The Grude News, the morning edition. For those just joining us...
Today we received insider information from highly placed sources within the UT Administration and a transcript of the conversations had between members of that community. Those with small children and Gator fans should take the time to remove them from the room.
The two individuals identified in this transcript are UT Chancellor Beverly Davenport and a senior aide.
{Bev} "Excuse me, why is the email server down again?"
{Aide} "Madam Chancellor, we got hit with another surge of 142,000 emails in about ten minutes last night."
{Bev} "Those alumni at it again?"
{Aide} "Yes, Madam."
{Bev} "Yeah, my phone quit again from Twitter bombardment. Can you let IT know I need another one for the fourth time this week?"
{Aide} "Yes, Madam."
{Bev} "So, give me the breakdown..."
{Aide} "Normal day it seems. The idea to outsource the reading to the firm in India seemed to be doing a little better catching up on the past emails, but their servers caught fire after we sent them the files and they attempted to download them. But the numbers they had were: 97% wanted Currie to eat a bag of flaming dog poo, 24% want him fired yesterday and 0.0083% said he was doing a fine job and we should keep him for at least ten years."
{Bev} "Wait, that's more than 100%"
{Aide} "We're still catching up."
{Bev} "Right, and those 0.0083%?"
{Aide} "Traced back to various Athletic Departments from Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama, Butch Jones and some person named Catbone."
{Bev} "Catbone?"
{Aide} "We don't know either. But he keeps sending pictures of himself as well."
{Bev} "Pictures?"
{Aide} "You really don't want to know..."
{Bev} "Anything else?"
{Aide} "Yes, some woman named Sara has now set the record for contacting head coaches directly on Twitter. She appears to be a Tennessee fan."
{Bev} "Something we can use?"
{Aide} "I'd think that might not be the wisest choice..."
{Bev} "Okay..."
{Aide} "We do think we got some encoded traffic meant for the CIA or NSA last night as well. We sent it over to them to attempt to decipher, but they are having a hard time making it out as well. Could be the Russians."
{Bev} "Russians? That Cuddly Bear thing?"
{Aide} "No, another animal this time. Was a solid wall of random text from an anonymous person only identified as 'Ape.' We're still waiting to hear back."
{Bev} "Nothing else?"
{Aide} "We received another 35 emails from Les Miles begging for the job. Another from Derek Dooley just laughing at us and 19 high school coaches already took their names out of the running before being asked."
{Bev} "Currie still out in Idaho looking for a coach?"
{Aide} "We think he's moved on to Laos."
{Bev} "As in Southeast Asia?"
{Aide} "They have a very active recreation league in a town named Lak Sao."
{Bev} "Not sure the boosters are going to buy off on that."
{Aide} "At least they aren't laughing before hanging up on him. Though we aren't sure if that happened or not since translation was kind of tricky with their regional dialect and someone named Dudley doing the translation."
{Bev} "Problems?"
{Aide} "He was using Google translate and trying to teach them how to say 'flaming bag of dog poo' before we cut him off."
{Bev} "Anything else?"
{Aide} "Sorry to say, every PR firm we talked to has turned us down on that emergency contract to shore up our image. Some even said they'd rather represent the coaches and offered their work pro bono to another school if Currie contacts them."
{Bev} [audible sigh and grunt]
{Aide} "Sorry, Madam."
{Bev} "No, it's not you. Nothing else?"
{Aide} "No ma'am, the same as it was yesterday."
From the entire Volnation News Team, I'm Grand Vol and There's not a single flashlight app that's not spying on you right now.
(All information herein is specifically parody unless otherwise indicated by real posters or events)