I Lost Her

#184
#184
dduncan4163 said:
Okay, this will be the third time I've attempted this and I really hope I can let it all out. Here goes

After a 15 month fight Laura's battle with Leukemia came to an end March 23 at 3pm. She took her final breath at home in my arms surrounded by our oldest son Dennis and her mother and sisters. There was no pain and she was at peace. She began taking a turn for the worst around the 15th. We went to Vanderbilt for a infusion and her counts had completely cratered. They gave her two units of blood and they wanted to admit her into the hospital. She freaked out and looked me in the eyes and said" Baby please don't make me go back into the hospital. I can't do hospitals anymore. I just want to be at home." It gutted me because that was the moment I knew she had nothing left in the tank. I could not tell you how long I held her and wept in that office. She got the blood and for 6 days she could walk, drive and live a relatively normal life. Then she started hacking up mucus and I took her to our local doctor and we found out she'd developed Fungal Pneumonia and her immune system was non existent. We knew that was it and she looked at me and said don't let me die in a hospital. I want to die at home. We contacted Hospice and I brought her home and called to get her family here from Arkansas. The hospice nurse gave me meds to keep her pain and anxiety at bay but I barely had to use them because once everyone got here she was at peace. The next morning she lost consciousness and at 3pm she finally found her eternal peace. Me and Dennis dressed her in her favorite tie die bandana and sweater and just held her and listened to herfavorite songs till they came and removed her.

My son is only 16 and he would not leave her side. I didn't want him to have to see what he saw but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He's so strong, mature and responsible. He's wise beyond his years and I'm so amazed and thankful I can call him my son. I just hate that he had to grow up so fast. It just isn't fair. Our kids have been through hell and there wasn't anything that could change that brutal reality. They are bouncing back though. Just like their mother they're made of strong stuff.

I have just kind of existed these past 11 days. Yesterday was my first real meltdown. The kids were in school and for the first time the silence in this house became deafening. I forgot she was gone for a moment and called out to her asking if she wanted some Chinese take out for lunch. When she didn't answer I realized I had completely left reality for a minute. She was supposed to be in that living room writing letters and painting like she always does. It hit me like a semi truck. She's gone and she's never coming back. She's the first thought each morning and last each night. I'll wake up at night and reach out for her only to realize her side of the bed is empty. I have never felt so empty. The best part of me is missing. She was my smile. She was my laughter. She was my everything. My lover and my sweetest friend. I've lost so many family and friends through the years but I have never experienced grief like this. I didn't know pain like this could exist. My kids are the only things keeping me going. If we had never had kids I know I wouldn't survive this. I wanted to go with her and I still do. Colors are dull now. Everything tastes bland and even the simplest of tasks can become overwhelming. The pain just won't stop. The only reprieve I can get is being with my kids. They are four pieces of her that I still have. I see her every time I look at them. I made her a promise that I would see this through and raise them and that's a promise I will keep.

Laura baby I never deserved you. and I will never know why you chose me. You taught me how to love and be loved. You taught me how to be human and showed me that feeling didn't equal weakness. You taught me to love myself and showed me how to make bonds. I was a feral dog you turned into a life long companion. You saved me baby. You saved my life. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. but I will. I just miss you so damn much. You took my heart with you. I still can't believe your gone. I wish I could have taken the cancer from you. Why did it have to be you? Why wasn't it me? I never wanted to be on this side of it. I couldn't protect you from this. I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so damn sorry.

I'm never going to stop missing you. I'm never going to love again. You were my soul mate. You were my true love. We had something that most never get to experience. We were two souls that became one. You were the best part of me.

Goodbye my Love




It's humiliating to have to ask but I did have to start one final GoFundMe for burial expenses. I was able to save a good chunk and they were gracious enough to set up payment plans. I should have been better prepared for this. and I'm so damn sorry I got my hand back out. I promise this is the last time and thank you all all the support you have given us over these past 15 months. The weekly trips to Vanderbilt, babysitters, and missed work just drained what little resources we had.

