I need y’alls help

#1

RDU VOL#14

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#1
It has recently come to light that I have not been forth coming about a lot of things when it has come to finances in my marriage. It’s a situation that widely got out of control and snowballed on me.

I lied to my wife, my parents, my friends, ironically I never did here. My parents are supporting me to come back from this horrible situation. My wife wants to get a divorce. I never committed any sort of adultry. I have never ever been enticed by another woman since we were engaged and married. I don’t look at other women like that. I screwed up big time, I accept total responsibility for what I’ve done and want to make it better somehow. If any of you knew me you would be shocked by this story because you would never have guessed that I was capable of being so devious. I’m seeing counselors, going to AA meetings all while battling my liver disease thanks to my previous heavy drinking and a rare genetics disorder.

I’m completely heartbroken and I know I have hurt the people I love the most and that is the worst part of it. My first goal has to be making myself better. Physically, mentally, etc. Because what good am I if I’m not good to my self?

Have any of you ever comeback from a situation similar? I’m really trying to put Faith in the Lord and give me guidance, but so far the returns aren’t good. Look, I’m a good guy and have made some horrible, deplorable choices, but I am determined to get back with my Wife. I love her more than life itself

If anyone has words of wisdom or guidance I’m all ears, and it would be much appreciated. We haven’t spoken in nearly a month and I just have to fix this. Thanks guys and gals, I really did it on this one.

Thank you if read the whole thing,

Rdu Vol#14
 
#2
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#2
First of all you admit your problems and mistakes. I'm no counselor but I'd say that's a GREAT start to the recovery process. I've had some rough bumps in the marriage road in the past and we made it thru them by just being honest to each other finally. Talk to your wife, confess to everything and hopefully things will work out for you guys in the long run. Prayers for this situation and your fight with liver disease my Vol friend.
 
#4

joevol33

trampoline king
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#4
I do a Bible study at a recovery home every other Tuesday morning, it's for drugs and alcohol, and just did it today. For the past 4-5 times I've been using "who am I", from where Moses asked that to God. Today I did a lesson on who am I at the crossing, where fear meets faith. It was about when they were at the red sea, and the army was behind them. They were very afraid because of the circumstances, but told to just stand still and wait on God. They had two choices, react in their fear, or react in faith. They chose faith, despite how it looked they ended up waiting and we're delivered. I know some will scoff at this, and I don't mind. I just shared it in hopes of maybe helping you a little. I know it may feel bad, and feel like your world is crumbling. If you're truly seeking God's help, then I think you have that same scenario, to react with either fear or faith. Just keep praying man, don't let the fear be bigger than the faith. I know many of us here will sincerely be praying for you. You've already been heading in the right direction. I shared this just to encourage you to keep holding on, hope it helps.
 
#5

UCVols

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#5
I do a Bible study at a recovery home every other Tuesday morning, it's for drugs and alcohol, and just did it today. For the past 4-5 times I've been using "who am I", from where Moses asked that to God. Today I did a lesson on who am I at the crossing, where fear meets faith. It was about when they were at the red sea, and the army was behind them. They were very afraid because of the circumstances, but told to just stand still and wait on God. They had two choices, react in their fear, or react in faith. They chose faith, despite how it looked they ended up waiting and we're delivered. I know some will scoff at this, and I don't mind. I just shared it in hopes of maybe helping you a little. I know it may feel bad, and feel like your world is crumbling. If you're truly seeking God's help, then I think you have that same scenario, to react with either fear or faith. Just keep praying man, don't let the fear be bigger than the faith. I know many of us here will sincerely be praying for you. You've already been heading in the right direction. I shared this just to encourage you to keep holding on, hope it helps.
Amen.

To the OP:

Fear, man, I can not stand being fearful. But often times, when we are at our wits end is when we let it go. Praying for you, man.

"...see the salvation of the Lord.....The LORD shall fight for you, and he shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:13-14
 
#6

volfannbama

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#6
There is a book called what did you expect. Id pick up a couple of copies, give your wife one and see if she will read it with you.


For you, there is a website called desiring God. It's the page of John Piper. Click sermons, and get to listening. Start with Lionhearted and Lamblike both parts. Then go to Adam where are you. And go from there. Not sure what it's worth but seems to work well.

