Trust and Spouses

#1

n_huffhines

What's it gonna cost?
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#1
I'm wondering what is normal behavior? I have a few questions and then the drama is below if you want context for why I'm asking:

Would you be concerned if your wife and her friends spent a good deal of their time *****ing about you or is that just what wives do?

Do you keep things from your spouse? What kind of things and why?

Do you check your spouse's phone, either secretly or with them knowing?

Context:
My wife and I have friends that we are concerned about. The wives in the group are always *****ing about their husbands and my wife doesn't really like to hang out with them unless the guys are around because of it.

Couple 1 are our best friends in the group.

Wife 2 is pretty much cheating on her husband and I guess he is moving out. Wife 1 told my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband? Why not?

Wife 3 is pretty unhappy with her husband. Not sure if it's gossip getting blown out of proportion or if they are actually in trouble. Wife 1 tells my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband.

Husband 4 is a cheater and all the wives hate him for it, despite the fact that they are all hiding that wife 2 is cheating. He even hit on wife 1. Another thing I'm not supposed to know about and her husband doesn't know.

I think couple 1 and couple 3 can be saved but I feel like we need to get them away from the group. Maybe I'm just over-reacting because it's not how our relationship works and those 2 are just fine?
 
#2
#2
I don't hide anything from my wife, not on purpose anyway. I like to think she doesn't from me. She doesn't seem to, but she is very cautious with her phone. That's probably because every time she falls asleep, I'll get on her Facebook and post Georgia sucks. Neither of us get mad for the other talking to someone and stuff like that. We haven't had a lot of experience with friends being unfaithful like you mentioned. She did have a sister who was cheating a few years ago, and I worked with her husband. My wife is straight forward with rights is right, and wrong is wrong no matter who it is. Her sister told her she was gonna trash their house and call the cops like he did it so it would look bad on him in the court/custody hearing. My wife told me to tell him cause he was a good guy, and it was wrong. I told him and he told the cops, and they busted her trashing the place. It was pretty funny to me, even though she hated me (and still kinda does) for it😬. Not close to your situation, but I thought I'd share.
 
#3
#3
I'm wondering what is normal behavior? I have a few questions and then the drama is below if you want context for why I'm asking:

Would you be concerned if your wife and her friends spent a good deal of their time *****ing about you or is that just what wives do?

Do you keep things from your spouse? What kind of things and why?

Do you check your spouse's phone, either secretly or with them knowing?

Context:
My wife and I have friends that we are concerned about. The wives in the group are always *****ing about their husbands and my wife doesn't really like to hang out with them unless the guys are around because of it.

Couple 1 are our best friends in the group.

Wife 2 is pretty much cheating on her husband and I guess he is moving out. Wife 1 told my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband? Why not?

Wife 3 is pretty unhappy with her husband. Not sure if it's gossip getting blown out of proportion or if they are actually in trouble. Wife 1 tells my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband.

Husband 4 is a cheater and all the wives hate him for it, despite the fact that they are all hiding that wife 2 is cheating. He even hit on wife 1. Another thing I'm not supposed to know about and her husband doesn't know.

I think couple 1 and couple 3 can be saved but I feel like we need to get them away from the group. Maybe I'm just over-reacting because it's not how our relationship works and those 2 are just fine?

Wives *****ing about their husbands is just nature, be concerned if she's not.

No

No, I haven't had a reason to not trust her.

My only advice is to as best you can stay out of the women drama, cut ties with the husband that's cheating on his wife and don't worry so much. If your wife has given you reason to question her faithfulness, it's probably too late. If she hasn't then treat her like she deserves regardless what her friends are doing.
 
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#4
#4
I don't hide anything from my wife, not on purpose anyway. I like to think she doesn't from me. She doesn't seem to, but she is very cautious with her phone. That's probably because every time she falls asleep, I'll get on her Facebook and post Georgia sucks. Neither of us get mad for the other talking to someone and stuff like that. We haven't had a lot of experience with friends being unfaithful like you mentioned. She did have a sister who was cheating a few years ago, and I worked with her husband. My wife is straight forward with rights is right, and wrong is wrong no matter who it is. Her sister told her she was gonna trash their house and call the cops like he did it so it would look bad on him in the court/custody hearing. My wife told me to tell him cause he was a good guy, and it was wrong. I told him and he told the cops, and they busted her trashing the place. It was pretty funny to me, even though she hated me (and still kinda does) for it��. Not close to your situation, but I thought I'd share.

Sounds like you got a good lady...

I'm in sort of the same boat where part of me feels like I should tell husband 2 that his wife is cheating. He thinks they've just "grown apart" because that's the story she is trying to sell him.

We're the newest couple to the group and I really don't feel like I should be the one to break it to him. We'll never hang out again, not that he'd be mad at me...he'll just remember me as the guy who told him his wife was a cheater.

