL#14

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#48
Hope you and your wife get a gift of peace in your hearts at Christmas. I don’t know where things are with you guys now but whatever is the case, I hope the New Year finds you both on a path to happiness.

Merry Christmas.
Thank you, we are slowly getting back. We will get back to normal somehow. At least, I hope and pray. We did Christmas last week and I got her a Coach purse, some jewelry, a North Face jacket and some other things. I also got a down payment on an 8 day cruise next November. Keeping fingers crossed I’ll be able to make it that far, but I have to set goals. It should be an outstanding trip, visiting places we’ve never been before . There are not many that we like better than the open ocean and just enjoying one another’s company. We’ve always been very good at that. Hopefully we still are 😉
Merry Christmas!
4E605CE0-9844-4FEF-A93A-5153B51B3FBC.jpeg
 
#49

utvolpj

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#49
So you mentioned that finances were a major issue but you now seem to be spending money freely on name-only goods? Unless you've completely addressed the real issues you laid out in your first post then this seems like a big red flag. I don't think you're going to buy your way back in

I believe SDV recommended FPU in an earlier post and I would second that. It's made a big difference in my marriage and the way we handle money.
 
#50

Go aeiou

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#50
So you mentioned that finances were a major issue but you now seem to be spending money freely on name-only goods? Unless you've completely addressed the real issues you laid out in your first post then this seems like a big red flag. I don't think you're going to buy your way back in

I believe SDV recommended FPU in an earlier post and I would second that. It's made a big difference in my marriage and the way we handle money.
My thoughts exactly.
Gifts/spending money ? JMO, it's not the answer, but the problem.
 

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