Good luck
 
#8

jp1

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#8
Scripture of the day 2 days ago made me think of your situation OP, and that of every single believer out there.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
James 1:2‭-‬3 NIV
 
#9

RDU VOL#14

Collinsworth Slide
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#9
I want to thank each and every one of you all for your responses. I woke up this morning absolutely cringing at the idea that I kind of put all my cards on the table on here . I value anonymity, and don't really want to say much more as far as where I currently live. I'm sure @Rollinsvol your intentions are good, but I just don't want disclose certain things I have so many peaks and valleys right now that I'm still processing, and it's a lot to kind of take in. I've started very small as far as taking care of myself. Simple things that I have neglected. Going to the dentist, eye doctor, just stupid stuff . Luckily, as ill as I have been there's not a whole lot that's been really wrong.

As I said, thank you for your responses and value your opinions. So now, I'm just trying to use sports, books, tv series and other things to redirect my attention from my vices and troubles. I hope when you guys see me in some other forums you won't think less of me because it might seem I'm not concentrating on this particular aspect of my life. It's a great distraction for me. Thank you again.

GO VOLS!
 
#12

pismonque

Bury me in Orcadian peat
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#12
OP, any efforts you make at amends can have a chance at success ONLY if you are completely honest with yourself first. Why did you do it? What made you put yourself ahead of your wife (and family?) to the point that you were willing to deceive them for so long? Can you change your fundamental thinking and the way you value your loved ones relative to yourself?

If you can’t answer such questions in complete honesty to yourself, you’re wasting everyone’s time. If you can, and you’re willing to share that honesty with your wife, maybe she can see something in there that makes her give you the benefit of the doubt. Otherwise, all she’ll ever have with you is a constant nagging suspicion (or assumption) that you’re actively deceiving her about something or another. And a marriage can’t survive that way.

I sincerely hope you can find your way.
 
#13

RDU VOL#14

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#13
OP, any efforts you make at amends can have a chance at success ONLY if you are completely honest with yourself first. Why did you do it? What made you put yourself ahead of your wife (and family?) to the point that you were willing to deceive them for so long? Can you change your fundamental thinking and the way you value your loved ones relative to yourself?

If you can’t answer such questions in complete honesty to yourself, you’re wasting everyone’s time. If you can, and you’re willing to share that honesty with your wife, maybe she can see something in there that makes her give you the benefit of the doubt. Otherwise, all she’ll ever have with you is a constant nagging suspicion (or assumption) that you’re actively deceiving her about something or another. And a marriage can’t survive that way.

I sincerely hope you can find your way.
I appeciate your last remarks. I agree with you that I have to be honest with myself. It's hard to answer those questions you asked because sometimes you dig yourself into a hole, a rut, however you don't now how to describe it. It's something that I don't think is very simply black and white. That's not a BS answer, it's just how I am right now.

We've never made the most of our potential, and most of that is my fault. I lost my job as we were buying a house, we lost a baby due to a miscarriage and couldn't figure it out how that would work even though we have tried . All in the last 14 months. The positive pregnancy test was the proudest moment of my life. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't think I still have recovered. I still have the Power T onesie and binky buried in one of my clothes drawers because I believe it's still possible.

I have this BS liver crap because I have this genetic thing, coupled with the fact that I just probably enjoyed Jack just a bit too much and it has been very hard to comprehend and change my lifestyle . I certainly wasn't an Angel by any stretch, but I certainly wasn't a fall down down drunk either.

I've gone down a bad path and I am grateful that I can express what my feelings and experiences are with you all. Thank you for your support. Maybe at some point I can give you guys and gals a little better insight to who I am, and it may or may not give you some more confidence into understanding this situation. I kind of regret bringing this out, but at the same, time Volnation has always been there. From college until now.

I'm am an insomniac again, so that's why this post is at 3:15 est.

Thank you all for your responses, positive outlooks, and know that I really am grateful for your support.

See you later today. And great start for the Vols tonight, and awesome start for big blue nation tonight. Haha

Let's circle the wagons on Saturday and wreck their season.

Thanks,

GO VOLS
 
#14

SDV

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#14
I’ve made some real mistakes in life. When trying to regain another person’s trust, actions speak louder than words. I’d highly recommend watching the movie Fireproof. The acting is a little cheesy but has a great message. I’d also highly recommend taking Financial Peace University. Encourage her to do it with you. It will completely change the way you think about money. I hope all works out well for you and your wife. I’ll pray for you
 
#15

joevol33

trampoline king
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#15
I’ve made some real mistakes in life. When trying to regain another person’s trust, actions speak louder than words. I’d highly recommend watching the movie Fireproof. The acting is a little cheesy but has a great message. I’d also highly recommend taking Financial Peace University. Encourage her to do it with you. It will completely change the way you think about money. I hope all works out well for you and your wife. I’ll pray for you
Agree on fireproof. Cheesy or not with the acting, it's a great movie about marriage.
 
