Flamparadiddle
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2022
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Ah, college football: the only place where a 45-year-old accountant with a mortgage can reasonably justify screaming death threats at a 19-year-old for missing a field goal, all while unironically wearing a synthetic polyester onesie.
Here is a brief look at the logic of the modern Saturday devotee:
1. The "Amateurism" Mirage
Fans will spend $400 on a ticket and $150 on "officially licensed" parking to watch a "pure" sport that they insist shouldn't be "ruined by money." They’ll call a player "greedy" for wanting a car through an NIL deal, then immediately demand their university spend $90 million to fire a coach who went 8-4.
2. The Moral High Ground (Adjustable)
The average fan is a paragon of virtue—until a 5-star recruit with a checkered past commits to their school. Suddenly, they’re the world’s leading experts on "second chances" and "youthful indiscretions." If that same recruit flips to a rival school? He’s a "thug" who is "poisoning the locker room."
3. The Unhinged Emotional Scale
* The Win: "We are the greatest institution of higher learning on the planet. I am personally responsible for this victory because I didn't wash my socks."
* The Loss: "Burn the stadium. Fire the band director. The referee is clearly on the payroll of a secret deep-state booster club from the neighboring state."
4. Education is... Also There
Nothing highlights the academic prestige of a Top 25 university quite like a chemistry professor having to pause their lecture because the "Go Dawgs" chants from the quad are rattling the beakers. To the fan, the "student" part of "student-athlete" is a lovely little detail that should never, under any circumstances, interfere with a Tuesday afternoon practice.
It truly is a beautiful, tax-exempt ecosystem of madness.
Here is a brief look at the logic of the modern Saturday devotee:
1. The "Amateurism" Mirage
Fans will spend $400 on a ticket and $150 on "officially licensed" parking to watch a "pure" sport that they insist shouldn't be "ruined by money." They’ll call a player "greedy" for wanting a car through an NIL deal, then immediately demand their university spend $90 million to fire a coach who went 8-4.
2. The Moral High Ground (Adjustable)
The average fan is a paragon of virtue—until a 5-star recruit with a checkered past commits to their school. Suddenly, they’re the world’s leading experts on "second chances" and "youthful indiscretions." If that same recruit flips to a rival school? He’s a "thug" who is "poisoning the locker room."
3. The Unhinged Emotional Scale
* The Win: "We are the greatest institution of higher learning on the planet. I am personally responsible for this victory because I didn't wash my socks."
* The Loss: "Burn the stadium. Fire the band director. The referee is clearly on the payroll of a secret deep-state booster club from the neighboring state."
4. Education is... Also There
Nothing highlights the academic prestige of a Top 25 university quite like a chemistry professor having to pause their lecture because the "Go Dawgs" chants from the quad are rattling the beakers. To the fan, the "student" part of "student-athlete" is a lovely little detail that should never, under any circumstances, interfere with a Tuesday afternoon practice.
It truly is a beautiful, tax-exempt ecosystem of madness.