Click here to support Laura's Burial Fund organized by Dennis Duncan

Well Nation there it is. I actually got it all out. I'm back from here on out. Volnation is my first step towards resuming life.. I don't think I would have kept my drive and sanity without you guys. Yall kept me grounded and focused so I could take care of her. Yall keep me standing. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. I will forever remain indebted you each of you. I love you all with all my being.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife unexpectedly last February to a brain aneurysm. I wish I could tell u it gets easier but it hasn't for me so far. My kids are what keep me going and I hope it will for u too. If u ever need to talk contact me on here
 
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#189
#189
VolNate said:
I hugged my wife a little harder today and kissed her a bit longer. Your post should remind us all of what’s truly important in this life.
God’s grace will be there for you and your kids. Prayers for you, my brother.
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Doing the same here. In my mid 50’s and still have to remind myself daily how fragile life is. God bless this family and all of Volnation for we all will deal with this in some form or fashion.
 
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#190
#190
DD, I feel your pain and tears, may the Lord thy God be with you and give you his love, his comfort and his strength.
God bless you and your son, I’m praying for you and your family, I’m so very sorry for your loss.
 
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#192
#192
I lost mine 12/15/15. So many of your words--brutally honest, yet tender--could have been mine about my wife/friend/partner. We're blessed to have known such love. You're right. Few men do.

Just get yourself through these days and nights. Don't resent the pain. We wouldn't feel such loss if we hadn't been so blessed. And take heart: healing does come, eventually. Normal--a new normal--quietly rearranges the furniture and makes a home in your head, as will laughter and smiles and true enjoyment.

Laura changed who you are as a man. Don't surrender those changes. Like your kids, you're her living memorial, too. Keep building on the legacy she left you.

But for the moment, the best advice I ever received was: when the tears come, let 'em come! Don't try to "edit" them. Don't try to shut 'em down or hold 'em back. Turn it loose like a TVA dam in spring. Sometimes the tears just seem to rush up from your feet and overwhelm you. Sometimes they tiptoe in, giving you time to "find some privacy." But however and whenever they come, let the tears wash clean your insides. They won't steal your memories; they are your friends for the next couple of years. You'll feel better for it, each time.

Read the little book on the grief process. And determine to read it again once a month, for a couple of years. Each time you'll see new things in old, familiar words. You won't feel so lost. And it'll give you the words to explain yourself to your kids. They will observe and be stronger, wiser adults because of it.

And life is going to surprise you. You may encounter feelings of infatuation for someone much, MUCH sooner than you'd have ever thought possible. If it happens, don't lean into it--slam your feet on the brakes! Unless she's been a close and special friend for years before, only a troubled, insecure woman is going to go after a man when he's vulnerable and susceptible.

After a few months, you may feel like you've entered your second adolescence. And that's accurate. "Who am I, now that I'm not Laura's husband?" In many ways, you really are starting over. Who have you been becoming since you met Laura and became a father? There's a lot of self-discovery waiting for you. You'll begin to remember and question things about how you grew up. Go with it. Your kids will also benefit.

Just promise yourself you won't take any shortcuts answering that question of who am I. The temptation will be to let someone else tell you or define you, just as Laura's love changed and revealed your potentials years ago. Or to passively let yourself be defined by your role as a father. Better to do the heavy lifting yourself. Get a counselor/coach or books to help guide you. But don't be defined by another woman or your children. This task is between you and God.

But for now, tears are your friends, your best medicine, and your lifeline to sanity--though there will be times when you'll think, "If I don't stop crying I'll go insane." It's okay. Deep inside, slow healing has already begun. Join your friends and volnation acquaintances in asking God to bless you, Dennis. I promise, He wants to.
 
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#200
#200
You did all you could, Dunc. Man, I was praying and hoping she could beat this. And I know you feel buried in grief. But you know what? When you look back on all you did? You did right by her. You can look yourself in the mirror and know you gave her your all. And in her last moments, she was in your arms where she felt at peace. That won't ease your grief for awhile, but in time? You will find peace because you didn't let her down. You did right by her. God has her now. And he has your back too. Trust in him, and he will make you whole again. Once you get there? You will know a big good part of her will still be with you. And it will comfort you.
 
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