need advice volnation

#1
joevol33

joevol33

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#1
I don't post in the pub much, usually only football and around the NCAA. I'm not much of one to really talk about very personal things to people, just kind of hide my feelings. Here's my dilemma, my wife is sick, and getting bad. She has systemic lupus, her immune system attacks her organs and she's one if the rare, bad cases. We have 3 kids 2 of them young (9,6) and we don't go into detail with them about how bad it is. Already tried chemo twice, they've watched mom my lose her hair and such. I over heard my youngest ask her older sister during a recent hospital stay, "what if mommy dies this time". I've cried for several days over thus, and wondering if I should talk to them about how bad things are. I'm a christian and I pray, and please no shots at "why would God....." I'm not the going to a psychologist type. Just wondered if any of you have ever faced such a problem. I know none of you know me (did meet some cool vol fans in panama fl during labor day about 5 years ago!) But if you have been there I would appreciate what worked for you. Sorry so long, and if this is in the wrong spot mods.
 
#2
#2
Can't give any advice on this but wanted to say I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation and will pray for you and your family.
 
#4
#4
Really sorry to hear this, joe. Praying for you and your family.

I recommend you talk to her doctor or even your pastor. They will likely have experience in this realm and be able to give some good advice.
 
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#6
#6
golfballs said:
Really sorry to hear this, joe. Praying for you and your family.

I recommend you talk to your pastor. He will likely have experience in this realm and be able to give some good advice.
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I agree with this whole heartily, u guess the guy in me feels weak if I try face to face. I know I gotta get past that though.
 
#7
#7
Can't give any advice on this sorry, but thoughts and prayers go out for you and your family.
 
#8
#8
I'm sure this goes without saying, but make sure your wife has input on what/when/how/how much you tell your kids.

My thoughts are with you. I couldn't begin to imagine.....
 
#9
#9
You never know what God's plan is. Your wife may fully recover. She may not, but I would encourage your girls to keep up praying and not give up hope. You never know. I'm praying for you, your wife and little girls
 
#10
#10
Regulator said:
I'm sure this goes without saying, but make sure your wife has input on what/when/how/how much you tell your kids.

My thoughts are with you. I couldn't begin to imagine.....
Click to expand...

Yes I agree
 
#11
#11
I know its hard to say what to do, I'm sure someone has been down this road. I've not given up, and they aren't saying she's dying right now. They just tell her there isn't much more they can do. Its a very confusing case, but I know whatever happens god is in control. I may leave this world tomorrow, we don't know these things!
 
#13
#13
I haven't been where you're at so I won't lie and say "I understand what you're going through." I'm just going to shoot from the hip and go with my gut on this. Nine and six, man, that's rough. I gotta say though, I think it best to be honest with them. I think you and your wife need to talk about it beforehand, but I honestly feel they should hear the truth from both of you together. As rough as it is, it's better imo to prepare them just in case. My thought, what if something does happen? Will your girls harbor hard feelings toward you because they felt like you "hid" it from them? Logically, you'd think they wouldn't do that, but grief and logic rarely exist together, especially in a young mind. I would choose your words carefully, but I'd let them know the fight mommy has on her hand. And honesty is there is a chance mommy could lose the fight, but there's also a chance she'll win the fight. Give them a chance to cry, to let their emotions play out, and then encourage them to be strong for mommy. The truth will hurt them, but I think they could possibly be hurt more if something happens and the truth wasn't shared with them.

But I will stress that's jmo. I'm the type of person that expects honesty. One of the easiest ways to hurt me is to keep the truth from me. But that's just my personal experience. I recognize not everyone is like that. I can only offer you my perspective though. My perspective is I would want to know what was going on, and yes, I was the same way when I was a child. It's always been innate in me to want to know exactly what I'm facing. But again, that's me. You and your wife have a better grasp on your daughters than I ever will, so you have to go with your instincts on this.

You have my deepest sympathies for what you're going through, and I really hope your wife recovers. I'm sorry I can't offer anything more useful, but you and your family will be in my thoughts. Remember, there is no shame in crying, or in seeking help from others. I know it's not the "macho" thing to do, but it takes a stronger man to admit he needs help than it does to deny help.
 
#14
#14
Nice to meet you joe. I've been noticing you lately, seem like a good vol fan. You also seem like a great husband/father. There's not much i can offer, or anything that hasn't already been said by others. I pray for your wife, for your kids, and for you. I wish the best for the situation.
 
