Bama Jokes

[rexvol]

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Alabama fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Alabama weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: Did you hear about the University of Alabama fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Why don't Alabama Crimson Tide fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: How do you make University of Alabama cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Alabama, a Tennessee grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Tennessee grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Volunteers!" and pushed the Crimson Tide fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 text books.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Alabama win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

 

[BOTF]

:lolabove:lol::lolabove:lol:

Thanks Rex. That is a good read to start the day on. I will add one of my all time favorites.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Alabama Cheerleader and a pig?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

 

[ORANGEUAVOL]

Q : What did the Alabama cheer leader say when she lost her virginity? A: Get off of me Daddy, your are crushing my cigaretts.

 

[bigvol77]

Q;how do you castrate a alabama football player?

A;kick his sister in the jaw.
Posted via VolNation Mobile

 

[orangebloodgmc]

:lolabove::lolabove::lolabove:

Good ones, guys. Now I can go to work.

 

[vollygirl]

In Tennessee we say "It's 10pm, do you know where your children are?"

In Florida they say "It's 10pm, do you know where my jorts are?"

In Alabama they say "It's 10pm, do you know what time it is?"

 

[VOLnMiami]

Know how an alabama man gets the milkman to leave an extra quart of milk?.....He ties his wifes bra to the doorknob.

 

[VOLnMiami]

Know why Alabama decided to stay with natural grass in the stadium?.....So the bama cheerleaders could graze at halftime.

 

[ArkieVol]

The following are several years old, but still some of my favorites...


THIS IS ALABAMA FOOTBALL

It's getting serenaded with "Rocky Top" by the Minnesota band after losing a 3rd-tier bowl game.

It's worshipping an old dead drunk.

It's losing cases in courtrooms from Memphis to "Tuscaloser" and still thinking you were innocent.

It's losing 9 of 10 to Tennessee and still thinking you're better.

It's claiming 12 national titles when no one else with half a brain recognizes you with more than 6.

It's making fun of other team's "half a national championship," when most of the ones you claim were shared.

It's claiming a national championship after losing to Mississippi
State and Vandy.

It's claiming national championships after losing your bowl game.

5 coaches in 5 years.

2 probations for cheating in less than 10 years.

Going to Hawaii to get beat and calling it a "Bowl" game.

Moral victory after moral victory.

Biggest tradition is buying and bidding on players.

Knowing your the best team everytime you get beat.

Knowing that the refs are against you.

Knowing that the NCAA is against you.

Knowing that UT owns you.

Waking up to nightmares of hearing "Rocky Top" over and over and over.

Mike Price.

It is watching you go through 4 coaches in 2 years.

It is having head coaches leave for places like Duke, Kentucky, UTEP, and Texas A&M.

It is having your 5th choice for HC turn you down.

It is watching Tommy Tuberville AND Phil Fulmer having as many SEC
wins at Bryant-Denny Stadium as your own Head Coach.

It is remembering when losing by any margin at home to Auburn didn't make THEM fall in the polls.

It is hoping that Northern Illinois doesn't show up again to ruin Homecoming.

It is reminiscing of Shula's Greatest Game - a win over Southern Miss.

It is offering Ole Miss walk-ons Football Scholarships.

It is sharing a home field with the Blazers.

It is fans proudly displaying toilet paper rolls and empty detergent boxes when the whole world can see that you don't know how to use either.

It is a Million Dollar Band and a Two Million Dollar Defensive Line.

It is decades of ignorantly mocking your arch rival for being named
the Tigers and yelling "War Eagle" when you're called the Crimson Tide
and have an Elephant walk the sidelines.

It is giving your head coach a contract extension after going 4-9 and 6-6.

It is giving your head coach a contract where he can earn a bonus for winning 7 games - and the bonus remaining unpaid.

It is throwing bricks through your coach's window after a 10 win
season.

It is knowing that Notre Dame takes pride in saying "well, at least we're not as bad as Alabama".

It is having a head coach realize that the ugliest stripper in Pensacola was prettier than the Alabama coaching job.

It is running off your backup QB by playing him with a concussion.

It is having a losing record since January 1st 2000.

It is being the fourth best football team in your state.

It is refusing to play those teams unless mandated by the state government.

It is forfeiting games for playing an ineligible player for an entire season.

It is getting caught cheating while still on probation.

It is having the AD with the most experience hiring Head Coaches in
the nation, yet worst track record.

And last but not least, being the victim of a conspiracy 15 years in the making involving Phillip Fulmer, the NCAA, the FBI and Osama Bin Laden.

 

[Rat-tail Ricky]

It not having as many homeless people as Knoxville.

Knoxville - SEC's' homeless captial.

Seriously, there was a stretch about 2 blocks from neyland stadium this past season where I saw at least 20 homeless people laying on the sidewalk. Looked like skid-row.

 

[VOLnMiami]

It not having as many homeless people as Knoxville.

Knoxville - SEC's' homeless captial.