#16

kiddiedoc

Renaissance Man
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#16
I would HIGHLY recommend the book "Victory Over the Darkness" by Neil Anderson. It will dispel many falsehoods that the world and human nature probably have convinced you to believe about yourself and your relationship to God. A full understanding of your position with Him and the love that He has for us is foundational for recovery and the start of a new walk in truth.

Honestly, it's quite possibly the most impactful book I've ever read, and multiple friends that have read it agree.

Good luck, brother.
 
#17

vollygirl

GO VOLS!!!
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#17
Also agree on Fireproof.

Taking that a step further, I cannot recommend highly enough "Family Life: Weekend to Remember". Weekend to Remember | FamilyLife®

I've posted about it here before. I have seen, first hand, a friend's marriage saved when her husband convinced her to go. I pay for my son and his wife to go every year as an anniversary gift to them. And my husband and I go every year. I cannot express how valuable I think it is in keeping a marriage strong. I hope you'll consider it. Praying for you and your wife.
 
#19

RollinVol

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#19
I want to thank each and every one of you all for your responses. I woke up this morning absolutely cringing at the idea that I kind of put all my cards on the table on here . I value anonymity, and don't really want to say much more as far as where I currently live. I'm sure @Rollinsvol your intentions are good, but I just don't want disclose certain things I have so many peaks and valleys right now that I'm still processing, and it's a lot to kind of take in. I've started very small as far as taking care of myself. Simple things that I have neglected. Going to the dentist, eye doctor, just stupid stuff . Luckily, as ill as I have been there's not a whole lot that's been really wrong.

As I said, thank you for your responses and value your opinions. So now, I'm just trying to use sports, books, tv series and other things to redirect my attention from my vices and troubles. I hope when you guys see me in some other forums you won't think less of me because it might seem I'm not concentrating on this particular aspect of my life. It's a great distraction for me. Thank you again.

GO VOLS!

I completely respect your wanting your anonymity. As a minister I have built a network of marriage counselors that I truly respect. And some people who are good financial people. I would be more than willing to get you hooked up with them if you want to seek that avenue, depending on where you live.
 
#20

RDU VOL#14

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#20
I completely respect your wanting your anonymity. As a minister I have built a network of marriage counselors that I truly respect. And some people who are good financial people. I would be more than willing to get you hooked up with them if you want to seek that avenue, depending on where you live.
Thank you very much, that is incredibly kind.

It’s cold nights like tonight where you have those small things . She would always put her feet under my calves to get warm and put her freezing butt against my hip, and then I would have our 2 kitties attached on my hip. At the time it’s kind of a nuisance, but when it’s not there any longer you would do whatever to try and recreate that .
 
#21

508mikey

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#21
I appeciate your last remarks. I agree with you that I have to be honest with myself. It's hard to answer those questions you asked because sometimes you dig yourself into a hole, a rut, however you don't now how to describe it. It's something that I don't think is very simply black and white. That's not a BS answer, it's just how I am right now.

We've never made the most of our potential, and most of that is my fault. I lost my job as we were buying a house, we lost a baby due to a miscarriage and couldn't figure it out how that would work even though we have tried . All in the last 14 months. The positive pregnancy test was the proudest moment of my life. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't think I still have recovered. I still have the Power T onesie and binky buried in one of my clothes drawers because I believe it's still possible.

I have this BS liver crap because I have this genetic thing, coupled with the fact that I just probably enjoyed Jack just a bit too much and it has been very hard to comprehend and change my lifestyle . I certainly wasn't an Angel by any stretch, but I certainly wasn't a fall down down drunk either.

I've gone down a bad path and I am grateful that I can express what my feelings and experiences are with you all. Thank you for your support. Maybe at some point I can give you guys and gals a little better insight to who I am, and it may or may not give you some more confidence into understanding this situation. I kind of regret bringing this out, but at the same, time Volnation has always been there. From college until now.

I'm am an insomniac again, so that's why this post is at 3:15 est.

Thank you all for your responses, positive outlooks, and know that I really am grateful for your support.

See you later today. And great start for the Vols tonight, and awesome start for big blue nation tonight. Haha

Let's circle the wagons on Saturday and wreck their season.