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#15
#15
I appreciate that outlook and the time into it Weezer, and all of you for the prayers and thoughts.
 
#16
#16
I'll be honest, volnatiin is like a therapy! I get so caught up in the fun fussing and talk that it keeps me from stressing out. I bet freak never knew his site had that power!
 
#17
#17
The only other piece of advice I can offer is this, find something to laugh about each and every day. Though I've never been in your circumstance, I have been through times of great pain. It's easy to get swallowed up by your hurt, and your grief, and all of the bad things that seem to just keep piling up. But at least once a day, find something to make you laugh, to bring a smile to your face. Whether it's a fond memory, something silly one of your little ladies does, or even just a ridiculously stupid TV commercial, don't allow yourself to drown. Find something good each and every day, and allow it to help carry you through this.
 
#18
#18
Thoughts are with you my fellow Vol. I don't have personal experience in a situation like that but I think i would be honest with them and try to explain things as best I could. I'm sure they might not fully grasp everything that's going on but I bet regardless of whatever is to come that later on down the road when they are older they will appreciate you for it. Again my thoughts are with you and your family.
 
#20
#20
I am sorry to read about your difficult situation. When I was facing health difficulties, my pastor was a big help for me; reading and discussing the Bible with him was therapeutic.

I've read that the medical researchers are making progress on autoimmune diseases like lupus and that there are drugs being tested now. Don't give up hope.

Prayers for you and your family.
 
#21
#21
Please keep in mind you are not the first person to have this problem. There are many before you that it has happened to but above all they have experienced it and know what to do and what not to do.

Do not hesitate to reach out. Do Not. Preachers, pastors, support groups, whatever. These know your struggles and can guide you on how to approach all the challenges from your wife to your kids. You have not failed if you ask for help. It is better to ask and go the best direction than to try to figure it out yourself all while the situation looms.

You can do this.
 
#23
#23
joevol33 said:
I don't post in the pub much, usually only football and around the NCAA. I'm not much of one to really talk about very personal things to people, just kind of hide my feelings. Here's my dilemma, my wife is sick, and getting bad. She has systemic lupus, her immune system attacks her organs and she's one if the rare, bad cases. We have 3 kids 2 of them young (9,6) and we don't go into detail with them about how bad it is. Already tried chemo twice, they've watched mom my lose her hair and such. I over heard my youngest ask her older sister during a recent hospital stay, "what if mommy dies this time". I've cried for several days over thus, and wondering if I should talk to them about how bad things are. I'm a christian and I pray, and please no shots at "why would God....." I'm not the going to a psychologist type. Just wondered if any of you have ever faced such a problem. I know none of you know me (did meet some cool vol fans in panama fl during labor day about 5 years ago!) But if you have been there I would appreciate what worked for you. Sorry so long, and if this is in the wrong spot mods.
Click to expand...

My heart goes out to you. The only advice I can offer is to do whatever and talk to whomever you have to, to get your kids through.
 
#24
#24
joevol33 said:
I don't post in the pub much, usually only football and around the NCAA. I'm not much of one to really talk about very personal things to people, just kind of hide my feelings. Here's my dilemma, my wife is sick, and getting bad. She has systemic lupus, her immune system attacks her organs and she's one if the rare, bad cases. We have 3 kids 2 of them young (9,6) and we don't go into detail with them about how bad it is. Already tried chemo twice, they've watched mom my lose her hair and such. I over heard my youngest ask her older sister during a recent hospital stay, "what if mommy dies this time". I've cried for several days over thus, and wondering if I should talk to them about how bad things are. I'm a christian and I pray, and please no shots at "why would God....." I'm not the going to a psychologist type. Just wondered if any of you have ever faced such a problem. I know none of you know me (did meet some cool vol fans in panama fl during labor day about 5 years ago!) But if you have been there I would appreciate what worked for you. Sorry so long, and if this is in the wrong spot mods.
Click to expand...

I think you should base telling them on how mature they are..The 9 yr old will probably get it, but 6 is really young

I'm really sorry your family is going thru this

Godspeed
 
#25
#25
Stay positive, keep your feet moving, and pray. Although it's a huge issue in your life at the current time, don't let it encompass you bud. You have kids who rely on you, it's importantant to keep yourself out of that dark room, no matter how stressful or overbearing things may seem, keep in mind that there's always light.

Maybe look around for a group for guys in similar situations, I used to scoff at that concept, but after coming on a brutal stretch of life, I tried it out, and am extremely glad I did.

Good luck, I'll keep your family in my thoughts.
 
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