Seriously, there was a stretch about 2 blocks from neyland stadium this past season where I saw at least 20 homeless people laying on the sidewalk. Looked like skid-row.

Well you shouldn't leave your family members laying around like that....Next time take those guys back home with you to Alabama where they will be in a more natural setting. :clapping:

 

[utvolpj]

It not having as many homeless people as Knoxville.

Knoxville - SEC's' homeless captial.

Seriously, there was a stretch about 2 blocks from neyland stadium this past season where I saw at least 20 homeless people laying on the sidewalk. Looked like skid-row.

let me guess, you're an English major?

 

[AirVol]

It not having as many homeless people as Knoxville.

Knoxville - SEC's' homeless captial.

Seriously, there was a stretch about 2 blocks from neyland stadium this past season where I saw at least 20 homeless people laying on the sidewalk. Looked like skid-row.

Your name says it all, Joe Dirt.

 

[orutvol]

It not having as many homeless people as Knoxville.

Knoxville - SEC's' homeless captial.

Seriously, there was a stretch about 2 blocks from neyland stadium this past season where I saw at least 20 homeless people laying on the sidewalk. Looked like skid-row.

If you are going to come onto an opponent's forum, at least have the decency to make coherent sentences. If not, you are going to get your a$$ ripped and honestly you deserve it for being a jacka$$.

 

[vollygirl]

It not having as many homeless people as Knoxville.

Knoxville - SEC's' homeless captial.

Seriously, there was a stretch about 2 blocks from neyland stadium this past season where I saw at least 20 homeless people laying on the sidewalk. Looked like skid-row.

I guess I'd have to take a bama reading comprehension class to understand it. :crazy:

 

[bluetickhound16]

I hear the FBI has busted a terrorist cell group in Tuscaloser... Nabbed in the bust were Bin Losin', Bin Whinin' & Bin Cheatin'....

 

[bluetickhound16]

It not having as many homeless people as Knoxville.

Knoxville - SEC's' homeless captial.

Seriously, there was a stretch about 2 blocks from neyland stadium this past season where I saw at least 20 homeless people laying on the sidewalk. Looked like skid-row.

Proving that folks would rather live in a cardboard box in Knoxville before they'd live in an actual house (or trailer, as the case may be...) in Alabama.

 

[J-P]

Birmingham...

:birgits_giggle::yes:

 

[orangeblooded2]

Why don't doctors circumcise Alabama fans?

There's no ends to those pricks.




Why don't bama fans fart?

They never keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.

 

[UNAVol89]

Where do people go during a tornado in Tuscaloosa?

Bryant-Denny Stadium. They never have a touchdown there.

 

[orangeblooded2]

What do Freddie kitchens and Billy Graham have in common?

Their the only two people who can make 80,000 people stand up and Scream "Jesus Christ"


Why don't they teach Sex Education and Drivers Ed. on the same day in Alabama?

They don't want to wear out the mule.

 

[utvol83]

Q: What do Alabama fans and maggots have in common?
A: They can live off dead bear for years

---------------------------------------------

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them. One to change the light bulb, the rest to talk about how Bear Bryant would have done it.

---------------------------------------------

A man is sitting at a bar. He taps on the bartender's shoulder and says, "Hey, you wanna hear an Alabama football joke?"

The bartender is a big, burly, angry looking man. He's got all sorts of tattoos up and down his arms and must weigh at least 350. He leans down and says, "Hey buddy, I played football for Alabama. You see those two big guys over there? They played for Alabama, too. How 'bout I call them over here so we can all listen to your little joke?"

The man thinks about this for a minute and says, "Nah, never mind."

The bartender leans in closer and says, "Why? You some kinda pansy?"

The man says, "No, I just don't want to have to explain it three times."

 

[G0V0LS33]

It not having as many homeless people as Knoxville.

Knoxville - SEC's' homeless captial.

Seriously, there was a stretch about 2 blocks from neyland stadium this past season where I saw at least 20 homeless people laying on the sidewalk. Looked like skid-row.

You will have to excuse him...He only knew the word skid row as that is how he can tell his underwear from his brothers!...Leave the site TROLL!

 

[Crimson1]

You guys are too funny! Here's an Alabama-Tennessee joke:

1) Alabama - 21 SEC championships Tennessee - 13
2) Alabama - 31 bowl wins Tennessee - 26
3) Alabama - 96 All Americans Tennessee - 72
4) Alabama leads series 46-38-7.
5) Alabama is the only SEC school with 5 consecutive SEC championships. This could go on and on. Yep, you own us!

 

[SGMVols]

You guys are too funny! Here's an Alabama-Tennessee joke:

1) Alabama - 21 SEC championships Tennessee - 13
2) Alabama - 31 bowl wins Tennessee - 26
3) Alabama - 96 All Americans Tennessee - 72
4) Alabama leads series 46-38-7.
5) Alabama is the only SEC school with 5 consecutive SEC championships. This could go on and on. Yep, you own us!

You forgot to add years of probation. You definitely own us in that category.