Thanks,

GO VOLS
Your wife may quietly, be having some trouble with depression - it happens quite often after a miscarriage -- I wouldnt know what advice to give you about how to go about asking her about it -- Maybe your counselor would know more. Take things one day at a time and I hope it gets better for you
 
#22

Carl Pickens

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#22
I want to thank each and every one of you all for your responses. I woke up this morning absolutely cringing at the idea that I kind of put all my cards on the table on here . I value anonymity, and don't really want to say much more as far as where I currently live. I'm sure @Rollinsvol your intentions are good, but I just don't want disclose certain things I have so many peaks and valleys right now that I'm still processing, and it's a lot to kind of take in. I've started very small as far as taking care of myself. Simple things that I have neglected. Going to the dentist, eye doctor, just stupid stuff . Luckily, as ill as I have been there's not a whole lot that's been really wrong.

As I said, thank you for your responses and value your opinions. So now, I'm just trying to use sports, books, tv series and other things to redirect my attention from my vices and troubles. I hope when you guys see me in some other forums you won't think less of me because it might seem I'm not concentrating on this particular aspect of my life. It's a great distraction for me. Thank you again.

GO VOLS!
People that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones ..... or have sex during the day.... no one is perfect.... just remember that
 
#23

RDU VOL#14

Collinsworth Slide
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#23
People that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones ..... or have sex during the day.... no one is perfect.... just remember that
I would take sex at any point of the day right now it’s been so long. Hahah.
That’s pretty good man.

In all seriousness, I just want a chance. I may have totally, totally ****ed this situation, but I’ve always been there when it’s counted. Basically meaning, I’ve screwed up some huge things, no infidelity at all, but I’ve always been there without hesitation for bad test results for family members , deaths and other things that arise as part of being a person and certainly being a spouse.

We’ve done our best to hide our problems behind the guise of my health for over a month, but there is only so much we can do before she doesn’t arrive for Thanksgiving next week. I’m beyond terrified. It would almost be easier if she were seeing someone else for the sake of showing my face around family and friends.Not that I want that, at all. Next week will just be a new threshold to cross and I am completely out of ********. So I guess once again, pay the dues that I most certainly owe to those that love me the most.

My dad has always said doing the hardest thing is usually the right thing. I should’ve listened a long time ago. He was right. Not that I didn’t already know that. The man is incredibly smart.
 
#24

Carl Pickens

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#24
I would take sex at any point of the day right now it’s been so long. Hahah.
That’s pretty good man.

In all seriousness, I just want a chance. I may have totally, totally ****ed this situation, but I’ve always been there when it’s counted. Basically meaning, I’ve screwed up some huge things, no infidelity at all, but I’ve always been there without hesitation for bad test results for family members , deaths and other things that arise as part of being a person and certainly being a spouse.

We’ve done our best to hide our problems behind the guise of my health for over a month, but there is only so much we can do before she doesn’t arrive for Thanksgiving next week. I’m beyond terrified. It would almost be easier if she were seeing someone else for the sake of showing my face around family and friends.Not that I want that, at all. Next week will just be a new threshold to cross and I am completely out of ********. So I guess once again, pay the dues that I most certainly owe to those that love me the most.

My dad has always said doing the hardest thing is usually the right thing. I should’ve listened a long time ago. He was right. Not that I didn’t already know that. The man is incredibly smart.
So I'm assuming you've been in charge of paying the bills and etc. and she found out you're running a hefty deficit?.....or have you been misleading her along the way? I have a very close friend that I've known as long as I can remember that is in this same predicament, but his wife doesn't know yet. His situation finally jumped up and slapped him in the face and he's been freaking out for the last couple of months. I've tried to help him because he's a brother to me, but I don't know how.
 
#25

RDU VOL#14

Collinsworth Slide
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#25
So I'm assuming you've been in charge of paying the bills and etc. and she found out you're running a hefty deficit?.....or have you been misleading her along the way? I have a very close friend that I've known as long as I can remember that is in this same predicament, but his wife doesn't know yet. His situation finally jumped up and slapped him in the face and he's been freaking out for the last couple of months. I've tried to help him because he's a brother to me, but I don't know how.
That’s sort of the gist of it. My family pretty much kicked my ass, but at the same time has been supportive because they believe in me. I have a lot to prove, obviously. I’m doing a lot to improve myself and I’m not sure it will be enough in my wife’s eyes. I can assure each and every one of you I’m not a mean spirited or bad person, but that doesn’t excuse my poor choices. You are who you are, especially when no one is watching.

These next few weeks will be incredibly trying for everyone because of the Holidays. I’m doing everything I can to not allow my marriage to be gone . We shall see.
 

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