The only true friend I feel like I'm letting down is husband 1 because I haven't told him husband 4 hit on his wife...but if I tell him then wife 1 and my wife are not cool anymore.

It's so stupid.
 
#5
#5
I'm wondering what is normal behavior? I have a few questions and then the drama is below if you want context for why I'm asking:

Would you be concerned if your wife and her friends spent a good deal of their time *****ing about you or is that just what wives do?

Do you keep things from your spouse? What kind of things and why?

Do you check your spouse's phone, either secretly or with them knowing?

Context:
My wife and I have friends that we are concerned about. The wives in the group are always *****ing about their husbands and my wife doesn't really like to hang out with them unless the guys are around because of it.

Couple 1 are our best friends in the group.

Wife 2 is pretty much cheating on her husband and I guess he is moving out. Wife 1 told my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband? Why not?

Wife 3 is pretty unhappy with her husband. Not sure if it's gossip getting blown out of proportion or if they are actually in trouble. Wife 1 tells my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband.

Husband 4 is a cheater and all the wives hate him for it, despite the fact that they are all hiding that wife 2 is cheating. He even hit on wife 1. Another thing I'm not supposed to know about and her husband doesn't know.

I think couple 1 and couple 3 can be saved but I feel like we need to get them away from the group. Maybe I'm just over-reacting because it's not how our relationship works and those 2 are just fine?

I think this is all bs from your wife. She is testing you to see if you'll tell someone or post it on the Internet.
 
#6
#6
Sounds like you got a good lady...

I'm in sort of the same boat where part of me feels like I should tell husband 2 that his wife is cheating. He thinks they've just "grown apart" because that's the story she is trying to sell him.

We're the newest couple to the group and I really don't feel like I should be the one to break it to him. We'll never hang out again, not that he'd be mad at me...he'll just remember me as the guy who told him his wife was a cheater.

The only true friend I feel like I'm letting down is husband 1 because I haven't told him husband 4 hit on his wife...but if I tell him then wife 1 and my wife are not cool anymore.

It's so stupid.

I hate being in a spot, and you sound like you are.
 
#7
#7
I was kidding huff. Do you have kids? Do any in your circle have kids?
 
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#9
#9
I would run away from all that drama.

To your questions:

No. People need to vent.

Not intentionally.

No. Reverse is also no for her.
 
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#10
#10
Cut off ties with husband #4. You will be guilty by association. A group of people (especially gossiping women) can convince themselves of anything whether it's true or not.

It doesn't matter if one of the wives is cheating. Good luck.
 
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#12
#12
Cut off ties with husband #4. You will be guilty by association. A group of people (especially gossiping women) can convince themselves of anything whether it's true or not.

It doesn't matter if one of the wives is cheating. Good luck.

Yeah, the way we play it, this shouldn't be a concern. The guys go out to the club sometimes and I'm like "see ya".
 
#15
#15
Sound like a couple of you and your wife's friends just need to work out their own problems I'd try to steer clear. To answer your first questions: 1. I don't think complaining about ones spouse is bad, just depends on the context of it. People need to get stuff off their chest sometimes is all. 2. Never attempted to hide anything. 3. I did once check my ex wife's phone, after our marriage had started to really have issues. Unfortunately found what I expected so don't really feel bad for doing it.
 
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#17
#17
I'm wondering what is normal behavior? I have a few questions and then the drama is below if you want context for why I'm asking:

Would you be concerned if your wife and her friends spent a good deal of their time *****ing about you or is that just what wives do? Many if not most do that...kind of like we do about them on the golf course.

Do you keep things from your spouse? What kind of things and why? No - no need.

Do you check your spouse's phone, either secretly or with them knowing? No - if either of us doesn't trust the other, then there are bigger probs than what's on phone.

Context:
My wife and I have friends that we are concerned about. The wives in the group are always *****ing about their husbands and my wife doesn't really like to hang out with them unless the guys are around because of it.

Couple 1 are our best friends in the group.

Wife 2 is pretty much cheating on her husband and I guess he is moving out. Wife 1 told my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband? Why not?

Wife 3 is pretty unhappy with her husband. Not sure if it's gossip getting blown out of proportion or if they are actually in trouble. Wife 1 tells my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband.

Husband 4 is a cheater and all the wives hate him for it, despite the fact that they are all hiding that wife 2 is cheating. He even hit on wife 1. Another thing I'm not supposed to know about and her husband doesn't know.

I think couple 1 and couple 3 can be saved but I feel like we need to get them away from the group. Maybe I'm just over-reacting because it's not how our relationship works and those 2 are just fine?

Sorry to say it, but sounds like y'all need a new group of friends.
 
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#18
#18
Everything in your post, we have seen and gone through. Along with both of us at some point being jealous, controlling, and just down right immature. That was the first 7 years of marriage.

In our 8th year, for whatever reason, we both started seeing things pretty much the same way without ever even discussing it.

After 35 years of marriage, we reflect and discuss it all and laugh our ass's off about all of it.

Remember this: Misery loves company and spreads like an STD through a 60's free love commune. Nip it in the bud!

My wife is my pal, confidante, best friend, and partner. She is my advocate, as I am hers.

My wife knows all that I do, not cause I tell her, cause she knows and vice-versa. That's the wonderment of being together for so long, tho.

Most people find us boring and we know that's a good thing. The only people that need to find us exciting and entertaining are us.

Sorry for meandering, going off subject and for the lack of answers. But, you and your spouse are the only ones who can truly answer your questions.

TL;DR, FWIW, SMDH, SYDH, LOL, LMOA, ROFL

Seriously, I hope you find the answers and that they are beneficial to you.
 
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#19
#19
Couple 4 is Lutheran. That's it.

I've been in a similar situation as you. My wife and I have been married for 28 years. Back when I was probably your age, I had you best friend, who was in my wedding the week before, tell me on my honeymoon that he was divorcing his wife. He was cheating on his wife at the time and I didn't know it. On reflection, I'm glad I didn't know it because that would have been baggage I'd have to carry around. Do I tell my wife (who was friends with his wife)? How would I have viewed my best friend? My point in telling you this is, stay out of it. You have nothing to gain from involving yourself.

I realize you feel obligated to help your friend. You probably feel guilty not telling him what you know. It will strain the relationship when this comes out especially if he knows you kept this from him. If you tell him will you be betraying the trust of your wife? In turn will your wife then be ostracized for telling you? I think you can give subtle hints to your friend without spilling the beans. Probe him about their relationship. Let him come to his own conclusions. My bet is his gut is telling him something is going on.

I personally don't think it's healthy for a couple to stay in a bad relationship. When kids are involved in think whatever decision is made needs to be what is in the best interest of the child. If that means divorce then divorce it is. If they are truly religious, I think devoting themselves to their church and possibly talking to their minister for guidance could be beneficial if they come clean with one another.

I would find some other people to hang with if it were me. Too much drama for my taste. Maybe that's why my wife and I enjoy our own company more than going out with other couples. Not that we don't go out but only 2-3 times a year.
 
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#20
#20
Everything in your post, we have seen and gone through. Along with both of us at some point being jealous, controlling, and just down right immature. That was the first 7 years of marriage.

In our 8th year, for whatever reason, we both started seeing things pretty much the same way without ever even discussing it.

After 35 years of marriage, we reflect and discuss it all and laugh our ass's off about all of it.

Remember this: Misery loves company and spreads like an STD through a 60's free love commune. Nip it in the bud!

My wife is my pal, confidante, best friend, and partner. She is my advocate, as I am hers.

My wife knows all that I do, not cause I tell her, cause she knows and vice-versa. That's the wonderment of being together for so long, tho.

Most people find us boring and we know that's a good thing. The only people that need to find us exciting and entertaining are us.

Sorry for meandering, going off subject and for the lack of answers. But, you and your spouse are the only ones who can truly answer your questions.

TL;DR, FWIW, SMDH, SYDH, LOL, LMOA, ROFL

Seriously, I hope you find the answers and that they are beneficial to you.

LOL, there is another couple like us.
 
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#21
#21
We are an older couple but we've also seen stuff like that in previous marriages. Now, I think both of us would avoid that drama and disassociate from that group. Not worth the time to deal with that nonsense.

I have no idea if that behavior is normal but even if it was, my thought would be it's such a waste of time, why bother?
 
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#23
#23
LOL, there is another couple like us.


Make it 2..

18 years here. Took us 10 years to figure out the ins and outs of it though. How we survived, I'll never know, but we are both glad we did. No reason to keep stuff from one another. If you do, and the other person find out, makes them wonder why and what else you're hiding.. True intimacy is sharing each other's secrets and loving each other anyways. (Unconditional love anyone???)

Personally I wouldn't participate in the gossip. I can listen, but it goes in one ear and out the other. For me, I believe anytime someone is spreading drama about someone else, they're trying to influence my opinion of that person. I tend to try to form my own opinion without the influence of other's.
 
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#24
#24
Since you have no kids and they all do -- move on from them fast --- better that you and your wife do more things together right now
 
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#25
#25
Corny, I know, but these are the lyrics that say it better than I can.

"She And I"

She and I live in our own little world
Don't worry about the world outside

She and I agree
She and I lead a perfectly normal life
Ah but just because we aren't often seen socially
People think we've got something to hide.
But all our friends know we're just a little old fashioned
She and I

Oh ain't that great
Ain't it fine
To have a love someone that others can't find
Ain't it wonderful to know all we ever need is just the two of us
She and I
So wonderful
She and I

She and I share with every body else
The same wants, needs and desires
She and I save
She and I pay on everything we acquire

Ah but just because we aren't often seen separately
People think we live one life.

Its hard for them to see how anyone could be as close as
She and I
 

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